just one video
by norasarc
Summary: Keith Kogane was, according to the doctors, very depressed and suffering immensely from the childhood traumas of his life. After some begging from his best friend, he agrees to be admitted to a lovely safe haven called Allura's, where they claim they can cure him. It was here that he meets a very energetic and friendly boy online, and he once again begins to see colors. / Klance AU
1. somebody new

_space boi had entered your room!_

 **space boi** 1:37 am

howdy

 **Me** 1:37 am

Who are you? I didn't invite you.

 **space boi** 1:37 am

i was looking through the new rooms

 **Me** 1:37 am

At one thirty on a Tuesday night?

 **space boi** 1:37 am

i'll sleep when i'm dead

 **space boi** 1:37 am

or during ap chem. whichever comes first

 **space boi** 1:37 am

besides it's a free country

 **space boi** 1:37 am

your room was unlocked

 **Me** 1:37 am

It wasn't supposed to be. No offense, but I'm not in the mood for company right now. Can you leave?

 **space boi** 1:38 am

:( but you're watching my favorite video of gmm

 **Me** 1:38 am

You can watch it in your own room.

 **space boi** 1:38 am

i can't. i don't have youtube red :(

 **Me** 1:38 am

How do you know that this is your favorite then?

 **space boi** 1:38 am

my friend showed it to me a few days ago 33

 **Me** 1:38 am

Ask them to watch it with you. I didn't invite you in here.

 **space boi** 1:39 am

IT WAS OPEN TO THE PUBLIC

 **space boi** 1:39 am

it's STILL open to the public

 **Me** 1:39 am

I don't know how to lock it.

 **space boi** 1:39 am

what really? are you a newbie?

 **space boi** 1:39 am

how adorable! i found a newbie! i've stumbled across the room of a new kid!

 **Me** 1:42 am

I'm not new. I've just never had to deal with some kid wanting to sneak into my room without my permission.

 **space boi** 1:43 am

wow rude

 **space boi** 1:43 am

first of all i'm not just 'some kid'. i'm a happy teenage boy who saw another person watching my favorite youtubers with an open door

 **Me** 1:43 am

Well this teenage boy isn't in the mood right now.

 **Me** 1:43 am

Also you called me a kid first. Don't act so offended.

 **space boi** 1:43 am

it's not my fault! locking your room on rabbit is easy

 **Me** 1:43 am

Then leave so I can lock it right now.

 **space boi** 1:43 am

:( i just wanna watch this video i promise

 **Me** 1:43 am

Just ask your friend.

 **space boi** 1:45 am

i am

 **space boi** 1:45 am

mi amigo

 **Me** 1:45 am

We aren't friends. I meant the person who let you watch it before.

 **space boi** 1:45

Hunk? He's ASLEEP. it's almost two in the morning

 **space boi** 1:45 am

we can be friends it'll make this a lot easier the next time i decide to join

 **Me** 1:45 am

How would I know his name? And maybe you should be asleep too.

 **space boi** 1:45 am

i told you i'll sleep when i'm dead

 **space boi** 1:45 am

besides i have a video to watch

 **Me** 1:45 am

I could report you for harassment.

 **space boi** 1:45 am

:(( pls don't i'm just a friendly guy trying to meet people with my own interests is that really so bad?

 **Me** 1:45 am

Uh

 **Me** 1:45 am

I mean not really? But I didn't invite you in here. You could have at least messaged.

 **space boi** 1:50 am

sorry.

 _space boi has left your room._

 **[PM]**

 **space boi** 1:58 am

can i join your room?

 **Me** 1:59 am

Seriously?

 **space boi** 2:02 am

i just spent like ten minutes finding your account so i could ask

 **Me** 2:02 am

That's… pretty sweet? But I'm genuinely not in the mood for company right now.

 **space boi** 2:02 am

that's cool dude sorry to bug you

 **Me** 2:03 am

Your dedication won't go unappreciated, though. I'll probably be on again tomorrow night if you think you'll be on.

 **space boi** 2:03 am

! yeah sure

 **space boi** 2:03 am

friendo

 **Me** 2:03 am

Still not "friends". I'm just being friendly.

 **space boi** 2:03 am

FRIENDly

 **space boi** 2:03 am

i'll take it

 **space boi** 2:03 am

better have this same episode up tomorrow Teen Boy because i'm expecting it

 **Me** 2:05 am

Teen Boy? What is this, a Disney show?

 **space boi** 2:06 am

oh hahaHA. they're the only two things i know about you

 **space boi** 2:06 am

you're a teenager and a dude

 **space boi** 2:06 am

just until we're on a first-name basis. nickname most likely to change in the near future once i get to know you

 **Me** 2:08 am

You're just dropping by tomorrow to watch one video? It's unlikely you'll learn much about me.

 **space boi** 2:08 am

i'm pretty likeable dude you're gonna wanna keep me

 **Me** 2:08 am

Hm.

 **Me** 2:08 am

We'll see.

 **space boi** 2:08 am

:D

 **space boi** 2:08 am

i'll add you then! see you later Teen Boy!

 _[space boi has sent you a friend request!]_

 **space boi** 2:09 am

and i hope your night gets better!

 **Me** 2:09 am

Oh

 **Me** 2:09 am

Thank you

 **Me** 2:09 am

See you later.

 **space boi** 2:09 am

33

 _space boi has left your room._

 _You're now friends with space boi ( lanceyy). Send them them a message to say hi!_

Yeah, that's not happening anytime soon. I wasn't the best at 'saying hi' to people, let alone strangers who seemed to know how to make me feel _pity_ or _guilt_ towards a whiny human being. I knew better than to let some stranger come back into my digital room to watch a video, because of the whole 'stranger danger' speech Shiro gave me whenever I got on Rabbit, but he _had_ let it slip that he was a teenager. I had no reason to feel like some weirdo or feel like I was talking to some weirdo. Years of reading stories about online scammers and catfishers took a toll on how eager I was to meet people on the internet.

One night with one video wasn't a big deal, though. I knew better than to give it too much thought, because this guy could legitimately forget about me by tomorrow morning, but I was awful as being thrown into unexpected social situations. I'm already thinking of fifty different ways I could have worded the things I said. Why do I type so neatly? I'm nineteen. I'm not Shiro, I can keep up with people my age. Maybe because I know it's the easy way to go if all else fails. Better to seem a bit too polite than a bit too immature.

I sighed, rolling onto my side as my laptop screen went a bit dimmer from the lack of movement. My eyes almost immediately fell onto the conversation that still sat in the chat, almost disappointed to be left alone. I mean, yeah, I want to be alone right now, but the random visitor had been a nice way to make the day seem less mundane. Funny how I can be sitting here in this basically-a-hospital and still expect my life to be drastically entertaining. I grew up on motorcycle rides and stupid car chases led by my definitely-not-tall-enough-to-drive best friend. I don't know what happened to me, but days like that just got rarer and rarer. And now here I am.

With a long, winded sigh, I dragged the cursor back to the search bar, my mind racing with different ideas of things to watch. I wanted to watch the new GMM video, but this stranger was really set on watching it tomorrow. I felt too guilty at the thought of doing it alone despite not even knowing this guys name. I guess I'll just settle for more ' _do not watch before midnight'_ videos. It's not like I can sleep regularly anyway. I'll be lucky to fall asleep before five am tonight. Meds. Got to love them.

* * *

 **!IMPORTANT!**

 _ **This fic will bring up depression, anxiety, and PTSD, though the latter won't be too intense due to lack of experience towards the topic.**_

 **Everything will be in Keith's POV unless states otherwise at the beginning!**

 **I use they/them pronouns for Pidge. I understand in canon she uses she/her, but I support a genderfluid Pidge very very much.**

 **I don't really do scheduled updates. I'll just update the more I write.**

 **They all have different texting styles. Meaning there will be a lot of text talk or memes. Especially from Lance and Pidge. Fools.**

 **Cover art is by inkandowl on Tumblr!**

 **I will also be posting this on AO3 at some point tomorrow under the same username. I don't know which website is actually active anymore,,**

 **All of that said, enjoy this trainwreck! Future chapters will be longer.**

 **(99% of Lance's texts are inspired by my girlfriend honestly. What a tool.)**


	2. dreaming backwards

_Pidgeon has joined your room!_

 **Me** 2:20 pm

?

 **Me** 2:20 pm

Shouldn't you be in class right now?

 **Pidgeon** 2:22 pm

I am I am

 **Pidgeon** 2:22 pm

But everyone is going into pairs and i feel Uncomfortable

 **Me** 2:22 pm

Did you get stuck with someone bad?

 **Me** 2:22 pm

If it's that Lotor kid I will personally go down there and sort this out.

 **Pidgeon** 2:25 pm

Luckily no it isn't l'oréal

 **Pidgeon** 2:25 pm

It isn't anyone yet that's the issue here

 **Pidgeon** 2:25 pm

I don't know enough people here? All the friends I have already paired up with each other :/

 **Me** 2:25 pm

Maybe you can get away with doing it solo?

 **Pidgeon** 2:26 pm

Maybe

 **Pidgeon** 2:26 pm

It'd be a LOT easier with a partner tho :/ I'm not even a shy kid why is this so difficult

 **Pidgeon** 2:26 pm

COME TALK TO ME STUDENTS I DONT BITE

 **Me** 2:27 pm

That's not true.

 **Pidgeon** 2:29 pm

*I DONT BITE UNLESS PROVOKED

 **Pidgeon** 2:31 pm

This is INFURIATING i don't WANT to be the ONLY KID without A PARTNER

 **Me** 2:32 pm

I don't think yelling is going to make you seem more approachable.

 **Me** 2:32 pm

Guess years of leaving cryptid post-it notes on the whiteboard doesn't help your case.

 **Pidgeon** 2:38 pm

The only cryptid thing here right now is how IM STILL ALONE AFTER TWENTY MINUTES OF SEARCHING FOR A PARTNER

 **Pidgeon** 2:38 pm

Sorry for the late replies the school is so loud and i'm creeping around looking for a kid who isn't with a buddy yet

 **Pidgeon** 2:38 pm

Is it because of my genderfluid pride hat?

 **Pidgeon** 2:38 pm

My mothman shirt?

 **Pidgeon** 2:38 pm

My glasses?

 **Pidgeon** 2:38 pm

Pale skin?

 **Pidgeon** 2:39 pm

Unbrushed hair?

 **Me** 2:39 pm

Pidge I told you to brush your hair before you left this morning. I sent you like ten messages about it.

 **Pidgeon** 2:39 pm

I,, didn't know that

 **Me** 2:39 pm

I do it every morning Pidge.

 **Pidgeon** 2:43 pm

What if it IS my genderfluid hat should i take it off?

 **Me** 2:45 pm

That doesn't sound like you.

 **Pidgeon** 2:47 pm

And DRAG THEIR FACES INTO the GROUND for so BLATANTLY ignoriNG ME WITH their BIGOTED IGNORANce

 **Me** 2:50 pm

There we go.

 **Me** 2:50 pm

I don't think it's the hat, Pidge. You just weren't in the right place at the right time like the other students with partners.

 **Me** 2:51 pm

And if it were the hat I will literally leave this room and beat them with my phone

 **Pidgeon** 2:54 pm

As tempting as that sounds

 **Pidgeon** 2:54 pm

You know you can't leave the bed unsupervised.

 **Pidgeon** 2:54 pm

Besides i think i see a guy who looks just as lost as i do

 **Pidgeon** 2:54 pm

Only 10x cuter awww

 **Pidgeon** 2:55 pm

He looks like a lost little deer 33

 **Pidgeon** 2:55 pm

i'm goin in for the kill

 **Pidgeon** 2:55 pm

Get some rest loser i'll visit later

 **You** 2:57 pm

I'll try.

 _Pidgeon has left the room._

 _You know you can't leave the bed unsupervised._

How many times have I heard that this year? I was completely aware that I was bedridden. I've been laying in this bed for _months._ I'm not even sick to the point of dying like half of the people here. I just can't be out for too long without _almost_ dying. It wasn't that bad.

The only thing I had to do was mess around on my laptop or phone, which gets old after a few hours. Rabbit was cool for the sheer sake of privacy that the company browsers offered. I didn't have to sneak past the hospital rules to be able to watch 'top ten conspiracy sightings' without trying to figure out how to bypass the Hospital's WiFi safety limitation. Not to mention anything that contained LGBT+ stuff was blocked for explicit content. I just wanted to watch one figure skating anime that happened to have a gay pairing in it.

Pidge will _never_ know about that.

Pidge was another reason that I had decided to use Rabbit regularly too, I guess. They wanted a way to keep in touch during their time at their new University that was a few hours away. Being that far meant a lot less hospital visits, but we were almost always talking when they weren't busy with classes. And now we could stay up late watching cryptid videos until one of us passed out or succumbed to the responsibility of technically being adults. Sure, they were only sixteen, but they were already enrolled full-time at a prestigious college and leagues smarter than everyone there.

I was almost enrolled in the same college last year, but my body had other ideas. I wasn't a particularly unhealthy kid growing up. I caught a few colds here and there, but I was pretty fine health wise for a huge sum of my life. I don't know what changed - I just suddenly had trouble staying awake during class. I was always tired and no amount of sleep seemed to change it.

A few naps during classes turned into weekends spent staying in bed with the blinds closed and the light off. Meals were becoming a rarity and I refused to socialize with anyone. I ignored texts and calls and just curled up in my dorm room until classes started again Monday.

It wasn't long before Pidge managed to corner me with tears in their eyes. They weren't ones to show their opens openly, so it brought me back into reality enough to agree to get some help. They never once showed any anger for ignoring them for months. They never brought it up and used it against me like I had feared. They just begged me to see the school nurse and I did. That's when the nurse suggested I see a real doctor.

I found out that I'm not at the hospital because I'm physically sick. I'm here because I'm mentally sick. Or, that's what the doctor said when he gave me my diagnosis.

" _You have a lot of mental issues, Keith."_

" _Thanks."_

" _How long have you been feeling this way?"_

" _A few months."_

" _Just a few?"_

" _Like… Seven months, I guess."_

" _You've been keeping all of this to yourself for seven months?"_

" _Is that a long time?"_

" _It's not a healthy amount of time. Did you not consider telling anyone sooner?"_

" _I didn't really realize it was happening."_

" _Do you now?"_

I remember seeing flashes of images play in my head at the question the doctor fired at me. Images of Pidge with tears in their eyes, their hand squeezing mine as if they were trying to bring my back into reality. Images of my classmates sending me sympathetic smiles and glances whenever I decided to drag myself into class. Images of the partners I had for school projects who never once made me lift a finger when I was spacing out.

" _Yeah. I think so."_

" _And you've never considered taking these feelings too far?"_

" _How would I do that?"_

" _Dealing harm to you or anyone around you. Keeping yourself from eating. Anything that could cause any harm to you or those near you."_

" _I would never take it out on anyone around me. I have been skipping meals a lot. Not as much anymore, thanks to my friend, but I went through a period where I didn't really eat anything."_

" _Hm.."_

" _It's getting better now."_

" _But are you?"_

" _I said I was-"_

" _Not just 'I can get out of bed and eat breakfast' better. I mean 'I feel a sense of life in me when I wake up' better."_

I wanted to point out that a majority of teenagers feel nothing but dread and misery while they wake up for another tiring day at college, but I had a feeling she meant something a lot different.

" _I don't think so."_

" _That's okay. You don't have to be at that point yet. I'm proud that you were able to come by after being lost for quite a bit. Not everyone can."_

" _...Thank you..?"_

" _I think it would be beneficial for you to stay here for a few weeks. The time may be extended for a few months, depending on how you do here. I want to keep an eye on how much you eat and ensure that you aren't going to take this too far and cause any further harm to yourself."_

" _I don't have the desire to take it any farther than moping, ma'am-"_

" _No one does at first. Please just trust me on this one, okay? I will also be contacting your brother later for a more detailed discussion about this. You don't have to stay here, Keith, but there is a good therapist here and many mental health classes. You can take up yoga or something of the sort to help clear your head."_

" _Is this all really necessary-? I was just kind of off for a few months. It happens."_

" _I know teenagers go through a lot of stuff. Especially during their first year at college. I put that into consideration before I decided to bring this up. But I can see the familiar emptiness in your eyes, Keith. I know you're hurting in a way that no one else could comprehend. You've been through a lot-"_

" _I'm not weak enough to let my stupid 'tragic anime backstory' knock me into a state of depr-"_

" _-and I'm honestly shocked that you were able to keep it together for so long. But stress and grief take their toll eventually, and you're experiencing those feelings and those emotions at a very rough time in your life already. I would not suggest staying at this hospital if I didn't think this is something that might escalate quickly. You won't be forced to talk to the other patients, nor will you be forced to join a bunch of groups and classes. You'll just be reminded to go outside, drink some water, and get some rest."_

" _I can do those things on my own."_

" _You can, but I know you won't. Look me in the eyes and tell me you're going to go back to your campus and take care of yourself."_

" _...I can't."_

" _Please, just consider it. No one means you any harm by suggesting that you seek some professional help with this matter. We just want to see you get better before it gets a lot worse."_

" _Right. Thank you. I'll think about it."_

" _You're a good kid, Keith. You deserve better than this."_

After that long conversation that seemed to only make me sink worse into the empty feeling that was engulfing me, I was given my short little list of 'mental problems'. I was getting sick of hearing them called that, but I didn't have a better suggestion.

Depression, PTSD, and minor anxiety. I don't know where the idea that I have anxiety came from, but the doctors seem very confident that they know my head better than I do. I just let them have their fun, poking different treatments or methods at me to help calm my head. I was well aware that I wasn't the happiest kid, but Shiro had looked beyond relieved when I told him I'd try the hospital out. Pidge acted like I have saved their life. I could have cared less if I went either way, but I liked seeing how happy it made everyone.

It's been a few months since I was admitted here. I've discovered two things: one, no matter how much you insist you're fine, the doctors and your visitors are going to treat you like a sick puppy. It got old really quickly, but I guess having my 'mental problems' out in the open for everyone to see made it easy to pity me. I hated it.

The second discovery? This technically isn't a _hospital._ It could easily pass as one, with the front desk checking visitors in to visit the patients and leading them up to rooms and stuff. But there weren't doctors performing surgeries or ambulances distraughtly pulling up in front of the door. It was like an open-office therapist that let you stay the night as long as you needed to, or as long as you were told to. There were rooms upon rooms of adults who were ready to listen to you complain about the trauma in your life and the words never left the room. I've never done it, but I heard it was pretty helpful.

The rooms weren't all white or empty like most hospital rooms. You get to design yours in whatever way you could, so long as it was realistic. Want posters of your favorite movies and bands? This place was happy to provide. Want your bedspread from home and your favorite stuffed animal? They'd personally head to your house and retrieve it for you. My room was full of alien posters and newspaper cutouts of supernatural sightings. At first glance, I kind of looked like some Tumblr space nerd. I kind of was, but it wasn't an ironic or aesthetic love like other people have. Watching the stars at night, hoping to find a constellation or catch a glimpse of the occasional shooting star, was all I had during my childhood.

Space was consistent, despite being unpredictable and so vastly unknown. It was there every night when I needed it. The dim clouds or the shining stars - something was always there when I was losing myself. Even on a starless night, I knew that _somewhere_ out there, stars were shining for someone else. When I was a kid, I wanted to be like that. Someone who was always there during a person's darkest night. I wanted to be someone's star.

As I got older, I found that I wanted my own star as well.

Pidge was an amazing friend and I love them with every fiber of my being - a rare feeling out of me, according to the doctor - but they would never mean anything more to me than a best friend. I knew it was dumb to want my star to be the person I love in a way that's different than I've ever loved before, but it was still just a childish dream. I was well-aware that no one could live up to the fantasy of a lover I had in my head.

Is there a word or illness that means 'I overthink the situations I've been put in far too much'? Was that the anxiety? I don't even remember slipping into thoughts like that, but I do it a lot. I catch myself getting lost in thought about how scared Shiro and Pidge were or how much I want to find my star boy one day.

Maybe that's just a side effect of being by myself all of the time.

Heading back to my original statement, the place isn't that bad. It isn't as intimidating or as professional as a hospital. There are game rooms and panic rooms, a cafeteria with legitimate food and semi-experienced cooks, a rooftop that had a beautiful view of the stars, and no one was really trapped here. Patients were allowed to wear regular clothes and leave to go get coffee if they were considered healthy enough. If you weren't considered healthy enough, you had to go with a supervisor to make sure you didn't do anything stupid. This place wasn't that strict, honestly, the owner was just really considered for the safety of her patients.

I don't know what to call a place like this. It doesn't feel like home, but it doesn't feel like a hospital, either. It's like a middle ground. An almost home. A place that wanted me to be myself when I don't really know who I am. The place is commonly called Allura's Safe Haven. I've called it Allura's in my head since the first day I stayed here. I guess I'll just stick with that.


	3. first light

**[PM]**

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

it's ya boiiii

 **Me** 8:15 pm

Oh. I figured you would have forgotten.

 **space boi** 8:15 pm

/3 you clearly underestimate my love of gmm

 **Me** 8:15 pm

No, I just figured you would have watched it with your friend or something.

 **space boi** 8:15 pm

:D i'm about to my bud

 **Me** 8:15 pm

You're very determined to reach the point of friendship, aren't you?

 **space boi** 8:15 pm

i just like making friends is that a crime

 **Me** 8:15 pm

For all I know, you could be a psychopath who's trying to warm up to me so you can kidnap me.

 **space boi** 8:16 pm

i'd be pretty disappointed in a kidnapper who used the name space boi

 **Me** 8:16 pm

Me too. Yet here we are.

 **space boi** 8:16 pm

:00

 **space boi** 8:16 pm

i'm not a creep tho i can turn on my mic to prove it

 **Me** 8:16 pm

Wait. What if I were a creep? You're willing to just turn your mic on?

 **space boi** 8:16 pm

it's no biggie. it's not like i'm gonna turn my camera on or anything like that so you can't track me

 **Me** 8:19 pm

I have a friend who could easily track you by using your voice.

 **space boi** 8:20 pm

oh

 **space boi** 8:20 pm

should i be worried that you took a few minutes to send that? you weren't calling them or anything right

 **Me** 8:20 pm

Nah. They're up to their throat in homework so I don't think they'd be able to take the drive out here to do the work for me.

 **space boi** 8:20 pm

that's good i don't feel like being tracked tonight

 **space boi** 8:20 pm

it was a Rough day

 **Me** 8:22 pm

Uh. Everything okay?

 **space boi** 8:22 pm

lol don't worry about trying to cheer me up or anything like that i'm good

 **space boi** 8:22 pm

your company helps!

 **Me** 8:22 pm

If you were anyone else, I might be flattered by that comment. But I know you just want to use me for my youtube red account.

 **space boi** 8:22 pm

,,perhaps

 **space boi** 8:22 pm

but in all honesty you seem like a pretty cool guy!

 **Me** 8:22pm

Thank you? You don't even know my name.

 **space boi** 8:23 pm

don't have to. your username is 'Kogayne' and i think that says enough.

 **Me** 8:23 pm

My friend did it. I'd change it back to my regular name but they said they'd just hack into my account and change it back anyway.

 **space boi** 8:23 pm

is this the voice tracker friend? sounds like someone who would get along with hunk

 **Me** 8:23 pm

Yeah. Their name is Pidge.

 **Me** 8:23 pm

They're a gremlin.

 **Me** 8:23 pm

But I don't know where I'd be without them.

 **space boi** 8:24 pm

awww! kogayne has a heart after all 333

 **space boi** 8:24 pm

are they like your s/o or somethin

 **Me** 8:24 pm

Judging by the fact you thought someone who I called a gremlin is my significant other, I'm assuming you're also single.

 **space boi** 8:24 pm

it's like you've known me all your life

 **space boi** 8:24 pm

listen it's not my fault. i'm a bi disaster

 **space boi** 8:24 pm

also are you genuinely against me using my mic? it's easier for me to watch stuff w/ it on

 **Me** 8:26 pm

Oh. No you can if you'd prefer it. I'll just have to grab my headphones.

 **space boi** 8:26 pm

up close and personal 33

 **Me** 8:26 pm

You're very quick to make strangers uncomfortable.

 **space boi** 8:26 pm

it's my talent

 **space boi** 8:28 pm

(but if i'm really making you uncomfortable i can tone it down i don't want to genuinely weird you out)

 **Me** 8:28 pm

A talent you've mastered, I see.

 **Me** 8:28 pm

(You're fine. Don't worry about it. My sense of humor is just a bit dry.)

 **Me** 8:28 pm

I'll see if I can find my headphones. Did you still want to watch that same video?

 **space boi** 8:28 pm

of course! i've only seen it once on my friends AWFUL phone screen. watching it on my laptop means i can actually see what's going on.

I hadn't expected the stranger to be so easy to talk to, but he was. He was easier to talk to than a lot of the people here at Allura's, but that wasn't saying much. Everyone here was either too far gone to try and talk to the newcomers or they already had their friend group established here. It wasn't a clique-y place, but the people here liked to stick to what they were used to.

Not that I blame them, of course. I was more than happy to stick to visits from Shiro and messages or calls from Pidge. There were a few people here that I would occasionally talk to when I felt up to leaving my room, but it wasn't that often.

I know I'm overthinking all of this. This stranger isn't going to know me out of Rabbit. I'm not going to be seeing them regularly or talking to them every day like I do with the other two people in my life. Yet I still dug through mounds of abandoned things until I was able to snatch my pair of headphones from under a pile of unworn clothes. I usually just let the speakers play on low volume and read the subtitles, but I was genuinely curious about what this guy sounded like. It was important to know if I was talking to some fifty year old weirdo.

After leaning back into a stretch that seemed to last for five minutes straight, I made my way back to my bed. Aside from when I'm forced to, I still don't have enough energy to get out of bed and do something most days. I don't even know _why._ Any energy I had from my highschool years has completely depleted. It all happened in the blink of an eye and I didn't have the chance to stop it or catch what it was that caused it. It was a blur of draining emotions. Then the months began to drag on and on and I couldn't pull myself out of bed anymore.

I have a smidge more energy now, but my bed was still my only comfort zone. The only place I stayed at for a long period of time. It almost felt as consistent to me as space.

After slipping back into my bed and melting into the warmth of the blankets, I pulled my laptop back onto my lap, blindly plugging my headphones into the headphone jack as the darkness of the room set in. I guess staring at the computer screen kind of distracted me from just how dark it gets after eight.

 **Me** 8:39 pm

Okay, I found them.

 **space boi** 8:39 pm

ELEVEN MINUTES

 **space boi** 8:39 pm

i thought maybe you ditched me

 **Me** 8:39 pm

Why would I do that? I want to see the new video too.

 **space boi** 8:39 pm

haven't you already seen it?

 **Me** 8:39 pm

No. I thought I'd wait for you.

 **Me** 8:39 pm

Is that weird?

 **space boi** 8:41 pm

?/?/?/

 **space boi** 8:41 pm

THATS SO SWEET?

 **space boi** 8:41 pm

are you an angel irl?

 **space boi** 8:42 pm

WHY is that so ADORABLE to me

 **Me** 8:42 pm

I

?

I stared at my phone blankly, not entirely sure what to say. Sweet, angel, and adorable were not three words commonly associated with me at all. Not since I was an infant. This guy didn't even know my first name and he was already managing to make me feel like a human being. Maybe this was a bad idea. What if I get attached to him and he decides to stop messaging me? Or decides that I am neither sweet or adorable and gets disappointed?

Despite all of the scenarios playing through my head, I found my fingers trying to type out a response anyway, and I decided to ignore the warm flush crawling up my neck.

 **space boi** 8:42 pm

did i break you

 **space boi** 8:42 pm

was that me taking it too far?

 **space boi** 8:43 pm

IM SORR y it was just really sweet :(

 **Me** 8:45 pm

Nononono don't apologize. You didn't take it too far.

 **Me** 8:45 pm

I'm just not used to compliments like that, I guess.

 **Me** 8:45 pm

I almost thanked you for them.

 **space boi** 8:45 pm

SO? CUTE?

 **space boi** 8:45 pm

this, ladies and gentlemen (and those of other pronouns), is why i am bisexual

 **Me** 8:45 pm

Wow. You really don't hold back, do you?

 **Me** 8:46 pm

(Still not uncomfortable.)

 **space boi** 8:46 pm

you cheered me up tonight praising you is the least i could do kogayne

 **space boi** 8:46 pm

(i'm really glad 33)

 **Me** 8:46 pm

Weren't you going to use your mic?

 **space boi** 8:48 pm

well yeah but not until the video starts

 **space boi** 8:48 pm

which means you gotta invite me to your room first instead of hanging out in the private messages

 **space boi** 8:48 pm

since you've apparently figured out how to lock your room

 _Invite sent!_

 **Me** 8:49 pm

There you go, whiny.

 **space boi** 8:49 pm

i finally have a nickname! 33

 _space boi has joined your room!_

 **space boi** 8:49 pm

oh sweet you already have it set up!

 **Me** 8:51 pm

Yeah. Thought it'd be dangerous to sign into my account with your eyes watching.

 **space boi** 8:51 pm

:(( that hurt mi corazón

 **Me** 8:52 pm

Do you speak Spanish naturally or do you use Google Translate?

 **space boi** 8:52 pm

[cuban gasp]

 **space boi** 8:52 pm

i speak it naturally! why was my grammar off? it's been a long time

 **Me** 8:52 pm

I have no idea. I never took Spanish.

 **space boi** 8:52 pm

really? that's usually everyone's go to for their world language creds

 **Me** 8:52 pm

i took two years of Japanese, a year of French, and another year of Italian for my friend

 **space boi** 8:52 pm

:00 show meee

 **Me** 8:52 pm

Ha. Just because I took the classes doesn't mean I remember a single thing.

 **Me** 8:53 pm

I only know the basics that you could easily find on Google.

 **space boi** 8:53 pm

honestly i can relate

 **space boi** 8:53 pm

i only REALLY know spanish because of the classes i took in high school. i don't know the "cuban spanish" as well as my siblings

 **Me** 8:53 pm

What's the difference between high school Spanish and Cuban Spanish?

 **space boi** 8:54 pm

? honestly it's all really confusing. I know that the accents sound different. some different phrases and slang. it's nothing super huge but the spanish i speak is a lot faster than the spanish my family speaks and it drives them crazy

 **space boi** 8:54 pm

same issue with my english speaking though lol i just talk too much

 **Me** 8:54 pm

I don't think you talk too much.

 **space boi** 8:54 pm

there you go AGAIN being an ANGEL 33

 **space boi** 8:54 pm

guess you'll be able to decide if i talk to much or not when you play the video

 **Me** 8:54 pm

I'm sure I'll stand by my answer.

I shouldn't be so nervous to start the video, but my hand is kind of shaking as I lead the cursor over to the play button. I wasn't scared of him being some creep anymore - even though he very rightly could be. I wasn't scared I'd hear some creepy voice at all. It was a different kind of nervous. The kind that made my stomach feel tight and my heart race a bit more than it probably should. Is _this_ anxiety? It's not a particularly bad feeling.

I took a sharp breath, slamming my finger onto the play button before I could back out and make him feel bad. I almost forgot what video I was even playing. I was building up a lot of anticipation for when he'd turn his microphone on.

It didn't take long for the soft sound of static to start playing alongside the video. It was silent for a bit, and I knew I was holding my breath for way too long. I bit my lip, glancing from the video to the chat bar for a solid minute.

 **Me** 8:57 pm

You okay?

 **Me** 8:57 pm

You don't have to have it on.

 **space boi** 8:57 pm

nonononono it's not like that i just,,

 **space boi** 8:57 pm

i have some Concerns

 **space boi** 8:57 pm

what if my voice is irritating?

 **space boi** 8:58 pm

or i screw up and saw something dumb?

 **space boi** 8:58 pm

or i talk too much?

 **Me** 8:58 pm

Don't worry so much.

 **space boi** 8:58 pm

or i laugh too loud into your headphones

 **space boi** 8:58 pm

:(( are you sure

 **Me** 8:58 pm

Just talk like you would to your friend.

 **Me** 8:58 pm

I think his name was Hunk?

 **Me** 8:58 pm

Just talk to me like you would him. Or anyone else.

 **space boi** 8:58 pm

yeah yeah you're right im good no need to stress

" _... Okay- can you hear me? It it working right? I swear if it decided to stop working-"_

?!

Okay, so he definitely didn't sound like some middle-age weirdo. At all. He spoke similar to how he typed; energetic and friendly. It was a mixture of soft and kind of timid, which I wasn't expecting. I knew he was kind of nervous, which was fair, but I hadn't expected to hear it in his voice. I licked my lips, aware that I was biting them too much in a nervous feeling of my own. I liked his voice. A lot.

" _Dude? If you're just messing with me- oh cool you're typing."_

 **Me** 9:02 pm

I'm not messing with you.

 **Me** 9:02 pm

I was just surprised by your voice, I guess.

" _Blatantly honest, cool. Is it everything I feared it would be?"_

 **Me** 9:02 pm

Kind of the opposite, actually.

I tried to fight the smile that crept onto my lips as a squeak of surprise slipped through his own, but I failed miserably.

" _That- that's good-! Must be my charm seeping through the headphones."_

 **Me** 9:03 pm

I wouldn't doubt it.

" _A lot more confident when I can't type out a witty response, I see. That's not fair, but y'know, what really is?"_

 **Me** 9:03 pm

33

" _Ahhhh-! Knock it off! I am THIS close to taking back all the nice things I said about you."_

So I liked this guy a lot more than I had been expecting. Enough to laugh or grin at how easily embarrassed he was or how nice his voice was. Maybe friendship wasn't completely out of the question.

Maybe I needed this.

" _Real talk, though. Who would be Rhett and who would be Link?"_

 **Me** 9:05 pm

?

" _You know- like, us. Who would be who?"_

 **Me** 9:05 pm

Ohh

 **Me** 9:05 pm

I mean, I don't know you too well yet. But so far, I'd say you'd probably be Link.

" _Yet, huh? Meaning we'll be getting to know each other after all?"_

 **Me** 9:05 pm

I'll consider it.

" _Which is basically a yes in your language, right? Sweet! We can just make this a regular thing. We can get on at eight every night and hang out."_

 **Me** 9:06 pm

Oh

" _Unless… Unless that's weird? I didn't mean to be super forward or seem clingy or anything-"_

 **Me** 9:06 pm

Nononono! Don't worry about that. It's just been awhile since I've had something cool to look forward to, I guess.

 **Me** 9:06 pm

Sure. Every night at eight.

" _You are a saint, I'm telling you. Too good for this world. Almost purer than Hunk. Alright then. We've got a date. Every single night in the foreseeable future."_

 **Me** 9:06 pm

You're barely stepping on the friendship line. Watch it.

" _Is this more of your dry humor?"_

 **Me** 9:06 pm

Mostly.

" _Alright, alright, fair enough."_

 **Me** 9:06 pm

Also.

 **Me** 9:06 pm

We'll never be able to call it a date if I don't know your name.

" _I knew you'd eventually fall for my charm. I'll just pretend that it wasn't dry humor and keep my nights date-free so I don't accidentally cheat on you when you finally ask me out. And the name is Lance."_

 **Me** 9:07 pm

Keep on dreaming.

 **Me** 9:07 pm

I'm Keith.


	4. euphoria

_Pidgeon has joined your room!_

 **Pigeon** 8:05 am

squats down to your height

 **Pidgeon** 8:05 am

u good?

 **Me** 8:07 am

Okay, first of all.

 **Me** 8:07 am

You literally can't squat down to my height. You're 4'8 and I'm 5'7.

 **Me** 8:07 am

Second.

 **Me** 8:07 am

It's really early. Why would something already be wrong?

 **Pidgeon** 8:09 am

wow here i am being a GOOD FRIEND

 **Me** 8:09 am

You're the best friend I could ask for.

 **Me** 8:09 am

Doesn't mean you don't worry too much.

 **Pidgeon** 8:09 am

:/ it's part of the deal keith

 **Me** 8:09 am

:/ Well I'm fine. Slept pretty good last night, actually.

 **Pidgeon** 8:09 am

! what time did you fall asleep?

 **Me** 8:09 am

I think it was around one in the morning.

 **Pidgeon** 8:11 am

dude that's so much earlier than usual! you must've been pretty happy last night huh

 **Me** 8:11 am

I guess I was. I was hanging out with a friend.

 **Pidgeon** 8:11 am

you made a pal!

 **Me** 8:11 am

Yeah. He's pretty cool. We met on Rabbit.

 **Pidgeon** 8:12 am

I want all the crazy gossip after my classes okay

 **Pidgeon** 8:12 am

I have to take notes but ily and i'm super proud of you

 **Me** 8:12 am

Thanks, Pidge. I love you too! Focus on your notes.

 **Pidgeon** 8:12 am

[announcer voice] iIIIITS TiME TO sUFFER

 _Pidgeon has left your room._

With a small smile, I slowly shut my laptop. It was only twelve minutes until everyone was called down to breakfast, which wasn't enough time to watch a decent amount of videos. Plus, I think I watched half of GMMs videos last night with Lance.

We had originally planned on only watching one, but I wasn't tired at all and he was determined to stay up until I was ready to go to bed. Eventually I decided to give it a shot because he mentioned having classes in the morning, and I ended up sleeping a lot better than I have in awhile. I guess falling asleep with a smile on your face and conversations replaying in your head is a good way to do it.

Eight tonight. He reminded me over and over during the videos that I had to be on at eight pm tonight, otherwise I'd be spammed with messages and invitations that he knew I'd see because I let it slip my laptop is almost always open. And that I have the Rabbit app, which means I'll get the notifications either way.

He reminded me with that sweet and smooth voice of his. It took about an hour of talking before he seemed more confident, and when he was, he was all over the place. Commenting on the video, asking me questions, making comments about me that were borderline too friendly, and so on. I would reply as much as I could, but I really liked listening to him. He had no idea, but I drifted off a bit when he started rambling about something in the video, his voice a lot more calming than I was used to.

I smiled to myself a bit more, brushing my thumb across my phone screen that sat idly on my lap. I wonder if he was actually thinking about it yet. I know he's up by now, since he has college courses too, but that didn't mean he was already thinking about me. I had a valid reason for already thinking about it. It was the first 'event' I've agreed to since I enrolled in college. It was a plan. The doctor is going to cry tears of joy if she finds out.

After a small stretch and a long, breathy yawn, I threw my legs over my bed and let them hang off as my head became more and more wrapped in my own thoughts. Thoughts about Lance, mostly. Because I like him a lot more than I should. He was a total stranger. I only knew his name, the fact he's a guy, and the fact he's in college. I didn't know him last name or his major or anything personal.

But it already felt like something different.

I rubbed my eyes, the lingering feeling of exhaustion in the back of my mind and very prominent on my face. I was, unfortunately, the kind of guy who has bags under his eyes and almost deathly pale skin. I had some Korean features, but nothing that made me stand out. It's more that I've heard that I have Korean features. Which makes sense, since my birth mother was Korean. My dad was a pure blooded Texan. It was an interesting mix.

I wouldn't consider myself to be strongly linked to my heritage, though. It's a part of my Tragic Anime Backstory. I never had the opportunity to meet my mother, so I had no reason to really learn or use the customs and traditions like my older brother did.

Shiro, the aforementioned brother, had two very loving Japanese parents. They had moved here from Japan when he was born. He didn't speak fluent Japanese, nor did he really act like the stereotypical Japanese adult, but he at least had parents who exposed him to the ideas and beliefs of the Japanese culture. I never had any of that. Not until I moved in with him, anyway.

I was a kid who jumped from foster home to foster home, either too quiet or too troublesome to keep around for too long. I don't think anyone understood just how much it hurt for me to wake up and find that my father had left. I was alone in my house for a good week before I got too hungry and told one of my neighbors that my father hadn't come back. Child services was there within a few hours, and everything I had once called a home was gone forever.

I've seen the inside of a lot of houses, but it never seemed to get much farther than that. The more they returned me, the more reclusive I became and the more trouble I caused at school. I was almost put into a 'special' section of the 'adoption' home I stayed at. The place kids who would most likely never be adopted were put. Like wounded animals or something.

But then Shiro and his parents came along.

I had only been around eight then, but I remember the day clearly. It was the same day that the orphanage tried to discreetly get me signed up under the autism spectrum to get extra state funds. Said I'd be useful. I didn't really understand at the time.

When they walked in and were shown images of children with their Tragic Backstory or medical problems, they claimed they weren't here to windowshop for a child. They wanted to meet a child who matched their lifestyle and would be happy with the way they lived. They were scheduling a time to drop by when the kids were in classes when Shiro saw me poking my head around the corner. I wasn't supposed to be out of my room yet, but I was never a kid who listened.

He hadn't pointed at me or asked who I was. He hadn't shook his mother's' arm and whispered mom I want that one as a brother like the rest of them. We stared at each other for a moment before he smiled the kindest smile I had ever seen. And I, despite being terrified that the lady at the desk would notice Shiro staring off and smiling towards the back of the building, smiled back.

From there it just seemed to escalate. When they dropped by to see the children during classes that following Monday, Shiro had come over and introduced himself. He had to of been around fourteen years old - but that didn't stop him from talking to me like an old friend. He asked how I was doing and if I wanted some of the lunchable he brought with him. I told him I'm doing okay and that I didn't know what a lunchable was.

The adoption process didn't happen for a few weeks, but Shiro started to stop by the school and visit every day before I had to return to the home. He'd take me to different fast food places or to the library to read (which is where I found my love of conspiracy books and theories) and told me to keep fighting through my problems because he believed in me. I hadn't realized how strongly I needed to hear those words as a kid.

I guess word slipped out that he and I had been hanging out, because his parents asked to specifically meet me one afternoon. I hadn't seen them since they stopped by that one Monday morning, but I knew them well. Shiro talked about his family a lot, almost as if I were a part of it. I guess he talked about me to his parents, too. They were some of the most patient and friendly people I had ever talked to. They asked me if I wanted to be adopted, which I thought was a silly question because who didn't want to be adopted? But the answer struggled to leave my tongue for a good five minutes. I hadn't known at the time, but that was just because I was scared they'd return me like some sick kitten too.

I lived with them until the day I moved into my college dorm. They never gave up on me, even when I got into some serious trouble at my middle school (to the point I had to switch schools and Shiro had to wake up twenty minutes early to drive me down to the new one), nor did they treat me like I was anything but their son. In their eyes I was simply family. I wasn't some kid they adopted. I was as important as Shiro. And it felt amazing.

Which is one of the many reasons I don't understand this stupid Mood I've thrown myself in. Yeah, I was a sad kid during my elementary years, but I grew up with a pretty happy life. I had great parents and a great older brother, and I had met Pidge at the new school the first day. That's a story for another time, though.

So why? Why was it so hard for me to drag my feet onto the floor this morning? I was still dangling them off the bed, lost in thought and entangled in memories. I hadn't been through what a lot of people here have. I had a family who visited often and a friend who loved me more than I deserved. What was tearing me down so much? The doctor insisted that it's something buried deep down, and that I should see a therapist to try and unlock my inner torment and come to peace with it. Allura was an amazing person, she really was, but she was still so determined to stick to the idea that she knew my head better than I did.

Not that anyone has literally ever asked me, but I had come to the anticlimactic conclusion that I was simply a sad kid. No backstory or specific series of events led to my 'crippling depression'. I was simply unhappy. Everyone was so determined to pinpoint a reason so we can all tackle it together and I can be happy again. There wasn't anything wrong. I was just sad sometimes. It wasn't worth all of the attention that it's been getting, but ignoring everyone is only going to make me feel worse.

With a small, tired sigh, I slowly pushed myself out of bed, my feet searching aimlessly for the cold floor.

 _Just get up, get breakfast, and come back to the bed. No big deal. It'll take less than ten minutes if you play your cards right. You don't even have to get out of your pajamas._

I stared blankly at the door, my legs suddenly feeling non existent.

 _It's just breakfast._

I curled my toes to try and regain feeling, flinching when they cracked a bit.

Just ten minutes.

I let my feet fall onto the floor, heaving another heavy sigh as I dropped myself off of the bed. I had felt a huge surge of energy last night when I was searching for my headphones, but this morning? Nothing. It felt like a workout to drag myself over to the door, but I did it anyway, my mind wandering as my legs led me to the cafeteria from sheer memory alone.

The halls in this place weren't huge and empty like they were in a hospital. They colors were all very autumn-themed, with brown carpet and dark orange walls. The ceiling was littered small light fixtures that had been created by different patients. Some were origami-shaped and some were painted glass, but they all had the same color palette. Hanging neatly along the walls were photos upon photos of different patients, letters, and motivational quotes that seemed a bit redundant.

The carpet was getting warndown and thin, the walls were losing their shine, and some of the lights had burnt out, but it was still a cozy walk from my room to the cafeteria nonetheless. Thankfully, it was a short walk, too. Down this hall, take a right, and through the first door on the left. If you kept walking down the hall after taking a right, you'd be heading straight for the exit. I never got to go further than the cafeteria.

The place was huge, but easy to navigate; down the hall and to the right were the basic rooms. Check-in, the cafeteria, the exit, etc. No one really had a reason to go down that way unless they were allowed to leave on their own or they were getting ready to eat. The more commonly visited area would be going down the hall and taking a left. That's where all of the 'fun' rooms were. The game room, therapists, panic room, gym, etc. Any hobby you could think of, there was probably a small area dedicated to it. Any problem you could think of and they had a room full of ways to cope. Anxiety? There's a room full of small kittens that belonged to Allura, just begging to be played with. Depression? There's a room full of upbeat songs and peppy quotes. It was a nice gesture, but pretty much useless.

Going straight down the hall led to even more rooms. There were hundreds of rooms here, and Allura knew each patient by name, as well as their condition and what their preferences for everything. I felt overwhelmed just remembering the people who lived next to me, let alone every single person here. She may have been a bit overbearing, but I admired her determination and love of her job a lot.

I may not know all of the people here, but I know the place like the back of my hand. Problem is, I could tell you where every single room was but I haven't been in more than half of them. I tried the room they dedicated for anxiety, and I spent a lot of time there. Even if I wasn't feeling anxious. I just really like the cats. And it made me feel calm, even when I wasn't incredibly stressed out.

I rounded the corner, grimacing at the crowded cafeteria that sat on the other side of the door. Just go up to the buffet line, grab whatever you can possibly eat, then go back. You don't have to do anything else. The sooner you get your breakfast, the sooner you can leave.

I took a small breath, my hand shaking against the door handle. How mad would Allura be if I decided to skip breakfast today? Just as my hand was slowly pulling off of the handle, I heard a faint tsk of impatience from behind me.

"C'mon, Kogane, I don't have all day." A quiet voice sighed, one that was slightly recognizable. I rose an eyebrow, glancing over my shoulder. Oh, that's who it was. I know this one. Maticia McClain, one of the only females here who hasn't tried to hit on me. That might sound conceited, but everyone here was very wordy and it got awkward really quick when they found out I was gay and not in the mood. It was nice to find out she was a lesbian.

She was a cute girl, though, I could admit that. She was clearly from somewhere way more interesting than America (Mexico? Cuba? I couldn't tell and I didn't want to be rude by asking) and was probably around Pidge's height, if not a bit shorter. She also had glasses (thankfully not nearly as round as Pidge's) and was surprisingly older than me, too. I think she was almost twenty? The most noticeable thing though, was that her smile was very infectious. She just didn't smile a ton. She wasn't in here because she was depressed or anything. She claimed she had an awesome life with people that she adored, and she was here simply because her girlfriend had begged her to after some issues regarding her self-worth. We were kind of on the same boat, so we got along okay.

"It's only nine in the morning, Maticia. Where could you possibly have to be after this?" I asked, leaning against the door-frame so that my body blocked the handle. She sent me a tired look, a sketchpad tucked under one of her arms.

"My girlfriend is coming to visit today and I want to grab some of the pie before they're gone. She's never tried apple pie before, can you believe that?" She didn't seem to be expecting an answer. She just shifted a bit in her position, glancing from the covered doorknob and back to me, her long hair sliding down her shoulders in a way that my hair could never be able to compete with it.

I rolled my eyes, stepping out of the way to let her open the door. She did so without hesitation, and I walked with her towards the line of the buffet, which wasn't nearly as long as I had feared. She glanced over her shoulder at me, biting her little round cheek. "How are you doing?"

Despite knowing her good intentions, I scoffed under my breath. "Same as usual."

"I get it. Not your favorite question." She held her hand up in mock defense, proceeding to grab a plate from the tray nearby. I copied her action, looking down at her curiously as she eyed the excessive amount of food presented to us excitedly.

"What, you don't mind constantly being asked if you're okay?"

She glanced up at me, barely moving her head. "Depends on who's asking, I guess. It's nice to have my girlfriend or my siblings ask how I'm doing whenever they visit, you know? Let's me know they didn't just drop me off here because I'm a burden or something."

"Pretty sure my brother and my friend would kill me if I ever assumed I was a burden." I mumbled, turning my attention to the small tray of eggs and bacon that sat in front of my plate. Not happening today. After looking through the rest of the food that was offered, I ended up grabbing an apple and a piece of toast. Maticia looked shocked.

"That's it? Aren't you hungry?" She asked, and I pointed at her own plate in response, where two small pieces of apple pie sat. She waved it towards me a bit. "This is just a snack. She's bringing over McDonalds for breakfast. I'm not gonna tell you to eat more-"

"Good."

"-but don't go blowing your time here. There's some good food, dude. You're gonna waste it." She sent me a playful smirk, followed by a tiny wave as she made her way back to the door where a taller girl with half-shaved hair and a worried expression stood. She only looked worried when the plate of pie was handed to her, though. She must be the apple pie girlfriend.

The cafeteria was slowly dying down as more people began to sneak back into their rooms. The silence was always welcomed, but sometimes it felt kind of lonely. Especially when the person you were talking to left to talk to the person they loved. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad Maticia was able to talk to someone who made her happy, but the idea filled me with jealousy more than anything. Not because I wanted to hang out with her or whatever, it was more just that I still wanted to find my own person, but the idea was becoming more and more abstract the more I went on. It was a lonely feeling, but one I was used to.

Last night, though, I hadn't felt that lonely. I was up at a pretty average time for a teenager, joking around and laughing as the voice of someone new and interesting filled the bleak air around me. Lance. He was definitely something different, that's for sure. He had sent me a message at six in the morning asking if I was still up for watching something tonight, and told me he'd get on Rabbit whenever he had a free period. Did I reply? I might have been too caught off guard to reply- but by the time I saw it he was offline anyway. I bit my lip, the small plate of food in my hand and my phone now sitting in the other. It was nine thirty, there's a chance he could be on.

I unlocked my screen as casually as I could, scrolling through the only four contacts on my Rabbit account. Shiro, Pidge, Lance, and Shiro's boyfriend (and Pidge's older brother) Matt. Why was he even in my contacts? Sure, he was a good guy and all, but we don't have a ton of conversations without the others butting in. I suppose I could call him a friend, but that seems like a stretch. Regardless, I kept him in my contacts. Never know who might want to message you.

Without looking up from my phone, I made my way over to the door. Was it weird for me to be hoping he'd be online? I barely knew him. I didn't know his actual age or his middle or last name or anything about him or his family - he was still a stranger, if you look at it realistically. And yet, he was so determined to already call me his friend. Was that just a part of his personality? Or was he just trying to mooch off of my YouTube Red account? Despite the latter being more likely, I had trouble believing that that was something Lance would do. As if I actually know him and his intentions.

I sighed, pushing through the door and letting my legs drag me back to my room. I didn't see anyone online, but I kept the app open nonetheless.

I saw Maticia and her girlfriend standing near the entrance of the cafeteria, clearly lost in a conversation that I was assuming had to do with the pie, because her girlfriend was looking at it in disdain.

"See you later, Keef." Maticia threw a peace sign in my direction, earning a cringe from both me and her girlfriend in return. I eyed her for a moment and then glanced at her girlfriend, who was smiling politely at me. I could see her bouncing a bit in her place, clearly excited to take off with her girlfriend. I smiled back at the two of them, waving my hand with the phone as politely as I could.

"See ya." I replied, nodding towards them as I took off in the opposite direction as they did. When would I have someone to leave this place with? Someone to date? When would I be able to head out towards the exit without asking Allura first? Why was it even a problem? I haven't done anything yet. Sure, just because there's a small chance I probably would walk through incoming traffic and simply hope for the best, but it's really not that big of a deal. I'd never do anything on purpose, why treat me like a dangerous or hunted animal?

The sudden buzz of my phone almost made me drop my plate in surprise. I double-tapped the screen, raising an eyebrow in surprise. I'm not sure what I expected, but seeing a notification from Rabbit wasn't it. Maybe it was what I had been hoping, but it wasn't what I was used to. Especially not at this time of day, since this is when Shiro and Matt are busy at work and Pidge is frantically taking notes. I unlocked my phone to drag the notification bar down.

 **[ space boi** 9:45 am

KeeEEEEITH! hi **]**

That's right. I have a fourth contact now. One that isn't as busy as the rest for whatever reason. One that liked to bug me a lot even after only knowing me for two days. One that I had kind of been hoping for a message from. Despite how much I hated it, I could feel myself smiling against my own will. I'm just grateful everyone left the cafeteria before me, otherwise I know I'd get tons of questioning looks or snarky comments. 'Whoa, guys, pull out your phones and take a picture of this. Keith Kogane is - wait for it - smiling!'

Wouldn't be the first time. And it most likely wouldn't be the last.

The people here were nice, but they were cooped up in here for awhile too. They've grown accustomed to the idea that we're all one big family who can take a joke and mess around with each other. That may work out great for them, but it drives me insane. I don't want to know these people. Not because they make me uncomfortable, but because I know my problems will seem so small and unimportant compared to theirs. I wasn't depressed because of my life. I was just depressed. One person here lost their entire family in a car crash. I had an amazing foster family. One person was almost killed by their best friend. I have the best friend a person could ask for.

In short, I feel really ungrateful for the life I have. Sometimes I just-

 **[space boi** 9:49 am

kEEEITH i only have ten minutes left of this class before i gotta go cmon /3 **]**

Thoughts that had just been degrading and hurtful were now starting to disperse, being replaced by a slight eye-roll and a smirk. I did my best to type out my reply with one hand, even though my room was only one more door down. Technically, it would have been easier to wait until I was comfortable in my room again, but I wanted to humor him. I opened the app.

 **[PM]**

 **Me** 9:49 am

Sorry about that. I was getting some breakfast.

 **space boi** 9:49 am

no worries! breakfast is far more important. what are you having?

 **Me** 9:49 am

Nothing special. Just an apple and a piece of toast.

 **Me** 9:49 am

Also, I wouldn't say breakfast is far more important. I mean, yeah, it's important, but you are too.

 **Me** 9:49 am

That sounded a lot gayer than I meant it to.

I felt my cheeks flush as I looked away from my phone, wishing more than anything he wasn't already typing so that I could delete my last two messages and not make myself seem like some desperate kid trying to kiss up to his new friends. I balanced my phone between my shoulder and my jaw, fumbling for the key to my room as my phone continued to buzz with notifications.

 **space boi** 9:49 am

sTOP

 **space boi** 9:49 am

dont try to distract me w/ your cuteness man

 **space boi** 9:49 am

i cant just overlook what you told me.

 **space boi** 9:49 am

youre only having AN APPLE and a (a, as in singular?) SLICE OF TOAST

 **space boi** 9:50 am

come on kogayne you deserve better than that at least make two slices of toast?

 **space boi** 9:50 am

who just puts one slice of bread in the toaster anyway

It didn't take me long to slip into my room and get comfortable on my bed. All I had to do was kick off my sneakers (which go horribly when my red pajama pants, I've been told) and jump underneath the covers. The lights were off, the blinds were closed, and there wasn't any noise aside from my phone buzzing and my tired breathing. It even looked like a room a sad kid would have. I could at least try not to be stereotypical. Cut my hair. Open up the curtains to let some natural light in here.

I decided to stay in bed, opening the app instead.

 **Me** 9:52 am

It's all I had the appetite for.

 **Me** 9:52 am

And technically I didn't make it.

 **space boi** 9:52 am

thats not acceptable my friend i'll make you an awesome breakfast one day

 **space boi** 9:52 am

or hunk will since he can cook better than anyone i've ever met

 **space boi** 9:52 am

also you didnt make it? is someone else feeding my ANGEL nothing more than a single slice of toasted bread?

 **Me** 9:52 am

Don't call me that.

 **Me** 9:52 am

And not intentionally. I just grabbed what was at the buffet table thing.

 **space boi** 9:53 am

oooh are you at a hotel or something

 **Me** 9:53 am

Yeah, something like that.

 **space boi** 9:53 am

hmmmmm

 **space boi** 9:53 am

i'll learn more about you eventually kogayne

 **Me** 9:53 am

I look forward to it.

 **space boi** 9:53 am

well now i'm even more encouraged to get to know you 33

 **space boi** 9:53 am

guess i'll start tonight at 8~

 **Me** 9:53 am

Oh, did you have something planned?

 **space boi** 9:53 am

oh hahHAHahHA. nice try keithy i'm not gonna leave you alone about tonight until 8:01 when we're both hanging out watching youtube

 **Me** 9:54 am

Ah, so we'll be meeting at exactly eight? What if I'm a few minutes late?

 **space boi** 9:54 am

my angel wouldnt do that to me

 **Me** 9:54 am

Enough with the nickname

 **space boi** 9:55 am

does it genuinely bother you :(

 **Me** 9:55 am

Oh

 **Me** 9:55 am

Not really, I guess? It's more of a reflex than anything. I'm not uncomfortable.

 **space boi** 9:55 am

ok good! just let me know if it's ever too much. sometimes i forget that not everyone is as wordy as I am lol

It almost made me want to be a wordy person. The angel nickname, despite how dorky it was, still made my stomach flip a bit. Was that a good thing? It wasn't something I hadn't felt before, I knew that. I found myself smiling as I bit into my apple, rereading the nickname a few times before preparing to type again.

 **Me** 9:55 am

I guess it doesn't bother me as much as I make it sound. It's more that I'm surprised by it. Affection of any kind - verbal or physical, intimate or platonic - isn't something I'm used to.

 **space boi** 9:56 am

:( that makes my heart sad kogayne

 **space boi** 9:56 am

you seem like the kind of guy who deserves that feeling every once in awhile

 **Me** 9:56 am

What feeling?

 **space boi** 9:56 am

just that happy bubbly feeling you get when someone calls you by a special nickname or pulls you into a tight hug of warmth and happiness

 **space boi** 9:56 am

like when i call you angel 33

 **Me** 9:56 am

 **Can** 't say I relate.

Unless he was talking about the flips and butterflies swarming in my stomach every single time he used the nickname. That couldn't possibly be it, right? I have a feeling it is.

 **space boi** 9:56 am

hopefully i can fix that someday ;)

 **Me** 9:56 am

I wouldn't mind.

 **space boi** 9:56 am

no?

 **Me** 9:56 am

No.

 **Me** 9:56 am

Good luck trying to do it, though.

 **Me** 9:56 am

It's pretty hard to get me to feel anything.

 **space boi** 9:57 am

i like a good challenge.

Was it dumb of me to feel so flustered? My heart was beating way too fast for being in a conversation with a new friend. But… This wasn't exactly a friendly conversation, either. A part of me felt like he didn't mean any of that in a platonic way, even if it was probably just wishful thinking. He's really something else. I wonder how long he'll want to talk to me.

 **space boi** 9:59 am

i genuinely hate to cut off the conversation but i have MY leAST FAVORITE class ever and if i dont pay attention im most definitely going to fail

 **space boi** 9:59 am

wish me luck

 **Me** 9:59 am

I'm sure you don't need it.

 **space boi** 10:05 am

great thanks to you i tripped into class and stumbled all the way to my seat

 **space boi** 10:05 am

i literally cant message again the teacher has his back turned so i thought id let you know the chaos you caused with your sweetness

 **Me** 10:05 am

Glad I could contribute to your day.

My hand shook a bit as I placed my phone back down onto the bed, and I couldn't tell if it was from nerves or the sudden chill I felt shoot down my spine. Okay, okay. Don't go stressing out or making this feeling seem like a bigger deal than it actually is. We were just messing around. He doesn't really wanna make you feel all happy and bubbly with affection and nicknames - he was just being playful and friendly. He was a pretty over-the-top kind of guy from what I've seen, there's nothing more to it than excessive friendliness and maybe a bit of something more as a joke.

I've never felt my stomach do this before. Great. This loser with the username space boi is making me question just how far my feelings can actually go. A boy named Lance that I didn't even have a face to put behind. Just a soft, energetic voice that I could hear clearly with everything he sent after only one call. Would there be more? Would he want to talk in a call again? I bit my lip, staring down at my phone. The conversation was still up, and my thumbs seemed to be moving without me realizing it.

 **Me** 10:18 am

Do you plan on using your mic again tonight?

I shut my phone screen off, placing it on the nightstand beside my bed so I could instead have Rabbit up on my larger laptop screen. I have no idea when anyone will be online, but I could at least watch stuff for a bit now. This is what I'm used to things being like. No confusing emotions or sweet boys in my head. Just watching stuff until one of my contacts are online and willing to talk about their day before asking me tentatively about mine, despite me begging them not to ask how I'm doing. I don't hold anything against them for it, I guess I would probably do the same. It just got really old after awhile. I'm still here. How do they think I'm doing?

I guess that's one of the reasons I'm so drawn to talking to Lance. Right now, he has no idea that I'm in a place like this. He doesn't know that I have trouble getting out of bed or that I can't eat more than an apple and a piece of toast without getting sick or upset. He has no idea that my life has been a series of train-wrecks and being in a place like this is the most consistent thing I've ever had in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my foster family, but things still weren't official. I'm an adult now, but due to my 'condition' it was a bit harder to get through the adoption process. It could be a few years before the home I was put in considers me a legal member of Shiro's family, even if we took it to court a few years back and they declared that I could be considered a legitimate member of the household since they meet all the criteria and whatever.

My life was inconsistent and constantly throwing stuff at me. But he had no idea that I was struggling, and it was such a nice change of attitude. Sure, Pidge didn't treat me much differently because of everything I was dealing with, but they definitely made sure to hold back a lot more insults and comments than they used to. I missed stuff like that. But I know they're just trying to help and they're scared to see me pushed over the edge again. Having someone treat me in a way that's specifically for me and not for my illness felt like a release. I can say whatever I want without someone over-analyzing it.

I know I'm thinking about him far more than I should, and that he's probably thinking of something completely different right now, but I don't think I can deny that whatever I'm feeling towards him is different than I'm used to. I like having him in my thoughts.

I groaned, lacing my fingers in my hair and pulling on it a bit in frustration. I don't even know anything about him! Why do I do this to myself? Why? We met online. I have no idea where he lives, if he's close, and if I'd ever genuinely be able to see him in person. Heck, I don't even know if we'll talk again after tonight. I can't predict how this is going to play out. Typical. Everything I grow fond of slowly twists into an unpredictable and horrifying turn of events. I'm always building stuff up only to watch it plummet. All those foster families, the new homes, the new friends at new schools, and now this. I thought I was over psyching myself up. I thought I was finally over making myself excited about something like this.

But I don't feel like I'm building all of this up for a disappointing result. Because the more I think of getting on Rabbit tonight-

 **[ space boi** 10:22 am  
of course i'll use my mic again angel 33 **]**

-, the more excited I am for the day to go on. And that alone is a new and terrifying feeling.

* * *

 **Poor Keith hates feelings. _I_ hate that this website doesn't allow all of the necessary characters to make an actual emoji heart. That's what the 33 or 3 are supposed to be. Just. It's just the less than symbol? It's not that crazy of a thing to include in your website,,  
**

 **Anything in [brackets] are just on his lockscreen! :DD and I love the freedom writers have when writing Lance's family. I can just be like 'yeah, he'd have a pretty cool older sister I bet' and it would fit the story just enough. I love writing his sister. Too bad she isn't in it much.  
**

 **Anyways. Enjoy!**


	5. people person

_pidgeon has entered your room!_

 **pidgeon** 7:34 pm

FINALLY finished with homework for today

 **pidgeon** 7:34 pm

now i can relax in peace

 **pidgeon** 7:34 pm

(just kidding. i have to start my thesis for my stupid paper AND prepare for the super important guest speaker thats showing up tomorrow)

 **Me** 7:34 pm

What's there to prepare for?

 **pidgeon** 7:34 pm

what isnt there to prepare for? he's like the head of voltron

 **pidgeon** 7:34 pm

you know

 **pidgeon** 7:34 pm

that super prestigious space exploration company?

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

knocks NASA out of the freakin park?

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

i'm Terrified.

 **Me** 7:35 pm

You mean Coran?

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

?

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

we aren't exactly on a first-name basis but yeah his name is coran

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

how did you know?

 **Me** 7:35 pm

Oh.

 **Me** 7:35 pm

I guess I never told you, huh?

 **Me** 7:35 pm

Coran is Shiro's boss.

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

fnKnkfnDSNLLJlgNGF?

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

IS THAT GOOD OR BAD FOR ME

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

TECHNICALLY IT SHOULD B SINCE I KNOW ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES BUT?

 **pidgeon** 7:35 pm

ITS NOT LIKE IM AN ABSOLUTE A N GE L TO SHIRO HE COULD VERY WELL COMPLAIN ABOUT ME

 **Me** 7:36 pm

Take a breath, Pidge. Shiro adores you, even if you get on his nerves.

 **Me** 7:36 pm

Like me.

 **Me** 7:36 pm

I thought you would be more annoyed at the fact Matt never told you.

 **pidgeon** 7:36 pm

OH RIGHT

 **pidgeon** 7:36

one second :))

 **Me** 7:36 pm

No wait Pidge

 **Me** 7:36 pm

I'm sure he has a reasonable explanation

 **Me** 7:38 pm

Pidge please

 _mattematician has joined your room!_

 _spacedadtm has joined your room!_

 **Me** 7:38 pm

Oh no

 **mattematician** 7:38 pm

what's up? the gremlin invited me here like fifty times

 **spacedadtm** 7:38 pm

And she didn't seem happy

 **Me** 7:38 pm

I would like to apologize in advance.

 **pidgeon** 7:38 pm

rolls up sleeves

 **pidgeon** 7:38 pm

presses my hands together in a prayer shape

 **pidgeon** 7:38 pm

inhales

 **pidgeon** 7:38 pm

BOI

 **pidgeon** 7:39 pm

you guys? NEvER? TOLD ME? THAT YOU? WORKED FOR? CORA N?

 **mattematician** 7:39 pm

oh right guess i forgot about your nerdy obsession with the voltron company haha

 **mattematician** 7:39 pm

pidge i have something to tell you

 **pidgeon** 7:39 pm

Matthew Holt

 **mattematician** 7:39 pm

i work for coran

 **Me** 7:39 pm

Your real name is Matthew?

 **mattematician** 7:39 pm

no

 **spacedadtm** 7:39 pm

I didn't think to tell you, Pidge. It's only been a few weeks since we got our jobs here.

 **mattematician** 7:39 pm

plus its not your business anyway you pest

 **pidgeon** 7:39 pm

it is NOW coran's coming by to talk to my class tomorrow and? i wanna work at voltron SO BADLY you guys don't understand

 **mattematician** 7:39 pm

so there's a possibility you could apply for the same company as me? i'd have to see your annoying face every single day again? i just moved out come oN

 **spacedadtm** 7:39 pm

Don't act like you don't miss her, Matt. You've vented to me numerous times about how weird it is to not have her around.

 **mattematician** 7:40 pm

sounds fake but okay

 **spacedadtm**

And how she would probably be able to help us out with some of the issues we have to deal with.

 **mattematician** 7:40 pm

i dont know WHERE you get your information from babe but this is all Incorrect

 **pidgeon** 7:40 pm

aw you DO need me

 **pidgeon** 7:40 pm

now i'm gonna try even harder to get into voltron with you guys :)))))

 **pidgeon** 7:40 pm

thanks for the info shiro

 **spacedadtm** 7:40 pm

[thumbs up emoji]

 **mattematician** 7:40 pm

shiro youre the worst

 **spacedadtm** 7:40 pm

[thumbs up emoji]

 **pidgeon** 7:40 pm

anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk

 **pidgeon** 7:41 pm

feel free to leave now

 **mattematician** 7:41 pm

k

 _mattematician has left your room!_

 **spacedadtm** 7:41 pm

First, though. How are you doing, Keith?

 **Me** 7:41 pm

uuuuuUUGH

 **Me** 7:41 pm

I'm fine. Same as always.

 **spacedadtm** 7:41 pm

So… Not fine?

 **Me** 7:41 pm

I guess.

 **Me** 7:41 pm

But I guess I don't feel as bad as I usually do.

 **pidgeon** 7:41 pm

bc you're excited for your daaate~

 **Me** 7:41 pm

First of all, you nuisance, it's not a date.

 **Me** 7:41 pm

Second of all, maybe that's why? I'm just feeling different today.

 **spacedadtm** 7:41 pm

You hahngkhnfgk oUR LITTLE KEITHS GOT A ;w

 **pidgeon** 7:41 pm

matt give shiro his phone back

 **spacedadtm** 7:45 pm

He should be gone for now. I threw a Rubik's cube at him

 **spacedadtm** 7:45 pm

So. You have a date?

 **Me** 7:45 pm

I literally said that it isn't a date.

 **Me** 7:45 pm

We're just hanging out in a bit, that's all.

 **spacedadtm** 7:45 pm

That's the first step to dating, little brother.

 **spacedadtm** 7:45 pm

Is it some guy from Allura's?

 **Me** 7:45 pm

No. It's a guy I met on Rabbit a few days ago.

 **spacedadtm** 7:45 pm

You're going on a date with some stranger you met online only a few days ago?

 **Me** 7:45 pm

Okay. Again. First of all, it's not a date. We're just hanging out.

 **Me** 7:46 pm

Second. I don't need to hear the 'stranger danger' rant again, Shiro. He's not a stranger. His name is Lance and he's already used the mic. He doesn't sound like a serial killer.

 **pidgeon** 7:46 pm

thats how they get you

 **Me** 7:46 pm

Let Them Find Me

 **pidgeon** 7:46 pm

:[

 **Me** 7:46 pm

...and not kill me

 **pidgeon** 7:46 pm

better.

 **spacedadtm** 7:46 pm

You're sure he's not some weirdo?

 **Me** 7:46 pm

No weirder than anyone else I've ever met.

 **spacedadtm** 7:47 pm

Then I trust your judgement. Just be careful.

 **Me** 7:47 pm

Sure, sure. Whatever you say.

 **pidgeon** 7:47 pm

it's like watching my mom and brother all over again

 **spacedadtm** 7:47 pm

I just want to make sure he doesn't get into any trouble. That's the last thing he needs right now.

 **pidgeon** 7:47 pm

maybe trouble is exactly what he needs

 **spacedadtm** 7:47 pm

Pidge please don't encourage him. We both know he'll listen to you over me in a heartbeat.

 **Me** 7:47 pm

True

 **pidgeon** 7:47 pm

IM JUST SAYING.

 **pidgeon** 7:47 pm

a mysterious stranger who keith swears has the voice of an angel?

 **pidgeon** 7:47 pm

maybe this is what he needs

 **Me** 7:48 pm

It definitely feels different.

 **Me** 7:48 pm

A good different I think.

 **pidgeon** 7:48 pm

there we go. see?

 **spacedadtm** 7:48 pm

You make it sound like I don't want Keith to talk to this boy.

 **pidgeon** 7:48 pm

did you really just call him "this boy"

 **pidgeon** 7:48 pm

i cannot believe how old you are

 **Me** 7:48 pm

He has a name you guys

 **spacedadtm** 7:48 pm

Right.

 **spacedadtm** 7:48 pm

You make it sound like I don't want Keith to talk to Lance at all.

 **pidgeon** 7:48 pm

i don't really think it's about what you or i want him to do in the end

 **pidgeon** 7:48 pm

if it makes keith happy i saw we dont question anything or try to parent him

 **Me** 7:48 pm

I second that. I'm literally an adult now, Shiro. I think I can decide a few things for myself

 **spacedadtm** 7:49 pm

You're eighteen, Keith. You're a baby-adult.

 **spacedadtm** 7:49 pm

Regardless, I already said that I trust you to do what you think it best. I'm just being an older brother.

 **pidgeon** 7:49 pm

matt would feed me to online stalkers for a dollar

 **spacedadtm** 7:52 pm

Matt said "true"

 **pidgeon** 7:52 pm

does he just read over your shoulders?

 **spacedadtm** 7:52 pm

I felt morally obligated to let him know he was brought into the conversation.

 **spacedadtm** 7:52 pm

And yeah, sometimes he reads over my shoulders.

 **spacedadtm** 7:52 pm

He says hi.

 **pidgeon** 7:52 pm

even when he leaves the chat he still plagues it

 **Me** 7:52 pm

All he said was hi

 **pidgeon** 7:52 pm

dont side with the enemy dont you have a date to prepare for

 **Me** 7:52 pm

Stop calling it a date

 **Me** 7:52 pm

And there isn't much to prepare for. I'm not turning my camera on or anything.

 **pidgeon** 7:52 pm

are you going to use your mic this time?

 **Me** 7:52 pm

And what? Chase him away with my dead voice?

 **pidgeon** 7:52 pm

hey im still around arent i

 **Me** 7:53 pm

Your voice is just as dead as mine, Pidge

 **pidgeon** 7:53 pm

i'd defend myself but i've got nothing that debunks that

 **spacedadtm** 7:53 pm

You two raise my blood pressure with every degrading conversation you have. I can never tell when you're genuinely hating on yourselves anymore.

 **Me** 7:53 pm

Mood.

 **pidgeon** 7:53 pm

rt

 **spacedadtm** 7:53 pm

Okay just.

 **spacedadtm** 7:53 pm

Keith, go get ready for your date.

 **Me** 7:53 pm

uGH it's not a date.

 **spacedadtm** 7:53 pm

Pidge, go to bed.

 **pidgeon** 7:53 pm

living up to your username i see

 **spacedadtm** 7:54 pm

I'm not in space.

 **Me** 7:54 pm

No, but you're STUDYING space

 **pidgeon** 7:54 pm

you cant avoid it

 **Me** 7:54 pm

You know I think Lance likes space

 **pidgeon** 7:54 pm

ohhhh~

 **spacedadtm** 7:54 pm

He seems like a good kid.

 **pidgeon** 7:54 pm

GOSH can you act like youre twenty five and NOT SIXTY

 **spacedadtm** 7:54 pm

Watch your mouth around your elders, hooligan.

 **pidgeon** 7:54 pm

I HATE YOU

 _pidgeon has left the room!_

 **Me** 7:55 pm

She doesn't really hate you

 **spacedadtm** 7:55 pm

Oh, I know. Don't worry.

 **spacedadtm** 7:55 pm

I better go. Matt and I have a lot of work to do.

 **spacedadtm** 7:55 pm

Love you.

 **Me** 7:55 pm

Love you too

 **spacedadtm** 7:55 pm

Have fun on your date!

 _spacedadtm has left the room!_

* * *

I decided not to correct them this time. It would be pointless, since neither of them were actually here anymore. That didn't stop my stomach from twisting in the same new feeling I had felt when I heard his voice - a feeling that I've never felt before him. Maybe it's just because he's different. A mystery. I don't really know Lance.

But I want to. And it's kind of stressing me out. I don't know if he wants to get closer or if he wants to forever be barely-friends on the internet, but whatever he chose, it was a nice change of pace. A new voice and a new feeling all at once. It was really nice. And I think it was a good thing? It feels good. But so does like… murder for murderers. And that isn't a good thing. At all. So there's a chance - yeah, a small one, but a chance nonetheless - that this could be a horrible and morally wrong feeling. And I would never know.

I groaned, falling forward from my comfortable sitting position on my bed, letting my cheel dramatically flop onto the mattress. "This… is a mess." I mumbled into my bed sheets, turning my head into the bed. "A huge, annoying, confusing mess."

It shouldn't be this difficult, that's the problem. I know I'm just hanging out with a friend. It's like hanging out with Pidge, why am I overthinking it? There's no reason for it. Gosh, I'm being so repetitive today. Why can't I experience feeling without trying to analyze them and make them seem like nothing?

I suppose the amount of disrespectful and emotionally abusive foster parents I've had kind of made me struggle with the whole 'feelings' thing. Which wasn't fair to me, an innocent boy who just wanted a healthy, loving family. But whatever. Something I've always told myself about the things I've gone through is _hey, if it wasn't you it would have been some other poor kid. At least you can handle the things they say and the emptiness you feel._

There's a possibility that of I hadn't experienced what I have, someone else would have had my place. The universe wasn't forgiving. It could have been Pidge or Lance or Matt or someone. And I would never forgive myself for letting them go through the things I've gone through.

After a moment of suffocating in my blanket, I finally pulled my face out of the bed to reach for my phone. I felt giddy and nervous at the same time - and reaching for the phone felt like I was deciding to do something really huge that would change my life. What if I just block him and return to being an emotionless guy? Or just act really, _really_ rude and shut him out completely?

But I didn't want to do that.

And I hate it.

But I also _don't_ hate it.

It's really frustrating.

But it's also _not_ frustrating.

I sighed, rolling onto my back along with my exasperated breath of air. It doesn't feel like I'm breathing. My chest is tight and my throat is closing up with each breath I try to take. What time was it? I double-tapped the screen. My stomach twisted anxiously and I smiled excitedly when I read _**7:58**_ on the screen. Any second now.

I hummed, rolling onto my side so I could actually see my laptop. The small, screen circle next to Lance's icon (which was a very cute and very aesthetic picture of a cat that I didn't recognize from my many years of searching through cat pictures online) was already green, which meant he was already online. I gathered up any courage that I had left and selected his name.

* * *

 **[PM]**

 **Me** 7:58 pm

Hey.

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

!

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

omgomgomgomgomg

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

you messaged me early!

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

that! makes! me! really! happy!

* * *

I bit my lip as my smile grew and the nervous feeling in my stomach began to shrink. I don't know what I had been expecting - him to not show up or be weirded out that I was basically waiting? His excitement felt contagious; my foot was bouncing in anticipation and my cheeks were burning so red I could see it through my reflection on my phone screen that sat next to my laptop. I decided to not fight it for now.

* * *

 **Me** 7:58 pm

You're really sweet.

 **Me** 7:58 pm

I just thought I'd say hey before we start watching stuff.

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

!ahhh! you're a real angel kogayne

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

not gonna lie,, i was kinda worried you didnt wanna do this tonight

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

or any night

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

thought maybe i was being super pushy again lol

 **Me** 7:58 pm

I don't think you're super pushy?

 **Me** 7:58 pm

It's a nice change of pace.

 **space boi** 7:58 pm

what is?

 **Me** 7:59 pm

You

* * *

My face was even warmer now, if that was possible at this point. I mean, I hadn't been lying. He was an amazing change of pace compared to how I've felt recently. Blah, blah, I'm sad, blah, blah, I feel empty. The usual stuff. And I'll say this again; he makes me feel differently. And it's starting to really intrigue me. How does he do it? How can someone be so approachable and easy to talk to (and, dare I say, _almost_ flirt with)?

* * *

 **space boi** 7:59 pm

man you and i are gonna be pals

 **space boi** 7:59 pm

and not just like 'we talk sometimes' pals bc thatd be boring

 **space boi** 7:59 pm

nooo my friend

 **space boi** 7:59 pm

we gon' be bffs 33

 **Me** 7:59 pm

You'll have to fight Pidge for that title

 **space boi** 7:59 pm

pidge

 **space boi** 7:59 pm

i dont think i want to fight someone named pidge

 **space boi** 7:59 pm

it sounds both adorable and intimidating

 **Me** 7:59 pm

That about sums them up

 **Me** 7:59 pm

They're the friend that I was talking about yesterday

 **Me** 7:59 pm

Actually, you might want to call them Katie and use she/her

 **Me** 7:59 pm

They prefer that with strangers

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

sure thing!

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

enough about katie tho

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

(though i'd love to meet your second bff 33)

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

it's date tiiiime

* * *

Flushed cheeks. Very, very flushed cheeks. That's the only way to sum up how this night has been so far. I didn't mind, though. I was smiling a lot more than I was used to. And… I kind of wanted to get used to it. I shook my head, the stupid grin still decorating my lips.

* * *

 **Me** 8:00 pm

Oh, this is a date?

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

i mean

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

i'd like to think so

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

nothing like a date with a new friend over the internet right

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

it doesnt have to be a date-date obviously

 **Me** 8:00 pm

I don't mind calling it one, I guess.

 **Me** 8:00 pm

But I'm not really the best at like

 **Me** 8:00 pm

That kind of stuff.

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

i'll be the judge of that 33

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

now cmooon invite me to your room i feel like talking

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

sorry in advance for how much i'll talk your ear off haha

 _Invite sent!_

 **Me** 8:00 pm

I like your voice, though.

 **space boi** 8:00 pm

sNKGNFKHGFHNFGNSLW

* * *

I knew I was probably getting a bit too confident, but it was hard not to get that way the more I talked to him. He was friendly and really cute all embarrassed and I genuinely did like his voice and the idea of us calling this a date (even if it definitely wasn't one) and I basically just liked him in general. A lot.

I think I can admit to myself that I like him more than I should. Is it possible to like someone who you barely know? I mean, this is how things start, right? I didn't know anything about Pidge before we started talking. That's just how friendships start. Why would this be any different?

* * *

 _space boi has joined your room!_

 **space boi** 8:02 pm

sorry for the wait you reeeally caught me off guard

 **Me** 8:02 pm

I thought it was pretty obvious that you have a decent voice

 **space boi** 8:02 pm

knKNGNGDKHT SHUT UP

 **space boi** 8:02 pm

I sound like a cartoon character or somethin

 **Me** 8:02 pm

That's not necessarily a BAD thing

 **Me** 8:02 pm

At least you sound alive

 **space boi** 8:02 pm

I KNEW IT

 **space boi** 8:02 pm

you have an emo voice dont you

 **space boi** 8:02 pm

you seem pretty emo

 **Me** 8:02 pm

wow been awhile since someones assumed I was an emo kid

 **Me** 8:02 pm

I don't know if I'm emo. I just don't have a lot of energy in my voice like you.

 **space boi** 8:02 pm

well there's nothing wrong with that!

 **space boi** 8:02 pm

not everyone sounds like they just consumed ten lbs of sugar after downing a gallon of some monster drink and coffee fusion

 **Me** 8:02 pm

I.

 **Me** 8:03 pm

Thank you

 **Me** 8:03 pm

I'm not the most confident speaker, so that was pretty nice to hear

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

youre so cute you dont have to thank me!

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

you knooWW

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

you could use your mic too :D

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

that'd be cool

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

then i'd know youre not a creepy old guy

 **Me** 8:03 pm

That still a worry of yours?

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

hmmmm

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

nah

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

i trust you v.v

 **space boi** 8:03 pm

i just wanna hear your voice

 **Me** 8:03 pm

Oh

* * *

I get it. He's a naturally flirty and over-friendly person. Honestly, those aren't bad traits, as long as you're able to find someone who can tolerate that and not take it too seriously. We just met and he already trusts me. That also means he's a very trusting person. And, having once been a very trusting person myself, I know that that also means he's been hurt at least once. All that together proves that he is a very kind-hearted and strong person who I could probably learn a this or two from. I smiled at my phone once again, resting my cheek in my hand as I reread his suggestion a few times.

* * *

 **Me** 8:04 pm

I'll think about it.

 **space boi** 8:04 pm

yay!

 **space boi** 8:04 pm

no pressure though 33

 **space boi** 8:04 pm

now come onnn it's been almost

 **space boi** 8:05 pm

ah never mind its been five whole minutes

 **Me** 8:05 pm

Was there anything specific that you wanted to watch?

 **space boi** 8:05 pm

uhh do you like jacksepticeye?

 **Me** 8:05 pm

Who doesn't?

 **space boi** 8:05 pm

gosh i like you a lot

 **space boi** 8:05 pm

but like okay there's this game that was hecka popular online its called night in the woods and? all i know is that the main character is a cat and honestly im already sold

* * *

Reply, Keith. Stop staring at his message. Focus on the longer one that he obviously wanted you to focus on. Stop smiling at his message, what are you, twelve? Blushing at one comment he makes- well, actually, he makes a lot of comments like that, but still. He doesn't know you, Keith. And when he does, this is all going to go downhill. So just relax.

* * *

 **Me** 8:06 pm

It WAS popular?

 **Me** 8:06 pm

You're not even going to suggest something that's popular now?

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

i mean

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

it's still fairly popular?

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

dont make me feel dumb kogayne

 **Me** 8:06 pm

Oh

 **Me** 8:06 pm

I didn't mean to do that

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

nononoononnhgfhfghknv

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

dont feel bad i'm just messing around :(

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

i forgot you take things a bit more seriously than my other friends

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

which isnt a bad thing!

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

it's kinda cool

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

puts me outside my comfort zone

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

not that im uncomfortable

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

its just different than im used to

 **Me** 8:06 pm

Lance

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

but different in a good way!

 **space boi** 8:06 pm

yeah?

 **Me** 8:07 pm

You're fine.

 **space boi** 8:07 pm

:( i've just annoyed a looooot of people on this website and you seem genuinely cooler than all of them so

 **Me** 8:07 pm

I can promise you that I'm not cooler than them

 **Me** 8:07 pm

I should thank them, actually. Now I have great company every night at eight.

 **space boi** 8:07 pm

marry me kogayne

 **Me** 8:07 pm

You seem like a summer-wedding kind of guy, so I might have to pass.

 **space boi** 8:07 pm

a summer wedding would be the best? especially on the beach

 **Me** 8:07 pm

I'd want an autumn wedding in the woods.

 **space boi** 8:07 pm

we need to rethink our relationship this just isnt gonna work

 **Me** 8:07 pm

You'd break up with me over different wedding preferences?

 **space boi** 8:07 pm

dont test me boi

 **Me** 8:08 pm

I'll consider a summer wedding

 **Me** 8:08 pm

I haven't been to the beach in years

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

whoaaa really

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

the beach is like my second home

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

maybe i can take you sometime!

 **Me** 8:08 pm

Of course you will, it's our wedding destination

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

nkngkfnhkfhnkfg

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

well yeaah but like

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

gotta show you first right? get your approval

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

first in-person date can be at the place we'll get married

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

how romantic

 **Me** 8:08 pm

If I had my mic on, you'd hear me softly crying.

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

hahahahaahfdgndf

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

you're pretty funny keith

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

another trait i like in a person

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

might plan that wedding a bit early

 **Me** 8:08 pm

Summer just ended. You have to wait for at least a year.

 **Me** 8:08 pm

And at least ask me out on one date

 **space boi** 8:08 pm

i'm offended! these regularly scheduled meetings we have going on here ARE in fact dates!

 **Me** 8:08 pm

Whatever you say

 **space boi** 8:09 pm

you know what? i don't need thiS

 **space boi** 8:09 pm

just play the video i recommended so i can turn on my mic and ignore you

 **space boi** 8:09 pm

(spoiler alert: i wouldn't actually ignore you)

 **Me** 8:09 pm

I'm working on it

 **Me** 8:09 pm

(I would hope not. That'd be an awful date.)

* * *

I smiled at the random string of letters that he responded with, turning my attention over to the Rabbit screen so I could set up the video. Even from what little I knew of him, I knew he already reminded me a lot of jacksepticeye, which in turn made me only like the aforementioned Youtuber even more. I mean, they both have such likeable personalities that kind of rub off on you after a few minutes. But Lance didn't need to know any of that just yet.

I could already tell that Lance was a beautiful person. I don't just mean appearance-wise, though. I mean, I don't doubt that he's attractive, but I was thinking more of his personality and heart. He seems so genuinely invested in whatever conversation we've had (sure, that's only been like, four? but still) and never makes me feel like I've said something weird even if I most likely did. He's really good at talking to people, even if he claims he only chases them away. Who could turn down a bit of energy? I missed the feeling that he seems to radiate, and talking to him brought it all back. I kind of felt like a kid again.

Truth be told, I'm not sure if my sense of humor came back recently or if it's just been buried for awhile due to lack of necessary use. I joked around with Pidge and Shiro a lot, but it was never for too long and I usually backed out after a minute due to not really feeling it anymore. But I felt like making stupid jokes and trying to make him laugh, and it was nice. And the more I feel all of these things, the more I want to.

If only my head would shut up about it. How many times am I going to repeat the same thoughts? Just accept the fact you like him, Keith. Then you can stop all this repetitive inner monologue.

It didn't take me long to find the playlist of Night in The Woods, the thumbnail being a dark blue cat with an art style I actually liked a lot. I was never a fan of games with animal main characters, but I really wanted to watch something that he recommended. So, without voicing a single complaint, I started the video and turned my gaze back to the chat.

* * *

 **space boi** 8:11 pm

okay so i dont know anythign about this game?

 **space boi** 8:11 pm

anything

 **space boi** 8:11 pm

so im sorry if its crappy

 **Me** 8:11 pm

The art style is nice

 **space boi** 8:11 pm

yeaaah! i love art like this

 **space boi** 8:11 pm

i spent like all of highschool taking different art classes and electives

 **space boi** 8:11 pm

now my main focus is astrophysics and stuff

 **space boi** 8:11 pm

in case you havent noticed, i LOVE space

 **Me** 8:12 pm

When they find a legit way to send someone to space and land on a planet, let me know. I'll tag along.

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

you like space too!

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

wait

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

oh my gosh

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

a legit way

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

as in,, you dont believe in the moon landing

 **Me** 8:12 pm

Of course I don't

 **Me** 8:12 pm

I refuse to fall for that propaganda

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

oh my gosh i'm dating a conspiracy theorist i cannot believe

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

theres VIDEO EVIDENCE KEITH

 **Me** 8:12 pm

I could record a video of one of the cats here, edit out the noise and talk over it and tell everyone that my cat can talk

 **Me** 8:12 pm

Video evidence means nothing

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

it was LIVE

 **Me** 8:12 pm

So you think every single Facebook Live videos on Facebook are real?

 **space boi** 8:12 pm

well,, no

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

but nasa wouldnt lie to me /3

 **Me** 8:13 pm

Voltron is way better than NASA

 **Me** 8:13 pm

And, shockingly enough, they don't believe in the moon landing either

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

heeey my best friend is studying to get into voltron! neat

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

but egh i am Disgusted keith and here I thought we were going to get married and be together forever

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

its over, ketih

 **Me** 8:13 pm

Who's ketih

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

I THINK I LIKE YOU BETTER WHEN YOURE EMO

 **Me** 8:13 pm

(:

 **Me** 8:13 pm

Do you want to focus on this series or not? I already relate to Bea on a spiritual level

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

sucks for you lol im LITERALLY greg

 **Me** 8:13 pm

The most adorable character in the game (so far)?

 **Me** 8:13 pm

That's not a bad thing

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

nkNGkgkfnhKNHKNHGKH UGHHhHHH

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

youre the nicest person ever not even hunk would have praised me like that

 **space boi** 8:13 pm

well maybe thats a lie,,

 **Me** 8:13 pm

Oh, right, I meant to bring this back up

 **Me** 8:14 pm

Your friend Hunk is studying for Voltron?

 **space boi** 8:14 pm

yep! so proud of him :')

 **space boi** 8:14 pm

i'm thinking about it too actually but [shrug emoji]

 **space boi** 8:14 pm

havent decided yet

 **space boi** 8:14 pm

why?

 **Me** 8:14 pm

My brother works for Voltron. Him and his boyfriend. They're almost at Coran's level of importance or something.

 **Me** 8:14 pm

But that's the boyfriend's words and he is very dramatic so I could be wrong about their status.

 **Me** 8:14 pm

I do know that they work there, though. And my best friend Pidge is currently wasting their youth making sure they can get a spot

 **space boi** 8:14 pm

!

 **space boi** 8:14 pm

maybe we're not as far apart as i had feared

 **space boi** 8:14 pm

way too early to share locations though lol

 **space boi** 8:14 pm

not that i dont trust you!

 **space boi** 8:15 pm

i just,, i dunno

 **Me** 8:15 pm

I understand

 **Me** 8:15 pm

Don't worry about it

* * *

I was toying with the idea of telling him I don't exactly have a home address to give out. I mean, there's a chance he'd treat me way differently if he knew where I was and what was going on with me mentally, but I also didn't like the idea of not telling him. Especially if we were going to keep hanging out. The fact he was also relatively close to Voltron (you have to be within the state of Michigan to register) made the thought of friendship seem more realistic.

I wonder if he even knew about Allura's. Did he think it as just some excuse for 'mentally ill' people to mooch off of government funds like half of the adults around here? I couldn't imagine him ever saying mentally ill let alone putting someone down for it. I bit my lip, staring blankly at the video that was playing. It was funny, and I liked the characters a lot already, but I've always had trouble focusing when all these thoughts started swarming in my head.

And, as if he knew I was stressed, I saw another message from him pop up.

* * *

 **space boi** 8:18 pm

should i turn my mic on now

 **space boi** 8:18 pm

are you gonna turn yours on?

 **Me** 8:18 pm

Um

 **space boi** 8:18 pm

you don't have to!

 **Me** 8:18 pm

No, I can. I just don't think I'll be talking. Is that okay?

 **space boi** 8:18 pm

totally!

* * *

I heard a small shuffle, followed by slight static. The white noise that would play through my speaker whenever he was silent and his mic was on was really comforting. It made the room feel a lot less dark and lonely. And his voice only amplified that feeling by a thousand. I smiled at my screen, gingerly pressing my own mic button, making sure that I remained silent.

* * *

" _If I listen closely I might be able to hear your breathing."_

 **Me** 8:19 pm

Kind of creepy

" _I'm hoping that's just some of your dry humor again-"_

 **Me** 8:19 pm

It is, don't worry

" _-okay, good. I don't wanna seem like a creep. It's just- I dunno. I don't wanna talk too much when you're silent. I'm sure it's gotta get annoying."_

 **Me** 8:19 pm

I don't think it's annoying.

" _I like hearing you type. I can't decide if you're a fast or slow typer. Kind of in the middle?"_

 **Me** 8:19 pm

Oh

 **Me** 8:19 pm

Yeah, probably somewhere in the middle.

 **Me** 8:19 pm

I'm a lot faster on my phone

" _Man, it's the opposite for me. I make so many typos when I'm on my phone. You're lucky I was careful during class earlier. I reread my messages and everything."_

 **Me** 8:20 pm

Why?

" _I guess I just like the idea of impressing you."_

* * *

Not even the most intense meme could explain how much I want to yell right now. Just keep typing, Keith.

* * *

 **Me** 8:20 pm

You're doing a pretty good job already. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

" _I would be really embarrassed right now but I swear I heard a sharp gasp or something- was that you? Did I do that?"_

 **Me** 8:20 pm

I don't know what you're talking about.

 **Me** 8:21 pm

Don't we have a video to watch?

" _It WAS you! Oh my gosh, that was so cute? You're so cute ugh. How did I get so blessed look at me I have the cutest future-husband ever."_

 **Me** 8:21 pm

I think you may have some competition

 **Me** 8:21 pm

Obviously I have the cutest future-husband ever.

* * *

That felt really out-of-character and strange to type out, but hearing his loud squeak and the sound of fumbling and things dropping was well worth the feeling. I wasn't wrong. I didn't even know what he looked like and I could already tell he was adorable. Especially comparing the two of us. He's a literal angel.

A star.

This is the feeling I've been wanting to link my star too, isn't it? I wouldn't dare start calling him that any time soon, because he only used angel ironically, but it was still repeating in my head a lot. He could very well be the star that I've been waiting for.

Or I'm just tired and building all of this up out of exhaustion. Either way, I guess.

* * *

" _Barely twenty minutes into our second date- or third, if you count the first time we met- and my ears are already burning in embarrassment. Or flusteredness. Is that a word? It should be."_

 **Me** 8:23 pm

You blush all the way to your ears?

" _Not important."_

 **Me** 8:23 pm

That's extremely important

 **Me** 8:23 pm

This is such important information wow

" _Shut up-! I don't need this! I can turn my mic off right now. Act like I never told you about my one flaw. No one will ever believe you."_

 **Me** 8:23 pm

First of all, it's not a flaw. It's adorable.

 **Me** 8:23 pm

Second

 **Me** 8:23 pm

I'm sure I can think of comments that'll make your ears turn red around others. They'll easily believe me.

" _My boyfriend is so mean to me. I can't believe this. How many times do I need to break up with you today, Keith- wait did I just hear you gasp? What happened?"_

* * *

How do I explain that hearing him say my name for the first time made my breath catch in my throat? He said it really softly and carefully, even though the rest of his sentence was in a more playful and energetic tone. Was that on purpose or did time just kind of slow down for me when he did that like in the cliche movies? I hope he did it on purpose. I sucked my lips in, biting on them as my face flushed in embarrassment.

* * *

 **Me** 8:25 pm

Nothing happened

 **Me** 8:25 pm

I'm good

" _I thought I heard you gasp. Are you sure you're okay?"_

 **Me** 8:25 pm

Ughhh

" _Oh shoot I'm sorry-"_

 **Me** 8:25 pm

Nonongofgtk

* * *

I rarely send strings of letters, but I felt obligated to before he continued to apologize and feel bad for worrying. It was either have him think I was annoyed or let him know the way he said my name gave me butterflies.

Great.

* * *

 **Me** 8:25 pm

It's just

 **Me** 8:25 pm

Okay. Don't like… Laugh

 **Me** 8:26 pm

I just liked the way you said my name

 **Me** 8:26 pm

A lot

 **Me** 8:26 pm

And it kind of caught me off guard.

 **Me** 8:26 pm

That's all.

" _Oh."_

* * *

My stomach twisted in despair and I could feel my heart pounding in my ears (is _this_ anxiety?). Was that weird to say? I couldn't hear him say anything. In fact, the static from his mic was gone. So he had turned it off? Great. I managed to make him so uncomfortable that he turned him mic off. That was exactly why I tried to brush it off. I'm a great people person.

* * *

 **Me** 8:28 pm

Did that weird you out?

 **Me** 8:28 pm

I had a feeling it would be weird. I just didn't want you to feel bad.

* * *

The static noise returned after a minute of me staring at the screen, desperately hoping he'd start typing or talking or something. The return of the noise was more than welcome. In fact, it made my heartbeat return to a normal pace and I released my lips before they started bleeding from chewing on them.

* * *

" _It wasn't weird at all! It was just… It was something. It wasn't bad. I'm really reeeally sorry for making you feel bad about it! It definitely wasn't a negative thing at all. It was cute. Really cute."_

 **Me** 8:29 pm

Are you sure?

" _I'm… I'm positive. Hey, you should say hi on the mic. Just real quick."_

 **Me** 8:29 pm

Oh

 **Me** 8:29 pm

I mean, I guess it's only fair?

" _It's not like a demand or anything. I just thought I'd ask again!"_

 **Me** 8:29 pm

I didn't take it in a demanding way. It really is only fair.

 **Me** 8:29 pm

Just give me a sec

" _Yeah, yeah, of course."_

* * *

His voice, while still sounding incredibly sweet and supportive, also rung with a bit of nervousness? I couldn't pin down the tone exactly, but nervous was the first word that came to mind. Maybe he was nervous I was actually some old man flirting with him a few days after we met. I guess that would make me nervous.

I stared down at the small, built-in mic that at the top of my laptop screen. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I don't have a horrible voice. I just don't have energy or excitement like he obviously does. But that's okay. He said himself that that was okay.

I took a small breath, trying to keep it as quiet as possible. Just say hello. That's it. You're not going to find a way to screw that up. Find some confidence for once. Just say it.

* * *

"Uh- ...Hey, Lance."

" _Oh no."_

"What?"

" _Um- nothing, sorry. It just slipped out. So, uh, hi."_

"...Hi."

" _You don't sound like some stalker, so that's good."_

"That's very good."

" _You don't sound super emo, either."_

"No?"

" _...Nah. Kind of tired, but not emo. Are you tired?"_

"I'm always tired honestly."

" _Right. Right. Um. You- you don't have to keep it on, you know. I don't know if it's like- within your comfort level.."_

"That… Means a lot, actually. Thank you."

" _Sure, dude, no problem. It was cool to hear your voice and stuff. Glad to know you aren't a murderer."_

"Haha, nope, just a teenage guy."

" _I'm glad."_

"About… The murderer thing? You must have been pretty worried about it to bring it up twice."

" _No, no, just… I'm just glad you're a teenager and stuff. I dunno. Go ahead and turn your mic off or whatever Kogayne."_

 **Me** 8:36 pm

You're literally saying that outloud and I could still see that you pronounced it with the "gay"

" _Hey, us LGBT+ folk have to stick together. Or is the Kogayne thing just a joke?"_

 **Me** 8:36 pm

No, I'm gay.

" _Hi g-"_

 **Me** 8:36 pm

Finish that joke and I'm leaving.

" _Fair enough."_

 **Me** 8:36 pm

So you brought up being teenagers again, which makes me want to ask

 **Me** 8:36 pm

How old are you exactly? You're not like, fourteen or something are you?

" _Oh no, do I sound fourteen?"_

 **Me** 8:37 pm

Not at all

 **Me** 8:37 pm

I just wanted to make sure.

" _Okay, good. That would be one of the most embarrassing things ever. Not that there's anything wrong with fourteen year olds, obviously, but I'm seventeen and I finally grew out of my puberty voice."_

 **Me** 8:37 pm

That's adorable. I never even had a puberty voice.

 **Me** 8:37 pm

And I'm eighteen.

" _Ooooh an older guy~ nice. I mean, not nice that you didn't have to deal with puberty- what the heck, man? Are you even human? Look, if you're actually an angel you can tell me. I won't tell Hunk or Katie or anyone else either of us know."_

 **Me** 8:38 pm

Okay. We could dance our little dance of avoiding nicknames and throwing compliments at each other, or we can keep watching the video before any plot-twisting even happens and we miss it.

" _I like both options equally."_

 **Me** 8:38 pm

I can't say I'm opposed to either one.

" _Then we'll just combine them."_

 **Me** 8:38 pm

Sounds fine to me

" _Hope you're comfy my angel. Tomorrow's Saturday so I can stay up as late as I want. Meaning we're gonna be hanging out until one of us passes out."_

 **Me** 8:38 pm

That also sounds fine to me

" _Also, I'm glad you kept your mic on. I still like hearing you type."_

 **Me** 8:38 pm

Ah

 **Me** 8:39 pm

Thank you? I don't know if that was something I should thank you for but

 **Me** 8:39 pm

I really appreciate you letting me type instead

 **Me** 8:39 pm

I'm not the most comfortable with talking so it meant a lot

" _It's no problem at all, dude. And- uh- before we switch over to watching the video for a bit- I'd just like to inform you that I really like your voice and the way you say my name, too. So… That feeling is pretty mutual."_

* * *

This time, I managed to cover my mouth before an audible gasp left my lips. It wasn't even a gasp- it was almost a _giggle_ , and that alone would have killed me in embarrassment. And if it killed me, that means no more conversations like this. Which I wouldn't like. I already made sure I kept myself alive for Shiro and Pidge (Matt's pretty cool too), but this felt completely different. Like it was an unspoken promise that I'd take care of myself.

It was nice.

* * *

 **Me** 8:41 pm

That's really cute.

" _You're just using that word more and more freely, aren't you? I just- I like it. I'm glad. It's… A nice word."_

 **Me** 8:41 pm

A nice word used for a nice person.

" _Freakin' forget the video let's just elope right now."_

 **Me** 8:41 pm

I'm invested in this game now, Lance. It's too late for that

" _I missed my chance."_

 **Me** 8:41 pm

We'll see.

" _Another challenge, huh? Good. I like challenges."_

 **Me** 8:42 pm

Good.

" _Good."_

 **Me** 8:42 pm

Now shh

 **Me** 8:42 pm

We have a video to watch

* * *

And that's what we did. We continued to watch Night In The Woods, and I'd quietly laugh at the stupid jokes the game or Lance would make. He'd hear my laugh and make some really flustered and cute comment about it, and I'd shush him and retaliate with a comment about how cute his voice was in return. It continued to go in a circle like that; jokes, laughing, flirting, talking. A lot of getting-to-know-you talk.

I learned that he has a huge family of eight (how? how is he still alive?) and had an obsession with space and constellations. I told him about my own interest in the stars (save for my dream of finding my own star) and then talked a bit about what I studied in school. I decided to not bring up Allura's just yet. But it wasn't because I was nervous about it. It just didn't feel like a part of me when we talked about our dreams and wishes. I had almost forgotten where I was or why I was here.

I just felt like a teenage guy hanging out in his room, talking to a close friend about the things I want for my future. I was talking as if I actually had a worthwhile future for the first time in years. Lance wasn't rude. He wasn't impatient or intimidating or annoying. He didn't prove to me that the world was a blank and dark place like I had both feared and hoped he would. He was bright, and funny, and extremely easy and fun to talk to. He genuinely wanted to know about me and wanted to share things about him. He was everything I have ever wanted to be and everything I've wanted to find.

And putting him on such a high pedestal was scary. Because what if he tried to jump off? What if he realized he deserved so much better? It was hard to imagine him doing that, but anything could happen.

Instead of turning off my laptop and pushing him away before I could get hurt, though, I just continued to listen to his rambling and his shaky voice attempt to mimic the characters. I was smiling at my screen, barely typing anything, with my cheek smushed up against my arm. Regardless of the many ways this could end, I was enjoying how it was going now. And if it meant staying in this playful-flirting zone for our entire friendship (even though it's only been like three days), I guess I can live with that.

* * *

 **!NIGHT IN THE WOODS IS AN AMAZING GAME AND I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT especially the gameplay by jacksepticeye! my boy  
wow that was a long chapter (for me). it just took off and i didn't want to end abruptly so.. there you go. i said before that i'm not the best at scheduled updates, especially with homework keeping me suuuper busy, but i do have a pretty decent idea about where i'm going with this, so if i can convince myself to actually be productive each week the chapters shouldn't take too long. but anyways there you go. they act how me and my girlfriend did like not too long before we started dating and i love it**


	6. while you were away

"And how about your meals, hm? Would you say you've been eating enough?" Allura sat across from me, one leg folded over the other. A clipboard sat in one arm and a glitter pen twirled between her fingers of the other hand. She was staring at me intently, as though she could read my answer in my expression. We've done this long enough to know that she couldn't, but that never seemed to stop her.

Once a month, Allura did these check-ins to make sure each patient was doing okay and to see how far they've come since the last appointment. I had to go to the right side of the building, past the cafeteria, where her main office is. The room was a lot brighter than the rest of the building, probably because it's her own space. Lots of pink and purple decor with a sort of hippie, space vibe. As annoying as it was to admit, she was a pretty cool person.

But that didn't make these meetings any less annoying.

After a moment of staring at each other, I let out an irritated sigh. "Probably not. But I've been eating _more,_ if that means anything."

She beamed, clicking the top of her pen. She continued to scribble something on the paper in front of her, mouthing along words that I didn't understand. Some of the kids here claimed she and her financial advisor made up their own language (I think they called it Altean, a horrible play on her last name, Altea) so that way we couldn't forge notes from Allura or sneak peeks at other patient reports.

I think they just struggle reading cursive.

"That's fantastic news, Keith! Granted, I do wish you were eating a healthy amount of meals, but there must be a significant improvement if you're bringing it up to me!" She leaned over the desk that separated us, placing her hand on my shoulder. She was still beaming at me, and even thought I wasn't interested in her in the slightest, I had to glance away with a flushed face.

Allura was undeniably beautiful, I couldn't deny that. She was one of the few people I've met who effortlessly pulled off white hair - it literally cascaded down her back like a waterfall. She's told me that when she doesn't spend two hours styling it, it's more of an afro-texture. I don't see why she'd want to style it and avoid that, because it sounds really nice, but whatever. To each their own.

She had chocolate-colored skin and bright blue eyes that portrayed her emotions perfectly; right now, they're the color of the sky. When I tried to sneak out after a month of being here, they were navy blue. She didn't seem to notice this, though, so I silently used it to my advantage. One of the perks of being able to read people; you get away with a lot because you can prepare for the worst.

Aside from her feminine facial features, she had the body of a professional swimmer for sure. I'm pretty sure she had been a swimmer for the high-school around here a few years back, and ti still showed in her physique. She's very toned. To the point I'm terrified to anger her, even if she would never lay a hand on me. She wasn't nearly as buff as Shiro, but she was inching closer and closer. How does she even find the time to work out with all of the work she has going on here? Maybe she should be admitted as a patient for sleep deprivation or something.

"I've noticed you've begun to change your clothes more often as well," she spoke slowly, peering through the writing on her paper as she continued on. "Not that that was a major issue with you, but they're actual outfits this time and not the same pair of pajama pants with those quiznakking slippers." She liked to use replacement curse words a lot. Quiznak was her favorite. It was a favorite in this building, actually.

I wasn't the type of sad where I never changed or showered, thankfully, but I did have an issue with dressing in 'real-life' clothes. Pajamas were a norm for me. I wore pajamas to school for most of my time there and never really thought twice about it. But I've started to find old pairs of jeans or leggings that were actually pretty comfy.

It'd be a lie to say a conversation I had with Lance didn't inspire it.

* * *

 _ **space boi**_ _8:43 pm_

 _ughhhh i have no clean clothes this is driving me iNSANE my sister is hogging the washing machine so gUESS WHO HAS TO STAY UP UNTIL SHES DONEEE_

 _ **Me**_ _8:43 pm_

 _Just wear your pajamas_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:43 pm_

 _well yeah i have those on now but i meant for school tomorrow_

 _ **Me**_ _8:43 pm_

 _So did I?_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:43 pm_

 _wh,,,what,,_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:43 pm_

 _wear pajamas to school?_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:43 pm_

 _boi do you WANT to ruin my image?_

 _ **Me**_ _8:43 pm_

 _Your image?_

 _ **Me**_ _8:43 pm_

 _I used to wear pajamas to school all of the time._

 _ **Me**_ _8:43 pm_

 _I still wear pajamas all of the time._

 _ **space boi**_ _8:43 pm_

 _you mean i've been imagining you as a cutie who wore skinny jeans and tanktops for nothing?_

 _ **Me**_ _8:43 pm_

 _nknfdgkfnhkfghg?_

 _ **Me**_ _8:43 pm_

 _I own skinny jeans and tank-tops_

 _ **Me**_ _8:43 pm_

 _I own a lot of clothes, actually._

 _ **Me**_ _8:44 pm_

 _I just don't wear all of the nice clothes often_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:44 pm_

 _why not i bet you look amazing in them_

 _ **Me**_ _8:44 pm_

 _uuuughhgnfkhfg_

 _ **Me**_ _8:44 pm_

 _And no, before you apologize, you didn't do anything wrong_

 _ **Me**_ _8:44 pm_

 _You're just unbelievably sweet._

 _ **space boi**_ _8:44 pm_

 _AhhHH!NKDNGDKFGNKH_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:44 pm_

 _its not my fault okay you deserve to dress beautifully_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:44 pm_

 _sometimes dressing in a new outfit can really boost ur mood you know? like a lot_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:44 pm_

 _when i'm sad i love putting on leggings and a crop top_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:44 pm_

 _then i can just walk through the streets of my hometown and feel like a totally different person_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:45 pm_

 _there are a few days i'll even put on a skirt_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:45 pm_

 _but people here arent super fond of the image of a guy in feminine clothing so_

 _ **Me**_ _8:45 pm_

 _I'd like to see the image_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:45 pm_

 _AHhhHHHhhHhhhhhhhh_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:45 pm_

 _i'd like for you to see it_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:45 pm_

 _maybe i'll dress up nice when i see you in person one day_

 _ **Me**_ _8:46 pm_

 _You still believe we'll meet one day?_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:46 pm_

 _we've been talking for about a month now_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:46 pm_

 _and i dont plan on stopping anytime soon_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:46 pm_

 _so yeah id like to meet you one day_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:46 pm_

 _if thats okay_

 _ **Me**_ _8:46 pm_

 _That's more than okay_

 _ **Me**_ _8:46 pm_

 _Great. Now I have to start dressing in actual clothes_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:46 pm_

 _dude if youre more comfortable in your pajamas its cool_

 _ **Me**_ _8:46 pm_

 _I like the idea of impressing you with my surprising amount of feminine clothing_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:46 pm_

 _!_

 _ **space boi**_ _8:46 pm_

 _honestly you could wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants and id swoon_

 _ **Me**_ _8:47 pm_

 _I'll keep that in mind._

* * *

Since that day, I've been wearing different outfits. Somedays, I wore leggings and tank-tops. Other days I wore skinny jeans and giant shirts. And some days I decided to stay in my pajamas. But it wasn't out of a lack of self-care like it had been before. I just liked pajamas.

That conversation had been about a month ago. That means Lance and I have been talking for two months now. Sometimes it felt like a lot longer than that. Sometimes it felt like we met only yesterday, as cheesy as that sounds.

Within the past few months, I've learned a lot about him. I learned that he has a total of eleven family members living with him, and as the oldest boy, he gets his own room when he goes to visit home. Though it's only a matter of time before his younger brother Luis ends up moving in with him. I learned that the very few relationships he's been in hadn't ended very well. I learned that he met Hunk during his first year of high-school and they'd be inseparable since. I learned that his favorite color was blue and he was captivated by the ocean. I learned that he purposely speaks his high-school Spanish just to annoy his siblings when they're fighting. I learned that he shuts down when he's upset, even though he doesn't really want to. I learned that he shuts down when others are upset, even though he really, _really_ doesn't want to.

The things he would tell me were flaws I only saw as treasures. The things he told me he hated about himself were the things I found the most endearing. I liked the fact that he wasn't a perfect person. I liked that he ticked his siblings off as much as he could until he got the last word. I liked that he was outspoken and got into heated debates with people online about politics and equality, despite saying a few things that were a bit over-the-top and kind of mean. I liked that he once got detention for punching a guy in the jaw after he heard him intentionally misgender someone multiple times.

I liked _him._ A lot. I still wasn't sure what he looked like, or what his mannerisms were, or where he was from, or who he was as a child, but I liked what I knew. I liked him more than I've ever liked anything, and it was a strange feeling. I feel like I'm going home every time the clock strikes eight.

"Keith."

I jumped, my eyes darting over to the confused expression of Allura. I trailed off again, didn't I? It was one thing to do it when I was alone. Doing it when I'm supposed to be in a conversation with someone? Awful. She gave me a knowing smile, even though she had no idea what was going through my head. I didn't expect her, though. That wouldn't be fair for her. She simply offered me a sympathetic smile. I did my best to return it at least half-heartedly return it.

"Sorry- what was that?"

"You now you don't have to apologize, Keith," she shook her head, reaching over the desk to squeeze my wrist. "I was just going to ask about how your social life has-"

"Fine. Next question."

"Keith-"

"It's been _fine_." I answered, glancing away from her as an annoying blush crept up my face. I really didn't want her to know about Lance - not yet, anyway. Not until I was positive he was going to stick around. A part of me still feared he'd disappear once I told him about my issues. Once he knew I wasn't okay. A bigger part of me knew that he would never do that, but that's never the part I choose to listen to. That'd be easier, but I still struggled to focus on it nonetheless.

Her quiet sigh broke me from my train of thought, her hand slowly retreating off of my wrist and back onto the desk. "Can I at least ask how your friend Katie is doing? It's been quite awhile since she has stopped by to visit."

I blinked, snapping my attention back to Allura almost immediately. "Oh-... I…" I trailed off, biting my lip as I searched my mind for an answer. When was the last time I had even spoken to Pidge? They've been so busy with schoolwork and I've been unnaturally reclusive and terrified of starting conversations first- but I hadn't realized that we haven't spoken for almost two months. That wasn't natural for us - we usually talk every single day and let each other know how we're doing. But they got busy and I, being the awful friend I am, spaced them out completely. During a time they could possibly need me,

My stomach began to twist in guilt as Allura patiently waited for me to continue. "We- I don't know how they're doing. It's been awhile."

She frowned, worry visible in her bright blue eyes. Ugh, I always seemed to make people worry. Before I could attempt to fix the situation, she cleared her throat. "Maybe it's time you invite her over? I'm positive that Katie would be absolutely thrilled to see you."

Allura and Pidge had only met a couple of times - hence why Allura still uses she/her pronouns for Pidge - but they got along decently. I know Pidge has rambled to me for hours about how unfair it is that I got to live in the same house as Allura because she's so beautiful. But I can't imagine Allura knows what Pidge is thinking right now. I definitely have no idea.

Still, I replied with a small nod, hoping it would be enough to reassure her. Whether she trusted me or not, she seemed pleased with my response. "Excellent. There isn't much more to discuss- but I would like to go over one thing."

I did my best to pay attention to her as she shuffled her papers across her desk, pointing to charts and graphs with color codes that meant nothing to me (even though they were most likely about me), but my mind was still stuck on the growing guilt in the back of my mind for Pidge. All throughout my life, they'd been right there encouraging me and taking care of me. Sure, we've both been equally distant, but they're overwhelmed with work. It wouldn't have been hard for me to shoot them a quick, positive message. Or maybe it would have, and that just further proves what a terrible friend and human being I am.

 _You're terrible, Keith. You don't deserve Pidge. You don't deserve Allura, or Lance, or Shiro, or Matt- they all care about you so much. And all you do is ridicule them in your head._

I don't want to think anything negative about them _ever._ I sunk into my chair a bit, forcing myself to look at Allura when she sent another tired gaze in my direction. _You're such a screw up, Keith. You really think Pidge wants your negativity back in their life? Heck, they've probably been over-the-moon now that they don't have to check up on you like some babysitter. Keep hiding away, Keith. Make their life easier. Just. .ear._

"Keith- Keith-!" Allura's voice suddenly pierced through my ears, her tone unusually. I looked back up at her, wincing at the hands she was currently pointing to. My nails were digging into my skin to the point my knuckles were white and my palms were red from pressure and blood. I snapped them onto my lap hastily. Now's not the time for these thoughts. _As if you can avoid them._

"Sorry, 'llura." I mumbled, faking a yawn. "I'm just tired. Kind of spacing out today."

I knew she didn't completely believe me, but after staring at my hands for a second longer, she decided to drop it and relax in her seat once again. "I suppose you didn't hear what I went over, then?"

I shook my head.

"That's okay, I'll go over it one more time. Things have been improving significantly over the past few months, and if it keeps up, I really think I'll be able to give you an exit sheet."

I felt my eyebrows bounce up in shock. An exit sheet is a daily exit-ticket that you can use whenever you want during your time here. It's the middle ground between being able to leave freely and being confined to never leaving; as long as you turn it into the front desk before you go, you're free to leave for the day. "Seriously?"

She smiled a bit at that. "I think so. It depends on how your behavior continues to be over the next few weeks - possibly months - but I think you're ready." She leaned a bit closer, her radiantly-white hair spilling onto the desk. "Do you?"

 _You're never going to be ready for this. You'll never be as mentally safe as the people around you. You're always going to want to jump onto the train-tracks. You're always going to carelessly walk through incoming traffic without caring of the outcome. You're never going to be normal. This place is all you have._

I swallowed, my aching hand shaking at the thoughts swarming through my head. I could never tell which ones were true and which ones weren't, but the more they repeated, the more I believed them. I wanted this, though. I wanted to be able to walk outside without having some stranger follow me. I wanted to be able to visit Pidge and Shiro and even Lance. So I pushed the thoughts aside for the time being and nodded weakly. "Yeah. I do."

Her small smile turned into a bright beam as she retreated back to her regular sitting position. "I'll of course have to go over it with Shiro, since he's signed as your preferred guardian. Though I'm sure he'll be ecstatic."

I scoffed in agreement, though I wasn't entirely sure if she was right. Of course he wanted me to get out of here more often - but I doubt he trusts me to do so. Not until the doctors tell me I'm normal and sane again or whatever it is they try to insist you aren't when you're unhappy. I continued to show approval of the idea, nodding quickly to cover up my scoff. "He will. Hopefully it all works out."

"I'm sure it will." Her tone was ringing with a soft genuinity that I wasn't used to - like how a mother should sound after confiding to her. It was nice, so I smiled just enough for her to notice. Her face almost immediately brightened, much to my relief.

"I think that's about it for you today, Keith. Don't hesitate to call me if you need anything, okay? I'm always here to listen."

I knew that's something she had to say to every patient, but I knew the gesture was genuine. I responded with a curt nod, the both of us acutely aware that I wasn't the best at going to people for anything and that he offer would most likely never be used. It was still nice, though.

After ensuring that she was now set on focusing on her papers, I slowly pushed myself out of my chair, flinching at the sudden pressure on my wounded palms. I couldn't help but think Allura was wrong - if I can't even control my own thoughts, what good would I be in the real world? Would I last a day? I don't even know my way around this town anymore. She didn't need to know about these doubts, though. Not yet. Not when there's a chance I can get better.

Other things began to plague my mind as I pushed through the large, handleless doors. Pidge. I was still being consumed by guilt at how badly I had blatantly ignored them. They deserved a lot better than that - than me. But that didn't stop me from pulling out my phone and mindlessly opening Rabbit. My heart skipped a beat in excitement at the green circle by their name.

* * *

 **Me** 11:47 am

Pidge. Hey.

 **pidgeon** 11:50 am

oh whoa

 **pidgeon** 11:50 am

keith! hey!

 **pidgeon** 11:52 am

whats up? everythign okay

 **Me** 11:53 am

Are you busy today?

 **pidgeon** 11:55 am

for once, no

 **pidgeon** 11:55 am

after classes i should be good,, i have a few things to work on but theyll take like .5 seconds so

 **pidgeon** 11:55 am

why?

 **Me** 11:56 am

Why don't you come by?

 **pidgeon** 11:56 am

really?

 **Me** 11:57 am

Sorry, you don't have to if you don't want to.

 **pidgeon** 11:59 am

it wasnt a bad really you emo little punk

 **pidgeon** 12:00 pm

i'll be there at like four

 **pidgeon** 12:01 pm

with wendy's

 **Me** 12:02 pm

I want a frosty

 **pidgeon** 12:02 pm

freeloader

* * *

The rest of the day had gone by fairly quick. Pidge and I messaged between her classes and Lance and I messaged _during_ his classes. I'd pretty much given up on begging him to focus - he seemed to soak up all of the things he overheard like a sponge, regardless if he gave the teacher the attention. He was spacey, but I discovered he's incredibly smart, too.

I also found that I did want to tell him about who I am. For years, this is who I've been. The depressed kid. I feel like I'm lying to him about my personality and myself in general - and he'd only be disappointed if we were to ever… Get closer.

That was a strange thought.

I liked the idea of getting closer to him. A different kind of relationship than what I have with Pidge. I love being Pidge's best friend more than anything in the world, but I didn't want that relationship with Lance. I hated admitting that I would be over-the-moon if he ever hinted at something more, but denying it wasn't working anymore. Our fake flirting and all of the nicknames were getting out of hand - I couldn't even tell when we were joking. Had I ever been joking? Because a part of me meant every compliment I've said to him from the beginning.

The idea of being closer to him filled me with a dozen emotions that I hadn't felt in years. I felt giddy and excited while simultaneously twisting in nervousness and a childish, school-child embarrassment. He made me feel like I was a little kid again. Back before the words of my later foster parents tainted my head. Before I came out as gay and felt the hatred of every single student (save for Pidge) burn into the back of my head as I went through my regular classes. There was always something for me to be ashamed of - and I wanted him to know that. I didn't want him thinking I was okay all of the time. I didn't want him to think of me differently than I actually am.

Yet, I fearfully stared at my laptop, my fingers stuck on the keyboard as thought I couldn't move them. What if he thought differently of me? I know I said that's what I want, but the idea of someone thinking I'm _happy_ and _full of life_ was incredibly… Different. Nice, I guess. It felt foreign. Even the people I don't know here know that something must be wrong. The kids at my college know I'm not okay. My family knows I'm not okay. The only person I personally know who isn't under the impression that I'm going to end my life tomorrow is Lance. Would he pity me? Ridicule me? Brush it off? I don't want _any_ if those things (though his pity sounded kind of comforting). I wanted to be someone he deserved to be around.

I licked my lips, cringing at the slight sing from the sudden moisture. I can do this. Just a message. I've messaged him tons of times, pretend it's no different. Start if off slow- oh, he messaged first.

* * *

 **[PM]**

 **space boi** 3:40 pm

keeeith! 3

 **space boi** 3:40 pm

im FINALLY chillin in my dorm uuugh im tired :(

 **space boi** 3:40 pm

cradle me my angel

 **Me** 3:41 pm

Cradle you?

 **space boi** 3:41 pm

yes :((

 **space boi** 3:41 pm

i want affection

 **space boi** 3:41 pm

ohh but you dont LIKE affection right? i feel like youve told me that before

 **space boi** 3:41 pm

my bad never mind

 **Me** 3:41 pm

I don't think I'd mind it this time

 **space boi** 3:41 pm

:0 oh really?

 **Me** 3:41 pm

Yeah

 **Me** 3:41 pm

You deserve to be cradled

 **space boi** 3:42 pm

;-; thats the nicest thing anyones ever said to me what the heck man

 **space boi** 3:42 pm

id only accept cradles from you :D

 **Me** 3:42 pm

I would hope so. I'd have to fight anyone else.

 **space boi** 3:42 pm

gasp! my angel is so protective 3

 **Me** 3:42 pm

You deserve someone great

 **Me** 3:42 pm

Not that that's necessarily me, but

 **space boi** 3:42 pm

?

 **space boi** 3:42 pm

youre one of my favorite people ever kogayne

 **space boi** 3:43 pm

dont tear yourself down like that :(

 **Me** 3:43 pm

Am I?

 **space boi** 3:43 pm

are? you kidding? keith. buddy. amigo.

 **space boi** 3:43 pm

dude youre one of the best guys ive ever met! (total homo) i love you so shut up

* * *

I was well aware that people say "I love you" in friendly or platonic relationships, which is very cool for them. But for _me,_ someone who never had the chance to hear that from family members until I was about sixteen, it meant a lot. Probably a bit too much. My heart was racing and my face felt like it was on _fire._ But I couldn't just tell him that - it's only been two months. There's no way I could tell him the idea of him loving (or even liking) me made me ecstatic.

* * *

 **Me** 3:43 pm

I could say the same to you. All you've ever done is make me feel happy

 **space boi** 3:43 pm

hhhhhfsngnkgf this is gettin pretty GAY dude,

 **space boi** 3:43 pm

my face is really redndkgnfdg

 **space boi** 3:43 pm

SO ANy plans for today?

 **Me** 3:45 pm

You're lucky I am busy, Lance. Or else I woudn't let the subject change slide.

 **Me** 3:45 pm

Pidge is coming by. They've been pretty busy so we haven't had the chance to hang out in awhile

 **space boi** 3:45 pm

whoa! rad! tell this sneaky pidgeon i said hello

 **space boi** 3:45 pm

oh shoot

 **space boi** 3:45 pm

shootshootshohtodtknfkhnf

 **space boi** 3:45 pm

tell KATIE i say hi

 **space boi** 3:45 pm

im os sorry totally spaced it out and

 **Me** 3:46 pm

Whoa hey

 **Me** 3:46 pm

I mean, I can't speak personaly for Pidge, but I'm sure they'd be fine with a small mistake. You even corrected it.

 **space boi** 3:46 pm

i hatehatehatehate accidentally misgendering people or getting their preferences mixed up its such a tool move

 **Me** 3:46 pm

Not when you didn't mean it.

 **space boi** 3:46 pm

no? :(

 **Me** 3:47 pm

Not at all. Plus, you corrected yourself. It's fine.

 **space boi** 3:47 pm

i hope so i just

 **space boi** 3:47 pm

i never wanna upset anyone :( especially not a friend of yours

 **space boi** 3:47 pm

i'll need her blessing for the summer wedding

 **Me** 3:47 pm

You're still holding onto that?

 **space boi** 3:47 pm

i have it marked on my calendar babe

 **space boi** 3:48 pm

PLEASE pretend i never sent that

 **space boi** 3:48 pm

hahahahahah sooooo katie's coming over? cool!

 **Me** 3:48 pm

You seem a bit flighty today

* * *

I say through a wide, uncharacteristic smile. That's one thing that made how we met a lot easier - he couldn't see just how red I got with his offhand compliments or nicknames. We've been doing it for two months now. The initial shock as kind of disappeared, but the fluttering feeling in my chest hasn't. A part of me wanted to make sure it wasn't anything health related, but I had a feeling it went deeper than that.

* * *

 **space boi** 3:51 pm

do i? i dont mean to! tired i guess

 **space boi** 3:51 pm

will most likely nap until youre alone again

 **space boi** 3:51 pm

hunk's here tho maybe i'll just chill out here

 **space boi** 3:51 pm

i'm assuming katie wont interrupt our regularly scheduled dates?

 **Me** 3:51 pm

I swear, I'll never get tired of you calling them dates

 **Me** 3:51 pm

You dork.

 **Me** 3:51 pm

But, no. They have to go back to their dorm by eight, so they'll leave a little before then.

 **Me** 3:55 pm

Did you leave?

 **space boi** 3:57 pm

nonono i'd never just ditch you mi amigo

 **space boi** 3:57 pm

hunk just needed my help with something

 **space boi** 3:57 pm

i'm glad we can still go on our date 33

 **Me** 3:57 pm

Me too.

* * *

I was tempted to return the heart just to see how he'd react, but a part of me still got a little nervous when we acted like that. Like a _couple_ or something. Does he ever get that vibe? Maybe I've been making him uncomfortable. Maybe-

* * *

 **[PM]**

 **pidgeon** 3:58 pm

yo loser im making my way to your room right now

 **pidgeon** 3:58 pm

i just put the excessive amount of wendys bags down to text you and let you know

 **pidgeon** 3:58 pm

if you hear violent kicking against your door, thats me. needing entrance.

 **Me** 3:58 pm

Got it.

* * *

A part of me wish I didn't have to leave Rabbit already, even if I really wanted to hang out with Pidge. An even greater part of me wished that I could hang out with _both_ of them. The thought of the three of us hanging out together made me feel… Really happy. Like, genuinely happy. It was really nice. I don't know if it'll ever actually happen, but it's definitely a nice thought.

I turned my attention back to the set of messages from Lance, tugging on my lip with my teeth as I toyed with a timid idea.

* * *

 **Me** 4:00 pm

Pidge is here, so I might be a bit busy.

 **Me** 4:00 pm

But, uh

 **Me** 4:00 pm

Can we talk about something later?

 **Me** 4:00 pm

It's nothing about you. It's just

 **Me** 4:00 pm

I've been not telling you something I guess

 **space boi** 4:02 pm

oh whoa yeah of course dude

 **space boi** 4:02 pm

we can cancel our date..?

 **Me** 4:02 pm

No, that's not what I want at all.

 **Me** 4:02 pm

I don't mind telling you during it.

 **space boi** 4:02 pm

you dont even deny its a date anymore 3

 **Me** 4:02 pm

I told you I liked when you said it, didn't I? That shouldn't surprise you. Going on a date with you would make anyone do the same.

 **Me** 4:02 pm

Even if they aren't technically dates

 **space boi** 4:03 pm

you flatter me, kogayne

 **space boi** 4:03 pm

but seriously, are you like okay? are you sure you dont wanna cancel it or talk now?

 **Me** 4:03 pm

I,

 **Me** 4:03 pm

Yeah, I'm okay. I'll talk about it tonight, I promise.

 **space boi** 4:03 pm

alriiight my angel im trusting you v.v

 **Me** 4:03 pm

Good.

 **space boi** 4:03 pm

good

 **Me** 4:03 pm

Good

 **space boi** 4:03 pm

nkdfhnkfhnfk gogogo dont keep katie waiting

* * *

I sent one last smile towards my laptop that Lance would never see, shutting the screen closed and sliding it onto the small desk beside my bed. He hadn't been wrong about keeping Pidge waiting; only a second after my laptop brushed against my desk, a loud pounding began to shake my door (and almost making me drop my laptop, but I didn't so there's no need to talk about that).

Despite knowing the little gremlin for years, my stomach was sinking in nervousness and anxiety. What if things got weird between us? Or they're mad that I've been so distant? Or-

" _KEITH KOGANE, IF YOU WANT WENDY'S, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO OPEN THE DOOR WITHIN THE NEXT TEN SECONDS BECAUSE IT'S GETTING HEAVY AND MY FOOT HURTS FROM KICKING AT YOUR DOOR."_

Or… Maybe everything will be the same.

* * *

 _ **Lance's POV**_

* * *

"This is bad. This is really, really bad. Like, the ending of Infinity War bad. Oh man, how am I going to get myself out of this?"

I had just wanted to hang out with someone two months ago. I was just bored, surfing through open Rabbit rooms (and getting kicked out of multiple for being too talkative) when I just _had_ to stumble into Keith's room. I just _had_ to meet the most lovable, gay kid that I've ever seen (a close second being Nico Di Angelo, though they didn't seem to different). I just _had_ to find _him._

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it for anything. There's nothing that could make me go back and find a different person to bug nonstop. That's the issue. I've never had problems cutting ties with a person when I thought I felt more than friendly - it's something I hate about myself. I shrivel back when things so much as hint at being something more than friendship - but not with Keith.

Things between me and Keith were so freaking _confusing_ and it's driving me insane. Because I know how I feel. I like him. A loooot. To the point where I've considered asking him out loads of times and the joking about going on dates were completely self-indulgent because it's really nice to pretend. But pretending was getting frustrating. But I don't know if he'd even _want_ anything more than friendship, and that was more important to me than my stupid feelings.

I liked seeing him become more and more comfortable with our conversations. He even letter-smashes now. Like a true gay boy on the internet. I had begun to wonder if he was even real. Who doesn't key-smash? Especially being a part of the LGBT+ community. It's just… It's like initiation. But that's a bit off topic. My main issue is still not knowing if Keith is genuinely interested in me or if the attention and words are just friendly and nice. Which I would totally understand, as I too love validation and affectionate words sent towards me from friends.

But this didn't feel like the conversations I had with Hunk or Ezor or any of the friends I had in this school. My heart would flutter and my ears would burn and I'd smile like an idiot for next ten hours before I managed to calm down in the slightest. Even with my last serious crush, it never felt this intense and this _real_ , which was kind of scary. Now, I wasn't a 'flirt with them for a few times, lead them on, ditch them' kind of guy at all. I just never reached the 'lead them on' part. It never felt like anything was mutual. And now it does. And it's really nice? And also really scary? It's a lot.

Which is why I took to venting to my best friend, Hunk, about this mess I have thrown myself into, even if he couldn't hear my inner monologue of torment. He was just as sympathetic as someone who did hear it though (well, someone who heard it and related. Other people would probably think I'm a crybaby), because there he sat, at his desk, listening intently. As if I wasn't driving him insane.

"I don't think it's as bad as you're making it sound, dude," he spoke slowly, making sure he didn't completely brush off my feelings. "I mean, I can tell you definitely got it bad, but since when is that a bad thing..? You've liked a lot of people."

I sent him a pointed look. I wasn't entirely a fan of that topic, because my crushes come and go far too easily for my taste, and it made me feel like garbage whenever they left or the feelings disappeared. "Yeah, but this is different."

He frowned guiltily, but held his ground. "I know, but you also said that about Nyma-"

I glared, pointing my finger at him sternly. "We don't talk about her. She's off limits. In fact-" I pushed myself off of my bed, masterfully maneuvering through the piles of clothes and textbooks that were thrown onto the floor in disgust and exhaustion. I stopped in front of the door, gesturing towards the small, Pokémon whiteboard that we taped heavily against it. This whiteboard was extremely important to our friendship because it kept a list of all of our forbidden words; our real-life blacklist, if you will. So far ' _I don't feel so good…' 'AP Chem'_ and ' _your mom'_ were all written up there. And now, with my shaky handwriting, ' _Nyma'_ was on there, too.

She wasn't a bad person. Okay, maybe that's a lie. She totally played me, stole the money I made working throughout the entire second semester of my last year in high school, and wrote a really mean thing in my high school yearbook. But she was good to everyone else, which might have been fair, because all I did was flirt with her. But it still hurt because she genuinely acted interested in me and instead she totally used me.

It's not my favorite topic, but I couldn't hate Hunk for bringing it up. It was a fair point. "Keith doesn't want to steal my things, though. I can't imagine him ever doing _anything_ wrong, let alone something wrong to me." I acted like I've known Keith my whole life, but I don't know much about him. He shares sometimes, of course, but not nearly as much as me. I know he would die for Pidge in a heartbeat and he has an older brother named Shiro. I also know he was adopted by Shiro's family and that they're the best parents he's had through his years of fostering, but I don't know what he could be comparing them to. Unless he grew up with crappy foster parents, which seems to be a common trope in Fanfictions. And though our lives weren't Fanfiction, that possibility wasn't completely unlikely. The thought of him growing up without loving parents made my stomach twist a lot.

I leaned against the door, careful to not knock over the whiteboard and other various things taped along the frame. "She-who-must-not-be-named never got along with me for real. We never got to talk about things like Keith and I do. And I'm getting to know him as a friend first, rather than immediately going after him with a crush. Think about it, man, I'm falling for him for his personality alone! I don't even know what he looks like yet." I slammed my hands onto my him, striking him a prideful pose. I got him to kind of describe what he looks like one night, but I haven't have a physical picture yet. I know he has floofy (he actually used the word floofy and I thought I was going to _die_ ) black hair and he was a foot shorter than me, and he had what he called a 'very and unamused' default expression. So he _was_ basically Nico Di Angelo, for anyone who was wondering.

From what I've heard, he sounded cute. But for once, I could care less if he looked like freakin' Phoenix Wright (though I'd be uncomfortable if he had the haircut). I really liked talking to him and hanging out with him. He was really funny, even when he wasn't trying to be, and he was adorable without even trying. He's also an excellent flirter and I think he's secretly a very affectionate guy, but hey, that was all supposed to be friendly so what's it matter.

"Lance? You're spacing out, bud." He held up his hand before I could come up with some stupid excuse. "Don't try to tell me you were thinking about something other than Keith. I _know,_ dude. I can see it in your eyes- he squinted his eyes at me as I opened my mouth. "-and if you make a reference to that one 80's song, I'm leaving."

I grinned at him cheekily, holding my hands up in mock defense. "Okay, okay."

He spun a bit in his chair, scooting it a bit closer to me. He crossed his legs, then his arms, and sent me a curious look. "So. You _really_ like him, huh?"

I nodded almost instantly. "Yeah. I just- I like making him laugh. Like- sometimes when he has his mic on, I can hear his quiet snicker and it just kinda fuels me with stupid jokes and comments, you know? Like, yes, now I _have_ to make him laugh full-on or else I'll die. And when I do manage to make him laugh a real, genuine laugh, I literally don't know how to speak because his laugh is a loft softer than you'd imagine and you can tell he buries his face into a pillow or something out of amusement and that's so freaking cute man." I took a small breath, almost positive that my eyes were forming little sparkles and hearts. "And he likes to hear me talk about my family and what high school was like, and he disses all the tools who brushed me off or harassed me, and he likes the same Youtubers and games as me, and he literally deserves to smile and laugh constantly and-"

"Dude, dude," Hunk was smiling like a mad man now, and I'm sure I was too. He stood up and made his way over to me, not even having to look down at the mess on the floor to step around it. He threw his hands on my shoulders, his smile now a grin. "I totally support this. Like, a hundred percent. You have my blessing. He has my blessing. I want to meet him and welcome him to the family."

I could feel the blush crawling all the way up to my ears as I listened to him, pushing him lightheartedly even though I knew I wasn't strong enough to even nudge him away. "Yeah? That's super cool to hear, actually. I think I want to meet him soon - but like, a few months soon. I don't wanna rush anything, you know? I want to wait a few months and make sure he's like… Still around."

"I mean, he seems to like you. You two literally stay up until one in the morning to talk to each other. You're constantly swooning over how often he laughs and flirts with you. I can't imagine he isn't at least vaguely interested in you." He shook his head, the look of a proud mother on his face. "I hope to see you two grow old and happy together. OTP, am I right?"

"I literally hate you so much. Never say that to my face again." With what little upper arm strength I have against Hunk, I somehow managed to push him off of me with a look of pure disgust on my face. "I hate you. That was the _worst_ thing I have ever heard. You can't- that's an online thing, and even then, I don't want to hear 'OTP' come out of your mouth again." I spun around, snatching the marker in that was sitting against the whiteboard. Two new words added within the past ten minutes; a personal record.

* * *

 **Keith's POV**

* * *

"So, like, I've been studying nonstop for the past month, right? Trying to get into Voltron - Coran was great by the way, we talked for a long time about my future and he has the greatest mustache in existence - when they suddenly decide to announce they're dropping fifteen different essays down on us this week. _Fifteen._ All due within two weeks. I don't think they get how hard it is to keep up with everything? I signed up for AP so I can't necessarily complain-"

"That's not true, but continue."

They sent me a small, grateful smile before continuing. "Right, so like- I'm _exhausted_ from all of these stupid essays, and this bratty kid who I can't believe is a fellow senior because they acted like they were freakin' five _shoved_ their unfinished essays onto my desk and demanded that I finish it for them. And, like, no? I'm already dying I haven't had a real meal in three days because I've been holed up in my room-"

I pushed one of the extra bags of fries over to them, which they gladly accepted.

"-and once I'm done with my essays, I'm going to sleep for ten years. I don't have time for that, you know? So Lotor, Axca, and the rest of his little gang - they sound like some kind of weird alternative band, but whatever - they all cornered me during homeroom and I was so certain I was going to die, right? Like, they're the power group of the school, and I know for a fact Zethrid could pound me deep into the ground, but they didn't? They just sat next to me and started going through the essays with me."

I blinked, peeking at them from over my large frosty. "Really?"

"I know, I was confused too, but they were really cool. With the six of us working, I actually managed to get my essays and the punk senior's essay finished too. Not that his will be graded remarkably, because I wasn't about to write him a decent essay, but it was off of my shoulders."

"Is that where you've been? Hanging out with Lotor and his friends?"

They rose an eyebrow, snickering into their fry. "Nah, not really. I mean, Narti was nice, and Axca and I related on a spiritual level, but I haven't been hanging out with them or anything. We're just… On friendly terms now, I guess. Which is super cool, just weird." They took another fry and popped it into their mouth. "So that's why I'm done for the week. Unless the teachers try to throw _more_ onto us. I mean, I get it, The Garrison is is a prestigious school. But you'd think they want the future pilots of America to be capable of functioning, right?"

They crossed their legs, adjusting their position comfortably on my bed. They were sitting at the end of it, surrounded by dozens empty and full wrappers. I'm pretty sure they bought the entire restaurant. Not that I was complaining - I managed to eat quite a lot of it myself, too.

"The Garrison has always been like that. Shiro said it's been awful since Iverson was hired, but Matt insists all of the teachers are part of a cult or something." I spoke through a mouthful of hamburger, which tasted like heaven after eating nothing but apples and sandwiches for the past few months. This place did bring in take out or pizza from time-to-time, but it was specifically for those who would stay in the dining hall and socialize for a bit, and I would much rather die.

Pidge smirked, propping her leg up to drape her arm over her knee. "Right, right. Matt always told me he thought the teachers were plotting to take out each student. Don't ever tell him this, but I think he was right."

"Wow. He would literally pay me for that information."

They just winked, taking another bite of their meal. "Sure, but you won't say anything. I have enough dirt on you to fill the sinkholes the government is leaving in our society."

I rolled my eyes, grinning at them from across the bed. Pidge was one of the few people who truly understand my hatred for the government. Before I could further add onto their joke, though, she rose an eyebrow at me.

"So. How have things been going over in Keef-and, huh?" They leaned against the wall my bed was pushed against, twirling her spoon around her frosty cup absently. I had almost forgotten that they hadn't been a part of my life the past few months. They were always a part of my life - it felt weird to have to explain anything.

I shrugged. "Okay, I guess? I've been eating a bit more, obviously." I gestured towards the empty wrappers around me. I could see their eyes glimmer with tears they would never admit to fighting, but I stayed quiet about it. "Uh, ran into Maticia again the other day."

"Maticia…" They scrunched their lips, their eyebrows creased as they slowly mumbled the name. Almost instantly after, their eyes brightened. "Oooh, you mean Maticia McClain?"

I nodded. "Yeah, but not too much. She helped me sneak a pizza into my room one day because I didn't feel like socializing."

"Iconic. You know, I think someone in my class has the last name McClain."

"Lots of people have that last name." I pointed out, leaning against the wall beside them. "But, um, aside from that, I haven't been up to much? Just… Been reclusive. More than usual." I added hastily at the unamused expression they sent me. "But I've been happier- I think. Not as happy as I could have been, because I really did miss you. I know we've both been busy and we haven't had the chance to actually think about missing each other, but I knew something wasn't right." I sounded like I'd never said anything nice before in my entire life; I was stuttering over my words and speaking slower than usual, and my eyes were probably staring at them a bit too intensely.

Still, they just smiled back, the tears in their eyes a bit more noticeable, even if neither of us mentioned them. "I missed you too. It's really good to talk again. A few months is forever in teenage years, dude. Especially when we're both suffering."

They shifted a bit in their spot, turning to face me properly. "So, I've been meaning to ask; how are you and Lance doing? Are you still talking? Oooh, I can see by that sweet little blush on your face that you are definitely talking."

I slapped their arm as lightly as I could, earning a much more aggressive whack in return. For being so small, they were unnaturally strong. "Shut up, Pidge. Yeah, we've been talking."

"Just talking?" They nudged into me, a sly grin plastered on their lips. "No kissing? No 'I love you' messages? No flirty pictures of you shirtless getting out of the shower?"

I shoved them off of the bed, watching as various amounts of sauces and fries spread out across the room in a giant scatter. "Pidge! We haven't even sent regular pictures yet, let alone anything else. Plus, I'm literally all skin and bones. I would drive him away."

"That's fair." They mumbled from the floor, rolling onto their back rather than getting up. I pushed myself off of the wall, laying across the bed with my head dangling off the side. They turned to look at me, their hands behind their head. "You really like him, huh?"

I rose an eyebrow, glancing down at them. "How can you tell?"

"The way you act. Like- I know that he's influenced you a lot. To try and be happier? Look at you, you look incredible." They reached up to ruffle my hair, a warm smile on their face. I felt my heart tug a bit at how nice it was to have Pidge here again. It had been two months since I heard from them, but even longer since I had been able to see them in person.

"Yeah. I do like him a lot. I don't know what to do about it, though." I spoke softly, resting my cheek against my arm. "I'm not used to feeling like this, you know? Just- happy. Content. Everything feels like it's aligning. I have a good brother and his supportive boyfriend, an amazing best friend, and someone I want to be… more. Everything is clicking together and it's weird."

"A bad weird or a good weird?" They asked just as gently, their hand dropping from my head and back to their stomach. "Because… I don't know. You're doing really well with all of this. I'm proud of you, loser. Just don't push yourself too hard, okay? I want you to keep talking to Lance. A lot. But take your time with all of this. I'm sure he'll understand."

I turned my gaze up to the ceiling, biting at my lip. "He doesn't know I'm here yet." I whispered under my breath, barely lifting my head up to look at them. They didn't say anything, but I could tell they were biting their tongue. I took the opportunity to further explain myself.

"I _want_ to tell him. I really do. But I'm… Scared that he'll be weirded out by the fact he's been talking to some sick, depressed kid. Or that he'll thing I need to be babied or something. I don't want to be seen as less of a person, you know?"

They frowned. "I wish I did know, Keith. But I can't imagine knowing you and _not_ thinking you're the greatest guy ever. And… If Lance is as wonderful as you make him sound, then I don't think you're going to have any issues." They glanced over at me, raising an eyebrow. "Do you genuinely think he'd hate you for this?"

I paused, the silence followed by a sharp sigh slipping out of my lips. "No, I don't."

"See? You're getting paranoid, my friend. You're an incredible person and Lance seems really cool. Don't stress." They patted my arm pushing themselves up into a sitting position. I sent them a small smile once again.

"He thinks you're really cool."

"As he should."

"Like, he's determined to impress you."

I could see a bit of pink flushing over their freckled cheeks. They were the worst at responding to compliments or praise. They've always just turned bright pink. "How so?"

I shrugged, rolling onto my back so I was looking at her upside-down just a bit. I could feel myself getting kind of tired, but I continued to speak. "Earlier, he accidentally called you pidgeon rather than Katie. He was freaking out."

They blinked, their blush growing along with an amused smile. "Tell him it's cool if he called me Pidge and stuff."

"Really?"

"Definitely. I mean, it sounds like he'll be around for a long time." They leaned against the end of the bed, resting their head near mine. I almost immediately smelt the coffee and textbooks on them. I turned my head to look at them, biting the inside of my cheek.

"I really am sorry for not checking up on you more. You've been _really_ stressed and I wish I had been there to help out rather than Lotor. I mean, I'm glad you and his little gang are in good terms, but I wish I could have been there more."

They scowled, their eyes sternly staring into mine. I knew to stay quiet when they looked that upset. "I could say the same thing, you know. Your mental health is just as important. Don't regret putting yourself first."

"Whatever, you gremlin. I missed talking to you." I rested my head against theirs, my eyes fluttering shut at the lulling feeling of the silence around us. It wasn't awkward or difficult like I had feared. It was just as easy to talk to them and be around them as it had always been.

They shook their head just a bit and I could hear them shuffling around a bit in their spot to get comfier, making sure they didn't bump my head. I did manage to see the affectionate smile that strongly reminded me of Shiro that they sent me when I peeked my eyes open for a split second. They ruffled my hair, continuing to lean against me. "Whatever, loser. I missed talking to you too."

* * *

 **this took SO LONG but there's like 9000+ words so that kind of makes up for it? plus who doesn't love some keith/pidge and lance/hunk bonding moments? (also find me at pallladudes on tumblr. watch me slack off and reblog garbage. also my girlfriend has one too at onebreadcrumb and i highly recommend following her because she's amazing). hopefully the next one wont take too long since i have a pretty good idea of what i wanna do. we'll see.**


	7. a brief moment of silence

After a much needed nap for the both of us and finishing any leftover Wendy's, Pidge stood in the doorway of my room, a hesitant look on their face. They stared at me for a minute, their eyes darting from me to the wall beside us. "Hey- don't.. Don't be a stranger, okay?"

I smiled at them as softly as I could manage, squeezing their shoulder. I could tell they meant a lot with those words, even if they seemed casual. A lot of meaning and feeling went into the things they said. They'd just never admit it. "It's been sixteen years, Pidge. It's way too late for that."

They smiled brightly at me, putting their hand on top of mine and returning the squeeze lightly. "Good. There's no other loser I'd rather be stuck with." They glanced down at their phone, biting their lip. "Agh, it's almost eight and I really have to be back to the dorms by nine or else I'm totally screwed. I'll see you later, dude. I might just pass out when I get back, so text me in the morning, okay?"

I nodded, shoving their shoulder a bit. "Yeah, yeah. Of course."

They took a step back, slowly making their way completely out of my doorframe. They pointed their fingers at me. "Don't you _dare_ chicken out on talking to Lance, okay? I mean, yeah, do what's best for your health, but Lance isn't gonna hate you."

I had almost forgotten about that. Almost. Through a heavy sigh and throw of my head, I nodded. "I know, I know. I want to tell him."

"Oooh, also, give me his contact sometime. I want to examine this guy myself and make sure he's worthy of my best friends' heart."

I rolled my eyes, shoving them back further out of my room. "Now I remember why I don't invite you over."

They winked, flashing a cheeky grin and a two-finger salute. "Love ya! Say hi to your boooyfriend for me." Before they could see the bitter glare sent towards them, they spun around, leisurely walking down the hall. I kept my glare on the back of their head as I slowly closed the door, trying to stall reaching my laptop as much as I could. I was the one who dragged myself into this; I couldn't back out now. He was worried and I've known him long enough to know I can't just play it off.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, leaning back against the door as I switched the screen on. Of _course_ it was already 7:58. Why not? Why would it be easier for me? That'd just be unfair. An uneven balance in the universe. I sighed, sinking down the door with my phone in hand. I lazily opened Rabbit, my heart rate rising to an unhealthy rate at the sight of the small, green icon next to his picture.

I bit my lip, hovering my thumb over his icon. I could just… back out. Go to bed. Say that Pidge decided to stay the night and act like I totally forgot about what happened and-

* * *

 **space boi**

KEITH THEY REMOVED THE TIMESTAMPS OF MESSAGES ON RABBIT

 **space boi**

? I HATETH IS

 **space boi**

ITS SO…...PLAIN

 **space boi**

WEVE REACHED THE BARE MINIMUM OF RABBIT.

 **space boi**

it's 2070. rabbit is still being used to pirate movies. all thats left is the video screen and the reaction buttons. chatting? dead. profile pictures? been gone for 30 years. profiles? never heard of her.

 **Me**

I…

 **Me**

I hadn't even noticed they were there in the first place

 **space boi**

wow,,

 **space boi**

Hurt, But Not Surprised

 **Me**

FNkngkgf okay okay

 **Me**

It's…. A huge loss that will be missed dearly by the entire Rabbit community..?

 **space boi**

better!

 **space boi**

ok so youre here.

 **Me**

I am.

 **space boi**

talk to me angel

 **space boi**

you seemed kind of,, tense earlier

 **space boi**

what did you want to tell me?

 **Me**

Well

 **Me**

I'm not sure if I WANT to tell you

 **Me**

But I feel like I should

 **space boi**

why? are you okay?

 **space boi**

did i do something

 **Me**

Nonononono

 **Me**

It had absolutely nothing to do with anything that you did

 **Me**

It's all me.

 **space boi**

talk to me keith

 **space boi**

I know i screw around 99% of the time but i do care about you

 **space boi**

whats up?

* * *

Recently, it hadn't taken too much to make my heart feel just a bit warmer. Like it was beating normally and I could _feel_ it beating. The source of this feeling - the feeling of being _alive_ \- was almost always Lance. He just seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear to encourage me to do anything, be it eat or sleep or talk about personal things like this.

He's different.

I like him a lot.

* * *

 **Me**

Okay. I guess I'll just

 **Me**

Tell you right now

 **Me**

All in one go

 **Me**

Before I back out

 **Me**

But promise me you won't change, okay? Especially not how you see me.

 **space boi**

? keith dude that could never happen i think its obvious that i adore you already

 **Me**

Ugh you're making this both really easy and really difficult

 **Me**

I adore you too, by the way. Just thought I should tell you that

 **Me**

But okay. I trust you. Never given my a reason not to

 **Me**

I mean, I guess we've only known each other for a few months but..

 **space boi**

youre stalling sweetie

 **Me**

Oh. Right. I guess I am

 **Me**

Okay, here goes. I haven't talked about it in years so bear with me

 **Me**

So, like, I guess the short version is I'm depressed. But not like- I haven't done anything to myself to make anyone worry or anything. Never intentionally hurt myself or anything like that. A lot of people assume that you need to do that to be depressed but I can assure you that all of the Tumblr posts saying there's more to it are incredibly correct.

 **Me**

When I was like, five, my mom passed away and my dad left. Which meant I was a foster kid. And it was just like it is in the shows. They were all awful. Abusive in every way possible and could have cared less about me. There were some who said they 'returned me because of my sexuality' and some who returned me because 'my ptsd was getting in the way of running a normal household'. I used to lash out a lot as a kid out of anger towards my dad. I used to ditch school and lay in dangerous places because I just didn't care. I didn't have nightmares about the horrible people I lived with. I just… shut down. I guess. Some doctors tell me that isn't valid enough to be called ptsd but Allura is a saint who genuinely cares about my feelings.

 **Me**

Allura owns the building that I currently live in

 **Me**

I'm in like.. A "safe place" for those with depression or other ""mental issues""

 **Me**

I've been here for a few years now. I was originally attending the Garrison with Pidge (who said you can call them Pidge and use they/them pronouns btw) and I just… Stopped functioning.

 **Me**

Like. I stopped eating and changing my clothes and brushing my hair and teeth and everything like that. I totally shut down and stayed in bed for hours. I was a mess. I was so sick and I'm surprised I lived through months of doing that honestly.

 **Me**

But then Pidge convinced me to come to Allura's because it was made for people like me and because I really needed some help. They rarely cry so seeing them so broken up convinced me to ask for help

 **Me**

That and my older brother Shiro was freaking out when he visited the day before I agreed to visit Allura's

 **Me**

A very long story short, they told me I have severe depression and couldn't be trusted alone. Well they didn't technically say that but it was heaviiiiiily implied

 **Me**

So.. yeah I guess

 **Me**

You've been talking to a depressed loser who only eats one meal a day and hadn't socialized with anyone else in months.

 **Me**

Who probably romanticizes their issues rather than take them seriously.

 **Me**

Sorry. I know it's weird. I feel weird having to talk to you in a place like this but.. I can't just leave.

 **space boi**

allura?

 **Me**

,,what

 **space boi**

you said the woman who runs it is named allura.

 **Me**

uh

 **Me**

Yes?

 **Me**

That was the tiniest and most irrelevant piece of information that I gave you, though

 **space boi**

like.

 **space boi**

"allura's safe haven" allura?

 **Me**

Oh

 **Me**

yeah

 **Me**

How'd you know that?

 **space boi**

?

 **space boi**

my SISTER IS THERE

 **space boi**

i cannot BELIEVE you were terrified to tell me that you were at a place like allura's

 **space boi**

my sister has had it pretty bad so I convinced her to stay there for a bit. well, me and her girlfriend i guess

 **Me**

You convinced her to go here?

 **space boi**

yes? because it's a valid and important thing to do for yourself?

 **space boi**

I CANNOT BELIEVE you thought i'd be weirded out by this keith

 **Me**

How was I supposed to know your sister was here?

 **space boi**

you werent but like,, i like you keith. i know it isnt all sunshine and rainbows with you. that's why i like talking to you. it feels real

 **Me**

I've been wanting to tell you for awhile, but I didn't want to freak you out or make you feel like you have to baby me

 **space boi**

I'd baby you regardless of your health

 **Me**

See? I can't lose a guy like you.

 **space boi**

are you doing better? i know depression and memories dont go away, but sometimes there are days when you realize "hey, i'm doing great" and i just really want you to have those days.

 **Me**

They're starting to show up more often.

 **Me**

Since we met, actually.

 **Me**

You genuinely make me happy. And it used to freak me out because I didn't want to get hung up over no one, but I really like you.

 **space boi**

lgndfknhtkhln

 **space boi**

shhshsh. i really really like you too

 **space boi**

but i think we should put on a movie and try to rest early

 **space boi**

im not going to BABY you about this but im going to help in whatever way i can. i have no follow up questions and i require 0 explainations. just keep fighting, kogayne. i'll be right here

 **Me**

Thank you so much

 **space boi**

dont thank me my angel

 **Me**

you deserve to be thanked. youre the angel here

 **space boi**

Keith.

 **space boi**

I don't think you understand

 **space boi**

youre a guy whos dealt with garbage for years. youve been fighting off discrimination and hate from people youre supposed to love and it breaks my heart. youre fighting anxiety, ptsd, and depression at the same time. my adhd already feels like its going to kill me i cant imagine what youre going through

 **space boi**

and yet, here you are. alive. talking to me. getting better and better every single day. youre actually reading this messages because you were strong enough to stay. im glad that i met you because having the ability to make you feel better is so so so so amazing and i hope i can continue to do it for the rest of my life honestly

 **space boi**

you werent sure if someone would show up and care about you like this but you hung on anyway. because you had friends and family who adore you even if you tell yourself youre nothing. and now you have me too. and i care about you a lot. there are going to be so many people who care about you and want you to be better

 **space boi**

youll never stop meeting people who love you. it might take a bit to come across them, but youll find them.

 **space boi**

man i feel very passionately about just how incredible you are. i could go on for hours

 **Me**

ple aes dont

 **Me**

im not ac ryer i hate thsi

 **space boi**

Youre allowed to cry.

* * *

And I did. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks in a way that they hadn't in years. I hadn't cried since I was dragged out of my first foster home. It didn't hurt as bad this time around, though. It felt refreshing. It felt like I was releasing years of built-up tears, even if I hadn't felt like crying in years. Or maybe I have felt crying, but I refused to do anything about it. Regardless, I was downright sobbing and I didn't feel like stopping.

Pidge and Shiro always made me feel loved; they really did. But I had never heard those words before them. They said things that made me feel safe, but it never reached this point. Crying felt liberating. It felt healthy. My heart felt tight and I was gasping for breath between sobs, but man, I haven't felt this alive and this _real_ in a long time.

A part of me questioned if this was okay. He said I'm allowed to, but is it okay to cry so much it hurts? Is it okay to let myself cry when everyone else hurts too? It doesn't seem fair. But maybe I'm wrong. And maybe - just maybe - it's okay to let myself do this. To let myself hurt and let myself heal. Other people may hurt worse, but I know for a fact the people here all love each other and want to see others feel better.

Maybe I'm allowed to feel this. Just for a second.

* * *

 **thank you rabbit for removing timestamps. it was a PAIN to write.**

 **this was pretty short compared to the rest of the chapters, but the last chapter is going to be pretty long and a mess of things. thats right, the last chapter is coming right around the corner. finally. im tired. this story is very important but its pretty emotionally exhausting because its like a personal vent machine. chapters took a bit and are a bit scattered, and i do my best to make sure it isnt romanticized. this is just my personal experience with what hes going through and things ive seen from those around me. i hope you all find your own lance one day like i have.**


	8. dreaming of me and you

_Pidgeon has joined your room!_

 **pidgeon**

you ready for this dude

 **Me**

No.

 **Me**

Not in the slightest

 **Me**

Is it too late to turn back? Leave? Succumb to my depression and lose myself to the void of emptiness?

 **pidgeon**

that sounds like a mcr lyric get your head in the game keith

 **Me**

I'm not the one quoting High School Musical

 **pidgeon**

there is NOTHING wrong with high school musical

 **pidgeon**

but dont try to change the subject

 **Me**

You changed it first?

 **pidgeon**

shut up

 **pidgeon**

we both know why im here

 **Me**

to bother me until the day i die

 **pidgeon**

first of all: you arent going to die. by the time we're old enough to die theyll have already invented a way to keep human minds alive s omeho w

 **pidgeon**

second: yes

 **pidgeon**

third: LANCE IS GOING TO BE THERE TODAY?

 **Me**

I KNOW

 **Me**

PIDGE we've only like described each other a few times and turned on the video camera for a second before we chickened out

 **Me**

I'm not ready for this?

 **Me**

I can feel the void wrapping its warm, tender arms around me right now

 **pidgeon**

no thats my freakin arms around your throat trying to knock some sense into you

 **Me**

You would never hurt me

 **Me**

Plus I said warm, tender arms. You have the arms of a gremlin

 **pidgeon**

love you too pal

 **pidgeon**

but SERIOUSLY hes going to be there! i hope you know im going to be heading over there too

 **Me**

He's coming by for Maticia's birthday. You don't even know her

 **pidgeon**

i know her! were mutuals on tumblr :/ dont act like you know me

 **Me**

Did you know she was related to Lance?

 **pidgeon**

,,,,i had my suspicions but i wasnt sure so i didnt say anything

 **Me**

that's fair. I probably would have brought it up to him in some awkward way that would push him away

 **pidgeon**

youve known each other for like sixteen years and youve annoyed me for every single one of them

 **pidgeon**

yet im still here

 **Me**

Gee, thanks pidge

 **pidgeon**

Look

 **pidgeon**

hes going to like you, okay? i already know he does so i dont get what youre afraid of :/ hes constantly messaging you and flirting with you

 **Me**

exactly? What if I freeze up and can't flirt back? Or he sees me and I'm not what he wanted? WHAT IF HES NOT MY TYPE OR SOMETHING ILL BE SO UPSET

 **pidgeon**

hey hey

 **pidgeon**

breathe caro mio

 **pidgeon**

thats not gonna happen

 **pidgeon**

youve sent me novels about his 'sunkissed skin and ocean eyes' for months now

 **pidgeon**

and youre a pretty cute guy

 **pidgeon**

youre overthinking again :( just take a breath with me okay?

 **Me**

okay

* * *

I don't know if they genuinely wanted me to take a breath, but I closed my eyes and forced a long, steady inhale that felt like heaven. I rarely stop and focus on my breathing; doing it is therapeutic once in a while. At least, that's what Allura told me, and she's definitely not wrong. It's calmed me down a lot. Mostly because my mind tends to wonder as it is right now. Isn't it strange that despite hurting so bad, I'm still breathing? What made my body want to keep fighting when my head was telling it not to?

I remember I asked Lance this one day while we were in Rabbit with our mics on and he just laughed a bit and said 'that's all you babe'. As if I had the strength to convince my body to stay strong… But I like to think I have _something_ to do with still being alive.

Having him come here was a really big deal to me. He wasn't just some guy I met on the internet anymore. I'm not sure if he had ever been. Contrasting every fear I had when I told him about where I was and how I regularly felt, he hadn't really changed around me. He'd ask how I was doing in the softest tone I had ever heard and he'd set up days where we just watch cat videos or cryptid sightings to cheer me up, but he never acted afraid of me.

And not a legitimate afraid, like I'd beat him up or ridicule him or something. I meant like, afraid to talk to me in fear he's upset me or 'make my depression worse' like all of the other kids at school had done years ago. It wasn't their fault, I completely get where they're coming from, but it hurt after awhile. And it became really hard to meet people who felt comfortable with me. Matt and Pidge were the only friends I've had who didn't treat me like a different species. And now I guess Lance can be fit into that small group. His sister as well.

It was a strange feeling; having an almost-friend-group set up for me to turn to whenever I need them. I had always read fanfics (yeah, I spend a lot of time reading those. No one will _ever_ know that) and they always include the main characters in their little social circle, and I had yearned for that for years while also simultaneously feeling extremely grateful I didn't have that, because it looked like it would be tiring and stressful. The latter feeling of gratitude for not having it was starting to wear off, _finally,_ and now I couldn't wait for everyone to meet each other.

Lance promised to bring Hunk along because not only are Hunk and Maticia best friends from middle school just like Lance and Hunk, but I guess he's a huge sweetheart who already wants to meet me and everything. So at least the people I'd be around are decent today. I mean, I still felt extremely anxious (I think I finally know how that feels by the way. It's not just a confusing feeling that I can't pin anymore, which Allura says is progress) at the whole thing, but there was also excitement, which was like a breath of fresh air.

I rested my cheek in my hand as I readjusted myself on my bed, staring down at my phone as Pidge waited for me to let them know my head was clear. They weren't the type to rush that kind of thing; they knew how much my head drifted when I was lost in thought. I took one last small breath, nodding to myself as I returned my attention to our conversation.

* * *

 **Me**

Alright

 **Me**

I'm good

 **pidgeon**

there you go caro mio ! im proud

 **pidgeon**

now tell me that you got this

 **Me**

I got this.

 **pidgeon**

NOW WITH MEANING

 **Me**

I got this…!?

 **pidgeon**

FNKLSDNGKG there we go

 **pidgeon**

alright go get dressed into something clean! everyone will be there soon! including meeeee

 **Me**

Right right

 **Me**

Question.

 **Me**

Is it lame that I got him something off Amazon?

 **pidgeon**

depends

 **pidgeon**

what is it

 **Me**

Well

 **Me**

He said he's Cuban so just

 **Me**

I looked up gifts that Cubans would like

 **pidgeon**

keith.

 **Me**

I know it was probably not the best idea but

 **Me**

There was a cheap perfume that I saw was a really popular souvenir from Cuba and he was talking about missing it so I thought maybe he'd want something from home?

 **Me**

oh no

 **Me**

PIDGE WHAT IF IT JUST MAKES HIM HOMESICK

 **Me**

nKFNDKGNFKG im RETURNING IT

 **pidgeon**

KEITH CALM DOWN

 **pidgeon**

i think its a good gift!

 **pidgeon**

its thoughtful

 **pidgeon**

lance appreciates thoughtful!

 **Me**

right right right..

 **Me**

I guess

 **pidgeon**

look its fine i already know hes going to love it so dont return it okay?

 **Me**

Okay.

 **pidgeon**

now go get ready

 **Me**

Sure thing

 **pidgeon**

love you!

 **Me**

Love you too

* * *

I knew better than to try and force an excited answer in response. They knew that it was a difficult day to me and my emotions were everywhere. I had finally learned to relax and not force myself to feel better for them or almost anyone else. I still struggled, but I was getting better.

Heaving a heavy, winded sigh, I slowly pushed myself off of my bed, rolling off the edge before carefully landing on my feet. It was also becoming a bit easier to get out of bed. Not something that I could do without some thought and preparation, but I guess I was starting to enjoy it; getting dressed in something new and starting my day off fresh. Even my blinds were open.

I examined the crooked clothes that were messily hung up in my closet, a small color variety staring back at me. I may enjoy wearing pink and other lighter colors, but a large majority of my clothes were black or grey. Was that _really_ the impression I wanted to give? A black shirt with random shows or faded quotes printed on the front? I didn't want to seem some kind of emo kid who only owns five shirts or something. I bit my lip, shaking my head almost immediately as the thought crossed my mind. No, that wasn't it. That wasn't fair of me to think towards myself. He wouldn't _want_ me to think that. My wardrobe was my wardrobe; my preferences and my comfort. That's it.

I repeated the reminder in my head as I flipped through the hanging shirts, brushing off ones that were far too small or just a _bit_ too emo for comfort. When's the last time I went shopping? I can't even remember. Most of the clothes I got were hand-me-downs from Shiro or Matt. Or given to me as gifts and left abandoned in my closet or in the gift-boxes that they came in. Maybe it was about time I went to go shopping.

After anxiously tugging through each shirt, I finally decided on an old, red Guardians of the Galaxy t-shirt with a faded image of Peter and Gamora. There was something pretty neat about them that I couldn't shake off. Maybe the space theme fit my desperation for a star and brought me a sense of comfort. Funny how fictional characters can do that for you sometimes.

I tugged on a pair of black jeans, a yawn slipping through my lips as I glanced down at the watch I constantly had attached to my wrist despite living in the 21st Century with a phone. I had about twenty minutes before Lance and everyone else showed up, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to hide out until the last minute or go out there so I could greet him. Despite my head telling me I should stay and wait it out, my legs dragged towards the door and my hands pushed it open.

Guess I'm doing it, then.

The halls were fairly decorated in honor of Maticia's birthday. Unless specifically requested otherwise, Allura would deck the entire building for a patient's' birthday with homemade decorations and posters. Maticia was decently popular person, so there were quite a bit of cards and drawings scattered on the walls. They were the type of letters that showed she was a genuinely well-liked person and they weren't just out of pity.

She hadn't said much in terms of her birthday, but I could tell her feelings about it were conflicting. She had mentioned wishing she could celebrate it at her girlfriend's house or at home rather than in a place that was meant to keep you safe. Not that the safety wasn't appreciated, but birthdays were supposed to be fun and exciting. Being stuck in a building like this didn't really add to that.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets of my jeans as I turned the corner of the adorned hall, jumping when my body lightly clashed against a much stronger one. "Oh- sorry-"

A bright smile and stunningly white hair greeted me with a small wave of her hand. She stuck the clipboard in her hand under her arm. "Oh, Keith! Good morning! And there is no need for an apology; I should have been looking whilst I walked." She offered a warm smile, placing her hand on my shoulder as gently as she could. "I'm glad to see you today. I know Maticia will really appreciate it."

I returned the smile with as much sincerity as I could, waiting for her to drop her hand off of my shoulder so I could reply. Not that I was incapable of responding when she was touching me, it was just a matter of my comfort. Allura seemed to have picked up on that rather quickly over the years, because her hand dropped back down to her side without her smile faltering int the slightest.

"I just thought I'd come visit. Birthday's only happen once a year, right?" I shrugged, returning her excited smile with more genuinity than I had expected. "Plus… I have some friends to see and stuff. It's not big deal." I added in quickly when she bounced a bit in her place.

Much to my expectations, she completely ignored my quick clear up and shook my arm, almost dropping her clipboard and collection of pastel pens in the process.

"Keith! That's fantastic! I'm so proud of you!" She yanked on my arm, pulling me into a tight hug. I hadn't realized until now just how often she had been there for me. She brought meals to me when Maticia couldn't sneak them and she let me get away with a lot more than the other people here would. She was a young woman; mid-twenties, but she reminded me of Matt and Shiro. Older, but easy to befriend. In fact, I kind of felt like we _were_ friends, in some weird way. We were beyond just doctor/patient. I never understood how people could befriend their doctors or therapists, but I think I was beginning to get it.

I hesitantly returned the hug, not surprised to feel her body stiffen in surprise for a fraction of a second. How many hugs had she given me? How many did I not return? I felt a twinge of guilt shoot through my stomach at the missed signals I had received from her. She wasn't just some snooty doctor who assumed she knew me inside and out; she wanted to be a friend. She wanted to help me.

"Thank you, 'Llura. Feel free to come hang out with us whenever you're free, okay?" I offered as we gingerly pulled away from the hug, her smile even brighter than before.

"Gladly. I'll see you soon, Keith. Enjoy yourself." As if she wasn't already very chipper and bubbly before, she practically bounced down the hall to attend to her regular check-ins. I smiled after her for a moment. Hadn't Pidge always praised her for how wonderful she was? I guess they had been right. I mean, Pidge had a dorky crush on her that she never planned on doing anything about (which was good. They were only sixteen and Allura was twenty-four) so her view on Allura _could_ be a bit biased.

Regardless, I was looking forward to seeing who she could be behind the facade I created for her. I guess there were a lot of people that I could try to see in a different light, but I'm taking steps towards fixing that. Though Lance has insisted I am not someone in need of fixing.

I shook myself out of my thoughts, pushing myself through the cafeteria doors where the party was being held.

The room was wildly decorated, definitely more so than the hallway. She had insisted on a space theme for the decor, which turned out to be an excellent choice given how magnificent the room walls were lined rim-to-rim with fairy-lights shaped like small, translucent stars; they dangled off of the wall elegantly and shimmered nicely against the dark blue walls. The ceiling was covered with glow-in-the-dark stickers of stars and planets, which lit up the room along with the fairy lights. In fact, I don't think the lights are even _on_ right now. It's all the decoration.

"Keith! You made it!" I felt a pair of small arms wrap around me from behind, the familiar scent of vanilla filling the air around me. I glanced down to see the arms belonged to someone rather tan and I knew my remembrance of her smelling like vanilla was correct.

"Well, well, if it isn't the birthday girl herself." I smiled, turning around to wrap my arm around her shoulders. She beamed at me, bowing a bit in her place. She was far more dressed for the occasion than I was, but she didn't seem to mind.

"Yep, that's me. Now I'm two years older than you. How's it feel?" She asked, pulling out of the hug to cross her arms at me in a way I was assuming meant she wanted to give off vibe of authority. It didn't really work.

"Feels the same from up here," I grinned when she punched my arm, ruffling her hair a bit. "But I mean, you're a pretty cool twenty year old, so I guess that can make up for being so tiny."

She sent an unimpressive glare. "Wow, Keef. Aren't you worried about how my fragile heart feels with all these low, personal blows? I think I'm done with the birthday party. Just gonna go back to my room. Cry myself to sleep. Wait 'til my girlfriend finds out. She's a bit taller than you and could take you on in her sleep."

I laughed. "I've been in bed for years. I'm pretty sure my five year old niece could easily beat me up."

"Wouldn't surprise me," she winked at me, standing on her toes to peek over my shoulder. I followed her gaze to find her girlfriend leaning against the doorway, absently scrolling through her phone. I could tell she was just waiting for us to stop talking so the two of them could be together. I sent Maticia one last smile, squeezing her shoulder.

"Happy birthday, Maticia." I dropped my hand to the side, and she grinned brightly in return, practically bouncing in her place.

"Thanks, Keith. Oh, and-" she winked again as she pushed past me to walk to her girlfriend, who I _think_ she said was named Jessica. "Have fun with my brother. You two deserve each other."

" _Maticia!"_ I glared at her, a hot blush creeping onto my cheeks as she brushed me off, almost immediately melting into her girlfriend and pulling her into a tight hug. I fought through the embarrassment and flustered shock as I smiled at the two of them, my phone buzzing against my hip snapping me out of my thoughts

 _Have fun with my brother. You two deserve each other._

Maybe that shouldn't be on my mind while Lance spams my phone.

* * *

 **[PM]**

 **space boi**

KEITHKEITHKIETHKIEHTKEITHIEHTTEKEHTIH

 **space boi**

JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES AND I GET TO SEE THAT ANGELIC FACE OF URS

 **space boi**

u must be so excited to see mine huh 33

 **Me**

I'm ecstatic

 **space boi**

i hate that i can never tell when youre serious or not

 **Me**

oh, I'm dead serious

 **space boi**

=-= i cant tell

 **Me**

nknkNGNDFKHNHGNN ughhh I love when you use little emojis

 **space boi**

:0

 **space boi**

:D!

 **space boi**

(^-^)

 **Me**

How are you so cute?

 **space boi**

must be the adorable company that I keep 33

 **Me**

Yeah. Hunk is pretty adorable

 **space boi**

good we're on the same page

 **Me**

But honestly

 **Me**

I'm really excited to see you

 **Me**

I mean I'm really REALLY nervous but I'm also really excited

 **Me**

Just

 **Me**

I dunno

* * *

I had toyed with the idea of telling him I liked him a lot again, but I don't know how it would go this time. Especially if I were to see him soon. He had said he liked me back before, but it kind of stopped there and our playful flirting continued once again with no sign of either of us doing anything about it. Did he take it platonically? Was he not interested anymore?

And of course I know my thoughts are probably getting to me, but it's hard to ignore them when so many things are flying through my head right now. I want him to like me more than anything. I want him to be my star. I just… really want _him,_ I guess. But I don't know if I should. This friendship was supposed to stay strictly to just one video. What happened to that? Though I knew that I had no complaints about how we've grown closer in the slightest.

I just wanted there to be more between us. I was always conflicted about things and I've always struggled to admit feelings to myself, but this time? I was so certain that he was the person I really wanted to be with. But I'm a really clingy and nervous person, and I wouldn't want him to be with me for just a few months. I wouldn't want to date other people to see if he was who I wanted to be with. If I were to actually engage in a relationship with someone, I would want it to be for a long time. I can't imagine doing anything else.

My phone buzzed once again with a notification from the same person making my head race with frustratingly confusing thoughts.

* * *

 **space boi**

hey

 **space boi**

im really excited to see you

 **Me**

Yeah?

 **Me**

About to meet a stranger online. Aren't you worried?

 **space boi**

i trust you

 **space boi**

besides 'cia knows you

 **space boi**

my sister is pretty good at judging people so i think i'll be fine

 **Me**

Oh? Going off what she said?

 **space boi**

that and i also have a fantastic preference and let me tell you

 **space boi**

youre definitely it

 **space boi**

ohhh! we're almost there

 **space boi**

hunk needs me to read out directions bc the crosswalks here screw up all visual navigation

 **space boi**

love you

 **space boi**

knnKGFNHNHKGFNNGRGFIPLNFEKNGKDFNGKF

 **space boi**

I WASNT THINKING I WAS IN A HURRY

 **space boi**

BYE

 _space boi is now offline!_

* * *

Were blushes supposed to burn your cheeks? Like, I felt like rinsing my face off with some cool water to try and kill this blush down. He hadn't even given me the chance to reply to it. He hadn't added hearts or a winky face. He just… said it. Was that normal? I glared at my phone in frustration, scrolling up just a bit so I could reread his 'accidental' message. Even through my racing thoughts, I felt a smile creep onto my face.

I wish I had been able to say it back.

* * *

 **Lance's POV**

* * *

"Lance, dude, you've been bouncing your leg for the past, like, ten minutes. What's up?" Hunk glanced over at me from the driver's seat, an eyebrow raised in suspicion.I blinked at him, glancing down at my leg, which was indeed bouncing enough to shake the plastic cups of soda in the cup holder. I sent him a sheepish smile, my hand instinctively wrapping around my phone even though I completely butchered any chance at messaging Keith after my stupid message. Hunk's quickly side-glanced at my movements before locking his eyes on the road again,

"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice a bit more concerned this time, though I could tell he was getting impatient because my leg had started bouncing the moment he looked away. I groaned, throwing my head back into the seat and crossing my legs up onto the seat. I folded my arms around my chest, my knee bouncing in frustration.

"I'm doing _great._ Can't you tell?" I mumbled, earning nothing but a quick eyeroll and quiet scoff. I closed my eyes, creasing my eyebrows. Why couldn't I think of anything else? This whole crush thing was getting way too serious. I thought about him _constantly._ Was that bad? Would that make him uncomfortable? Making him uncomfortable was genuinely my least favorite thing. Even more so than ketchup on macaroni and cheese. Yeah. I hated it _that_ much.

When he said nothing, I sighed, rolling my head over to look at him. "Okay, so, I may have sent a really dumb text to Keith. And it's still bothering me. A bit. It's no big deal maybe he didn't notice. Or took it on the wrong way. Or didn't really care." I listed off things that I knew weren't actually true, but saying them out loud brought at least some comfort to my weeping mind.

I could tell he was trying to fight a snicker, so I gave him the chance to hold it back and continue to show me the love and sympathy he was supposed to give me as my best friend.

"Look, whatever it was, I'm sure-"

"I told him I love him, Hunk."

I was met with a painful silence for about five minutes, and his expression was completely unreadable. No amusement. No disappointment. I leaned forward to look at him even further, though there was absolutely no sign anything. How was he so good at keeping a straight face? He was the biggest crybaby I knew, yet when he wanted to, he was solid as a rock.

I opened my phone again, where our messages still sat with no response from him. To be fair, it still said I left. What was he going to say? I love you too? Thank you? What would _I_ have said in that situation? When was it too soon to tell someone you loved them? When was it too soon to feel like you loved someone? Actually, no, I knew this answer. I Googled it.

First, make sure you've known each other for more than two months. We've known each other for at least five months now, so that was easily checked off. Second, go on at least five dates. I mean, our Rabbit things count as dates, right? We literally called them that all of the time. So there's like, five dates times ten already! And last, don't worry about having kissed them or anything before you say it. _That_ one was really nice to read, even though taking this seriously was probably a bad idea.

Though… I kind of _wanted_ to kiss him. There was no way I'd ever make him do something like that, especially after he told me about how scared he is of physical contact. If he ever wanted anything like that, he'd have to tell me. I could never overstep his boundaries like that.

But _man_ did the thought of saying I love him and kissing him sound really nice.

"Whoa, you're blushing. And you're cracking your knuckles, which means you're overthinking about something. What's up?" He glared at me. "And don't you dare make me ask again. I will turn this car around."

"Nononono!" I held my hands up as though I were going to grab the wheel if he stayed true to his warning, my face flushing a bit at the fact I had ended up blushing while thinking about him. How lame can I get? "It's just Keith. I know I said I screwed up when I said that I loved him, but, like-"

"You think you actually do love him?"

I bit the inside of my cheek, dropping my gaze from his face to my lap. "I… don't know. Yes? Maybe? Is it too soon to say something like that? I just… feel like it's _more_ than a crush. Or some infatuation."

He responded with a small smile, his attention still planted firmly on the road. He turned a corner, Allura's place in sight down towards the end of the road. I groaned, sinking into my chair.

"I mean, I've seen a lot of people wait until they were married to tell each other that they love each other. But… personally? I don't think there's a need for a wait like that," he spoke softly, his words slow and soft, as though he was thinking them over in his head. "It's just- you never know what might happen tomorrow, right? There could be an injury or death or something, or a huge fight, or maybe aliens come and take over the galaxy and threaten to destroy our earth-"

"Glad you're keepin' this realistic, Hunk."

"- _so_ waiting to see what other people tell you you can and can't do is a waste of your time on earth. So what if you're nervous? If you think you love him, don't try to push it down until it's socially acceptable to admit. You're _fine._ Your feelings are just as valid, Lance."

Tears. _Tears._ That's the last thing I needed before going to see Keith, and yet here my best friend is, making my eyes sting with horribly painful tears. I bit my lip, gripping his arms as my eyes watered, begging them to stay in my eyes and not slide down my cheeks. Once they start it takes _forever_ to stop. This was the reason I absolutely adored Hunk. When I came out as bisexual, the only thing he did was buy me a cake and congratulate me for being brave enough to come out to him.

He has always been my best supporter. I adore my family more than anything in the world, but Hunk never failed to show me the support that I needed. Man, I could write a novel about how great he was. _No homo though bro._

"I know you're thinking about how great I am, And that your adoring thoughts do not equal you having a crush on me. I can read you like a book." He grinned at me, making one last turn into the parking lot of Allura's, my stomach twisting in fear and my heart pounding against my chest. He seemed to have noticed the change in my demeanor, because he gently placed his hand on my shoulder and shook his head sympathetically.

"Dude, it's okay. You got this. It's Keith. You've liked him for months now, and he's already a best friend. And I mean - we got along great during that voice call last week. If I approve, that has to mean something, right?"

I laughed a bit, though the nerves in my stomach haven't disappeared in the slightest. "Right, right. Thanks, man." I gave him a genuine smile. I knew that worrying about it wasn't going to get me anywhere. I just needed to grit my teeth and fight through the fears. What's the worst that can happen? He hates me? We don't get along? We- _no, Lance, you're freaking out again._

"I'll message 'cia and let her know we're coming in." I mumbled, trying to take my mind off of my anxious thoughts.

* * *

 **[PM]**

 **Me**

hey

 **Me**

ciaaa

 **Me**

we're here!

 **catloaffs**

LAAANCE

 **catloaffs**

am I supposed to come out and greet you?

 **Me**

dont…...u miss your little brother

 **catloaffs**

sure but

 **catloaffs**

im cuddling jessica :/ dont take this from me :/

 **Me**

bring her w/ you im not entering alone

 **catloaffs**

hold on

 _heavymetal alchemist has joined your room!_

 **Me**

your username gets me every single time

 **heavymetal alchemist**

goooooo awayyy

 **Me**

i missed you too! hows the family?

 **heavymetal alchemist**

goooooooo

 **Me**

YOU GUYS TALK EVERY DAY SHE IGNORES ME BC OF YOU

 **catloaffs**

don't blame her. she had nothing to do with me ignoring you

 **Me**

:( mi hermana

 **catloaffs**

why do you slip into the most BASIC Spanish when you want to get your way?

 **heavymetal alchemist**

lanceeeEE

 **Me**

IVE BEEN IN THE CAR FOR ALMOST SEVEN HOURS DRIVING ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE

 **Me**

IM EXHAUSTED

 **Me**

TIRED

 **Me**

HUNGRY

 **Me**

i dont have TIME for your protests

 **Me**

please…...i knwo ur int ehre….

 **Me**

ppl are asking where youve been….

 **catloaffs**

OKAY FINE STOP

 **heavymetal alchemist**

learn to spell u coward

 **Me**

you dont even take the time to completely spell out 'you' so leave me alone?

 **heavymetal alchemist**

u dont either dont act all innocent

 **catloaffs**

we're untangling ourselves as we speak

 **catloaffs**

we'll be done in like two minutes

 **Me**

kthx

 **heavymetal alchemist**

u guys are way too similar

* * *

 _That's_ what I wanted. I wanted to whine and complain about having to do responsible, adult things because I'd much rather stay in bed with Keith, my boyfriend. I wanted to cuddle him and kiss him and hold him really close, but there was still this weird barrier between us that stopped me. I guess it was because I _liked_ him, and everyone else who gets cuddles from me get strictly platonic ones. His wouldn't be platonic in the slightest. And I'd feel really guilty if he thought it was.

I worried about what he thought a lot, I guess.

A sharp tap on my window knocked my out of my daze, sending my flying out of my seat and halfway onto Hunk's lap in shock. Of course, I knew who it was, and I was going to kick her to the moon, but let me tell you that it was _terrifying_ when your head is resting against the window and someone decides to slam there hand onto it.

I threw my foot onto the window switch, watching as my sister slid down with it, leaving her girlfriend to greet me at the newly opened window. I rose an eyebrow at her, nudging her arm with my foot. "What's up?"

She just rolled her eyes, wrapped her arm around Maticia once she finally stood back up. "It's her _birthday._ I've been counting down since, like, June 30th of last year."

"Her birthday is June 29th."

"I know."

I rolled my eyes at her, though I couldn't help but smile. They'd been dating for about five years now, and she'd been nothing but friendly and relaxed around my _huge_ family, so that was a good sign. Oh, man, would Keith be comfortable around the amount of people at my house? It stressed _me_ out sometimes and I'm not usually that stressed.

Unaware of my inner struggles, my sister pulled the car door open, with my leg still hanging outside the window. She didn't bother letting me free myself as she hopped in the car and wrapped her arms around my waist.

"I'm really glad you were able to make it! I was worried mom and dad would keep you busy since Marco's graduation is coming up soon."

I laughed a bit, ruffling her hair. "Oh, please, Marco has literally the entire family setting up for the graduation. I don't think he'll notice if I slip out."

"Plus, Keith is here." Jessica sent me a cocky grin, saying Keith's name in a sing-song voice that was obviously meant to further embarrass me. It worked. I smacked her arm with no force at all, sending her a half-hearted glare.

"I totally forgot he was here! Huh! Well. Guess we should just… go in then." I threw in a fake chuckle for good measure, quickly pushing Maticia off of me so I could sit up and get off of poor Hunk, who was still suffering underneath my dead weight. And he hadn't said a word (though I could feel his glare on the back of my head). What a guy.

If it wasn't obvious, I hadn't forgotten that Keith was here in the slightest. In fact, I was kind of thinking about it a lot. Once I walk through those doors, there's no backing out. I'd see him. Talk to him. Oh man, I'd get to hear his voice in person. How crazy is that? I still get goosebumps when we talk late at night. Not to mention how nice he sounds early in the morning. We've started to leave Rabbit on every morning so we can talk and I can remind him to get breakfast. Then we just talk a bunch and I can keep his mind from wandering long enough for him to finish his meal. I love it.

But there was also the idea that he might not like _me._ I was a pretty confident and outgoing guy, there was no doubt about that, but I've never had any type of relationship like this, friendship or not. I've never met an internet friend before, and the whole thing felt new and really scary. It was way different than flirting with some guy or girl at school; he liked me for what I could talk about and what dumb things I liked to watch - but now I had to come up with actual conversation, completely unaware of his preferred body language or sitting distance or anything,

It was almost like meeting him for the first time. Only I knew what his favorite color was. And how he grew up. And what he wants to do when he's out of Allura's. And who his family is. And what he likes and dislikes. I know that he actually _likes_ ketchup on his mac and cheese and I know he absolutely _hates_ tuna. I know he's lactose intolerant and I know his voice gets a bit softer and slower when he's tired. I know _him._ I just don't know how to talk to him face-to-face.

My biggest fear was that this would all fly downhill. We wouldn't hit it off and things would be weird whenever we decided to message again. And we'd never meet up again. And the major crush I had on him would never be brought up. And I'd love someone that I can't even talk to. I bit my lip, swallowing my thoughts down and plastering a beam on my face, my eyes flickering from each of my friends in turn as they stared at me expectantly. I hadn't noticed that they left the car until now.

"Lance.."

I held up my hand to silence Hunk, already sensing his parental tone. "I'm _fine,_ Hunk. I'm just overthinking. I can handle meeting one guy."

"One cute guy."

"That you _love._ "

"Not to mention he totally loves you too."

I slammed my hands onto the dashboard, a hot blush crawling up to my ears. "We don't throw the L word around unless we're absolutely positive! It's a Lance Law!"

"I don't trust any type of government so I'm vetoing your law." Jessica leaned against the hood of the car, her arms crossed against her chest.

Hunk threw his giant, comforting hand onto my shoulder, shaking me a bit. "Dude, come on, you got this. What's the worst th- no, never mind, I'm sure you have that answered already."

Maticia clicked her tongue, resting her head against Jessica's chest as she looked up at me. "Okay, fine, how about you think about the things that could go _right_?"

I blinked. "Why would I do that?"

She just rolled her eyes. "You've been thinking about the possible things that could go wrong this entire time. What are some good outcomes to all of this?"

Oh. I hadn't given that much thought. Had I given it any thought? My nerves have been blowing full force for hours now, I hadn't stopped to think about what might happen if they were wrong. It still felt weird to not think about the bad things, but I considered anyway.

"Um, I guess it'd be really nice if I got to see his smile for the first time? And hear his laugh in person, because it's _really_ nice. And finally check out the mullet 'cia keeps telling me he has. And I might even get to hold his hand or kiss his cheek or something if this turns out okay."

They all smiled at me in unison, making me shift awkwardly in my spot as their proud, motherly smiles grew. I suddenly felt more than ready to go home. "Well! This has been fun. Nice chat. Bye!"

Hunk stood between me and the door, his hands on his hips. "No, nonoono, I don't think so. I've been listening to you ramble about this for weeks, Lance. And like heck am I going to let you back out now. You're so close to meeting Keith!"

I groaned, throwing my head back into the car seat. I wanted to see him more than anything, but that didn't make this any less scary. They didn't seem to understand that.

"Come on, Allura is going to start freaking out if I don't get back in there." Maticia grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the car with no help from me whatsoever. I threw myself against Hunk, slamming my head onto his shoulder.

"I'm gonna die, Hunk."

"That'd be annoying. I'm only here for you. No offence, 'Cia, Jessica."

"Nah, you're good." Jessica shrugged, and Maticia answered with an agreeing nod. I turned to look at my aforementioned sister, my expression softening just a bit.

"Happy birthday to my favorite older sister."

"I'm telling Veronica." She chirped, a matching smile on her face.

My eyes widened in fake panic. "Please don't. She gets the best birthday presents."

She stuck her tongue out at me, wrapping her arm around Jessica's waist as they began to walk towards the entrance. My legs felt like lead as I followed, relying on Hunk to drag me along with him.

"Go inside and talk to Lance. Then maybe I'll keep it a secret." She winked at me from over her shoulder, walking through the doors as Jessica held them open for us. This was it. _This was it. THIS IS IT. RIGHT NOW. THIS IS LITERALLY IT._

Once I pass through the hall and enter the cafeteria.

So much for psyching myself up.

As though the angel on earth could hear my feel my woes, I felt my phone buzz in my jacket pocket. My sister and her girlfriend were already bouncing into the cafeteria, so it was only Hunk who sent me a curious look. I waved him away.

"It's.. it's Keith. Look, let us handle this our way, okay? I got this. I won't back out, I promise."

He eyed me skeptically, his hand on his chin in what I would usually call a Signature Lance Pose. After what felt like hours, he finally gave a small nod. "Alright, alright. I trust you, man. You got this. I can't wait for you two!" He threw his arm around me and pulled me into a one-armed hug that I weakly attempted to return.

"Thanks, dude. I'll hurry, but I can't promise it'll be as quick and as smooth as you're expecting it to be."

"I don't expect it to be smooth in the slightest. Keith is a big sweetheart, sure, but he's also a little awkward-"

"That's _not_ his fault-"

"I'm not saying it is!" He held up his hands defensively, and I nodded slowly, biting my lip in an attempt to bite my defensiveness down. "I'm just saying that he hasn't had a lot of opportunities when it comes to this kind of stuff from what he said you can tell me. And I know you're not exactly the most experienced with it either. Just… go for it. You both deserve it."

I smiled at him, pushing his shoulder a bit to get him to start walking before my motivation disappeared. "You big softie. I'll be there in a sec."

He offered a supportive smile, making his way to the door of the cafeteria. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket again when I took a small step forward, silently thanking Keith for stopping me.

* * *

 **[PM]**

 **Keith Kogayne**

Hey

 **Keith Kogayne**

Maticia said youre here

 **Me**

yepyepyepyepyep

 **Keith Kogayne**

Thats cool

 **Me**

yeah i think so too

 **Keith Kogayne**

I haven't seen you walk in yet though

 **Me**

yeah no i havent entered the cafeteria yet

 **Keith Kogayne**

Oh, so you're still in the hall?

 **Me**

yep! just,, just

 **Me**

man

 **Me**

im gonna be honest w/ you bud

 **Me**

i am really REALLY nervous

 **Me**

is that bad?

 **Me**

you dont scare me

 **Me**

just…...meeting you kind of scares me

 **Keith Kogayne**

No but like. Big mood.

 **Keith Kogayne**

I've been stressed all day

 **Keith Kogayne**

And glued to this chair for an hour

 **Keith Kogayne**

And you're right out there

 **Keith Kogayne**

Right outside that door

 **Me**

yeah

 **Keith Kogayne**

Yeah

 **Keith Kogayne**

What if I went out there?

 **Me**

like,, you come out to the hall?

 **Keith Kogayne**

yeah

 **Keith Kogayne**

Instead of trying to act casual in front of everyone else

 **Keith Kogayne**

Unless that would be weird

 **Me**

nknkgnkhg no

 **Me**

No please that sounds really helpful actually

 **Keith Kogayne**

are you sure?

 **Me**

please my angel

 **Keith Kogayne**

Okay okay

 **Keith Kogayne**

Let me sneak away from Hunk. He's very talkative

 **Me**

Oh no

 **Me**

i hope hes not being TOO talkative

 **Keith Kogayne**

Got some secrets you're keeping from me, Lance? I can easily find out from him right now

 **Me**

Nonononno no secrets im an open book

 **Me**

for example: im in love w/ you

 **Keith Kogayne**

nknkgkndkgndkhnfhgnk

 **Keith Kogayne**

I can't believe I never realized this before

 **Keith Kogayne**

what other secrets could you be hiding

 **Me**

guess you'll just have to stick around and see

 **Keith Kogayne**

Guess I will

 **Me**

good

 **Keith Kogayne**

Good

 **Me**

are you coming out here or what

 **Keith Kogayne**

I'm right in front of the door

 **Keith Kogayne**

I'm so terrified to open it

 **Keith Kogayne**

What if this doesn't go right?

 **Me**

i've been terrified of the same thing for days

 **Me**

but like just think

 **Me**

what if it DOES go right?

 **Me**

think about how nice thatll be instead

 **Me**

bc im almost positive that its going to be okay

 **Keith Kogayne**

Alright. I guess I can try that

 **Me**

im proud of you my angel 33

 **Keith Kogayne**

nkdnkhg

 **Keith Kogayne**

Alright. Opening the door now. Here goes nothing.

* * *

I hesitated for only a second, my breathing catching in my throat when I heard the small creak of the door being opened. I slid my phone back into my jacket pocket, biting my lip at the soft sound of timid footsteps. I let my eyes gradually trail up, first locking onto a pair of beat-up converse and the ends of very nice-fitting skinny jeans.

"I should've known you'd wear all bl- oh." My words trailed off when my gaze fell onto his face, and any other thoughts or jokes completely obliterated at just how _beautiful_ he was. Have you ever met someone who absolutely took your breath away at first glance? And you like, had to blink and make sure you weren't just influenced by how beautiful their personality was? Yeah, that's what this was like.

"You- um. You… hi." His cheeks were tinged with a faint pink as he spoke, but he kept his eyes firmly locked with mine. I smiled back far too shyly, throwing my hands into my jacket pockets and immediately curling them into fists to try and fight off the blush that was burning up to my ears again.

"Hey yourself." I replied softly, letting myself and the hall stay silent for a moment so I could further admire him. Save for sporting that awful mullet (which wasn't actually awful, it suited him really well), he was absolutely breathtaking. I mean, like, I knew he would be really attractive, but I wasn't expecting _this._

He wasn't very subtle about checking me out, either, and I let my demeanor relax a bit at his small actions. "Like your view?"

He blinked, his face growing redder when his eyes stopped flickering along my body and instead remained staring at the wall instead. "Um… yeah, actually."

"Oh." He wasn't supposed to make me blush with an actual response. I stared at him, admiring his profile with a warm smile crawling onto my face. "I have to say, I'm the same way right now. Definitely enjoying my view."

He snapped his head towards me, a frustrated and embarrassed glint in his dark eyes that made my heart leap out of my throat. I stared at him for a minute before my smile returned with more warmth than before. I took a small step closer to him, and he did the same.

"We can go inside the cafeteria if you want," I offered carefully, tilting my head to the side as I continued to smile at him. Did he realize he was absolutely adorable? Because he is. He really is. "We can go hang out with Hunk and the others. They're probably making bets right now as to- oh-!"

I was cut off by him rushing over to me and wrapping his arms around my waist tightly, his face burying into my chest almost immediately. I could tell he wasn't that used to hugging, because he left absolutely no personal space between us (which is fine to me) and hugged just a _bit_ too tight, but I didn't bother to correct him.

After the initial shock wore off, I managed to wrap my arms around his shoulders and return the hug tightly, my head resting on top of his. We didn't say anything - we just stood in silence, holding each other close with our hearts beating just a bit faster and tears streaming down both of our faces.

I may not have gracefully swept him off of his feet when he walked through the door, but I can't say that this outcome disappoints me in the slightest. And it was making my head spin with shaky thoughts. This all happened because I was dumb and bored one weekend. Because I was nosy and didn't have YouTube Red and the 'sweet stranger' did. Because I was an extrovert and he was an introvert, and we combined in a way that intrigued both of us. This all happened because of one little video.

I hope there are a lot more videos to come.

* * *

 **TWENTY MINUTES UNTIL THE NEW SEASON AAAAAAAAAAAAA END ME  
**

 **IM SO EXCITED**

 **also this took forever but ive been sick and tired and busy with exams and just,, distracted by tumblr gdfnkfnhkg (FIND ME furryllance AND YELL ABOUT THE NEW CHAPTER PLEASE)**

 **i knoooow i said this would be the last chapter but listen. it was getting so lengthy and i had to split them. so the next chapter will be them at the party and me adding as much fluff and love in as i can.**

 **PLEASE TELL YOUR S/O THAT YOU LOVE THEM! TAKE RISKS! DO STUFF ON YOUR OWN TIME AND DONT RELY ON WHAT PEOPLE SAY YOU SHOULD DO! YOURE VALID AND DESERVE TO FEEL HAPPY**

 **anyways thank you im so pumped for the new episodes HAVE FUN**


	9. feels like you

We stood there for almost an hour, my arms wrapped around his waist with more force and desperation than I had originally expected, but the more he held me, the more I clung to him. He smelt of coffee and faint saltwater etched into his jacket that I was burying my face into. How long would he hold me? Would he push away first? I could feel his shoulders shaking and I heard small sniffles and shaky laughs escape his lips, and I couldn't help but let another tear slip down my cheek as I smiled at his emotional reaction. I was one to talk, though, I have been crying for ten minutes now and I hadn't made a move to let go of him yet.

He just held me closer with each passing second, his hand resting on my head and his other arm around my shoulders, his cheek resting on the top of my head. "You're a surprisingly good hugger." He whispered, and I couldn't help but laugh a bit against his shoulder, lazily whacking his arm.

"And you're surprisingly good looking." I mumbled, smirking against him when I heard a surprised squeak. I hadn't just said it to mess with him, though. He _was_ good looking, and it was kind of frustrating. You know how books always go overboard on describing the person they're in love with? With the 'big, blue orbs and skin as white as snow' or whatever? I think I get it now. Because he had eyes the color of the ocean with small specks of brown around his iris that looked like mountains framing the beautiful blue water. And his skin was so sunkissed and golden - I felt like I was brushing against a beautiful piece of gold.

He was just barely taller than me and had unfairly long legs that I had stared at for a bit too long when I first saw him, but I'm almost positive he wore those high-waisted shorts on purpose. He was well aware he had really nice legs. And what'd he use to cover his thin torso? A giant t-shirt and his big jacket, which only made him look more lovable and cute. I nuzzled into his shoulder, hesitating a bit before slipping my hands under his jacket to wrap my arms around him even closer.

"Whoa- hey-!" He laughed, but didn't pull away or make a move to show he was uncomfortable. I had a feeling we'd have to join the others soon. Pidge was bound to walk through those doors any second and as much as I love them, I already know they'd be cooing at me silently. I could only blush so much.

His fingers gently ran through my hair as both of our tears started to subside, and his free hand brushed against mine timidly, as though I wouldn't accept. I laced out fingers together, turning my head so I could rest the side of it on his shoulder. "It's really good to see you."

I heard him respond with a breath of a laugh before he cleared his throat shakily. "Yeah… yeah, you too. Really good to see you. And you… look kind of how I expected. I mean, I've seen you like _once,_ but that doesn't count because the camera was off after two seconds. Your eyes are a lot darker in person."

I pouted a bit, creasing my eyebrows in frustration. "Yeah, they've always been almost black, it's kind of annoy-"

"It's _cute._ " He huffed, his arm dropping from my shoulders and gingerly resting on my cheek. I stared at him as a small smile crept onto my face. We were deathly close right now. Close enough for me to see the freckles that lines his soft cheeks and the tiny bite-mark he left in his lip since he chews them when he's nervous.

"Aw, you think I'm cute?" I teased after a moment of staring at him, and he grinned in return, not putting any distance between us. Was he noticing anything about me? I wanted to believe he was, and I think that's a big step for me.

With his hand still on my cheek, he brushed his thumb against my cheekbone lightly, his expression suddenly very fond and gentle. "I mean, I thought that was obvious."

I felt like some dumbfounded fish, my mouth dropped open and my eyes wide in surprise. I should have been used to his overly-flirty comments, but this was all too much. The affection and the closeness and-

"Lance!" I squeaked when I felt his lips lightly press against my forehead, my face burning red as I backed away in surprise, though my fingers stayed stubbornly laced with his. He suddenly looked terrified.

"Was- that too much-? I'm sorry, dude, I just- oh my gosh, you're so _cute._ " He trailed off with his original apology when I brought my hand to my forehead, my face absolutely burning in heat from being so caught off guard at how soft and warm his lips were. Not to mention I couldn't get the image of them on _my_ lips out of my head. I pursed my lips, squeezing his hand as my eyes locked to the ground.

"It wasn't too much. It just surprised me. And your compliments don't help, either." I mumbled, trailing my thumb along the side of his hand in a weak attempt to calm myself down. He smiled warmly at me, taking a small step closer as if he were carefully walking on stones. I tugged him closer, smirking when he stumbled a bit in surprise.

He sent me a half-hearted glare and placed his free hand on his hip. I rose an eyebrow at him innocently, swinging our hands together lightly. "What's up, _babe_?" I teased, though my voice cracked a bit at the nickname. I've never said it out loud before, let alone to someone I really like. Despite how horribly I screwed it up, his face flushed a bit and I could see the tips of his ears tinged pink.

"Catching me off guard, Kogayne?" He mumbled, my heart fluttering when the nickname slipped out even if it was really dumb. He'd been typing it for- like- five or six months now. It was nice to hear him say it. "That's a cheap move, you know."

"What are you gonna do, punish me?" It wasn't _supposed_ to sound all suggestive and flirty, but it came out with a lot more confidence and now both of us looked kind of surprised and speechless. I opened my mouth to correct myself, but he took a step closer, cutting me off.

"You're… making this really difficult," he whispered softly, his eyes flicking between me and the wall, and each movement of his eyes made my heart race a bit more. I offered a weak smile, tilting my head to the side in mock curiosity.

"Making what really difficult?" I asked, backing up a bit when he took another step towards me, biting my lip when my back pressed against the wall. His free hand rested on the wall, right beside my head, and I could have sworn his eyes trailed down to my lips. So I bit it again to mess with him a little.

And then he was leaning in.

And my heart was pounding against my chest.

And I was leaning up towards him.

And-

"Keith!"

I blinked, watching as Lance jumped back to his original position with speed I didn't think humans were capable of reaching. I knew immediately that the voice belonged to my sweet little Pidge, but I still turned to look at them in surprise.

"Oh, hey, Pidge. I didn't… hear you come in. How long have you been standing there?" I asked, glancing from them to Lance, who was clearly trying to regather his confidence and thoughts. If it were anyone else, I would probably be the same way. But Pidge while may have be a teaser, they would never harass us or anything.

They shrugged, shifting in their spot to get a tougher grip on the large present that sat under her arm. "Just walked in. Don't worry, I won't say anything about you two making out in the halls this time."

"We weren't-"

"Why not let them know?" Lance sent me a cocky grin, resting his arm around Pidge's shoulders with his other hand still tightly holding mine. I glared at him, digging my nails into his hand sternly.

When he whined at the very light pressure from my nails, Pidge rolled their eyes, sending a smile up at Lance. "Still got that attitude, I see. Which means you guys _haven't_ made a move yet. Noted."

"You read me like a book, Gunderson."

They stuck their tongue out at him, nudging into his chest to get him off. I smiled at the two of them, my hand lightly squeezing against his. They had gotten along really well over the group chats we would have over Rabbit, but seeing them get along in person made my heart feel overwhelmed with joy and excitement. It was more than just seeing my two friends get along.

"I gotta get inside so I can put this gift on the table. And say hi to Hunk."

I rose an eyebrow. "Say hi?"

They nodded firmly. "Well, yeah, we've already met. We've known each other for, like, months now. I'm surprised you didn't figure it out earlier."

"You've- seriously?" I slammed my hand onto the wall with no aggression whatsoever. Lance was staring at them with wide eyes, his hand dramatically thrown over his heart.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But I didn't know he was Lance's best friend until, like, a few days before you found out about him being Maticia's sister and everything. By then there was no need for me to tell you." They glanced back and forth from the two of us, raising her eyebrows as neither of our shocked expressions changed. "Why's it a big deal? You knew we all went to the Garrison. It was only a matter of time before we came across each other. I was bound to remember a dude named Hunk and a guy name Lance since you _always talk about him-"_

I lightly kicked their shin, my face burning as I completely avoided meeting Lance's gaze. They were just messing around, but I knew he'd never let me live it down. "Well, whatever, it's over now. Let's just go inside, huh? Maticia is probably wondering where we are."

Pidge stared at me for a moment, rubbing her shin with the back of her other foot. Though she was clearly annoyed I managed to sneak a direct attack, worry was clearly visible in her eyes. "Think you can handle it? It's gonna be a fairly big party. Lots of noise and people." They spoke slowly, a sympathetic smile on their face.

It _was_ a huge party. Maticia may not have been the best at talking to people, but the birthday parties here were welcome to _everyone_ in the building. There are a _lot_ of people here. Not to mention her friends and family that dropped by. It was a crowd of loud people who all knew each other and wanted to have a good time. That wasn't necessarily my thing.

I snuck a peek at Lance, who was eyeing the cafeteria with an excited gleam in his eye. Of course this is his area of comfort. New people and conversations seemed to brighten his day. When have I ever put my own needs first? I can't start with him, of all people. I turned back to Pidge, giving them a small nod. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

They bit the inside of their cheek, but gave a small nod. "Alright, okay, sure. Just let me know if you need to cause a diversion, okay? I can sing a mean Despacito."

Lance's face lit up once again. "I hate the lyrics but you'd have to be crazy to say it isn't at least a _little_ catchy."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, maybe the first time it was on the radio. I got tired of it after the hundredth time." I couldn't help the small smile creeping onto my lips as I glanced over at him, watching him clutch the fabric of his shirt as though I had shot a hole through his heart.

"We're gonna have to talk about this relationship, Keith Kogayne. I don't think I can- _wait,_ don't tell me- please tell me you like Hannah Montana."

"Hannah… who?"

If it was possible for a human mouth to imitate the sound of a keysmash, that's what had just happened. I was absolutely kidding, by the way, I grew up with Hannah Montana. She was the only girl I have ever had a crush on and I'd stand by that to my grave. Miley Cyrus is beautiful and no one can tell me otherwise.

I didn't tell him that I knew who she was, though, because he started bouncing a bit in his place in excitement while he promised to show me the entire Hannah Montana soundtrack on Rabbit during our next date. I knew I was smiling way too wide at him chirping about our date, but I couldn't help it. We literally almost kissed. Obviously there was _something_. I'd wait to tell him about my love of Hannah Montana until whenever we started listening to the songs.

"Okay, you absolute pop star," Pidge rolled their eyes at Lance, standing on their toes so they could flick his cheek. "We should go in and see your sister. Don't worry, I'll help you guys out whenever you wanna sneak off."

They sent us a wink before nudging through us, pushing into the door and yelling something about finally arriving. I rolled my eyes, a fond smile on my face as the door slowly shut behind them. He wasn't standing near as close anymore, unfortunately, but I could see him in the corner of my eye. He was playing with the strings of his hoodie and staring at the wall as if it was the most interesting thing.

I wanted to say a million things, but I could only reach for his hand, gingerly brushing my fingertips along the side of his hand. It seemed to slightly break him out of his train of thought, and he sent me a distracted smile.

"Ready to go in, _babe_?" I nudged my arm against his gently, laughing a bit at the sight of his eyes widening in surprise. He responded with a small smile and a quick nod.

"Yeah, sure," he laced his pinky finger around mine, gently pulling me towards the door. This didn't feel real. It was weird - seeing the guy you've liked and talked to nonstop for about five or six months suddenly standing in front of you. What am I supposed to do? Hug him more? Take pictures? Kiss him? Tell him I appreciate him? I should probably do all of those things before it's too late, but for now, I'll just go along with whatever he wants to do and see what happens.

* * *

 **Lance's POV**

* * *

"Hey, Keith, remember that time you sold me a broken Barbie doll for thirty bucks?" Pidge spoke over the loud crowd of people, each of my friends looking around in turn. Our small table included myself, Keith, Pidge, Maticia, Hunk, Allura, and Jessica. It was pretty cramped, but since Keith and I were at the end, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Jessica and Maticia were cramped on the other end of the table, Hunk and Pidge got either side of the table, and Allura had recently pulled up a chair next to Pidge, who I'm sure was having a slight pan freak out.

I rose an eyebrow at Pidge, leaning over to get a better view of them. "Oh, what kind of Barbie? And why would you make that deal?"

They shot me a fingergun, earning a small snicker from Allura and Hunk. "Aha, your first question answers the second. The Barbie looked exactly like him, mullet and all, and-"

Keith sent her a harsh glare. "I do _not_ have a mullet. It's just long hair!"

I patted his back softly, wrapping my arm around his shoulders. "You totally got a mullet, babe. It's fine, we've all learned to accept it."

He squirmed a bit, staring at the table with tinged cheeks. I considered moving my arm from around him, but he really didn't seem to mind. If anything, I'm assuming the whole 'babe' nickname got to him. I'll have to stop myself from letting it slip. I'm just _very_ used to it in our chats.

"- _anyways,_ yeah, it looked just like him. And since he was always beating up the jerks who messed with me in elementary school, I thought 'hey, he can protect me from those nasty bullies'. And no, it isn't because I thought he'd magically show up or whatever. I told the jerks that his soul was connected to the doll and that if they messed with me it'd come to life and follow them home."

I stared at them, leaning into Keith a bit more when both of their expressions remained dead serious. "Were you into witchcraft and that kind of stuff?"

They shrugged. "Not really. I just knew it'd work against a bunch of little brats. But, hey, I wouldn't complain if the doll turned out to be some sort of voodoo thing. Then I can finally stab Keith in the back without any guilt."

In response, Keith merely threw his empty can of soda at them. "Do it you coward. Pull the trigger."

While everyone else laughed, Pidge and I shared nervous looked. Maticia looked a little hesitant too, but she was laughing with them light-heartedly. I heard her girlfriend made jokes like that completely sarcastically, so I'm assuming that's what she was desperately hoping he meant. I know reading too much into jokes was a huge fear for some of the people who struggled with depression, since they didn't want to be read into or something.

I had read a lot about depression and anxiety after I found out about Keith. I knew he didn't ask me to, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to make sure I didn't overstep any silent boundaries. Although I feel like all of my physical touch it reaching his limit. It was hard to tell, since he was the type to keep his suffering to himself. The idea of him feeling like he needed to keep it a secret hurt a bit more than it should.

"All of our stories," Hunk gestured between us. "Are about me spoiling him to death. He wanted a homecooked meal after a month of fast food? He came to me and I delivered. He needed advice on what to wear on the dates he pretended to have-"

"Hey, they were legitimate dates!"

"You were playing those otome games-"

"NEXT QUESTION." I slammed my hands onto the table to overpower his voice, hot tears of embarrassment stinging my eyes despite the lack of sadness. My eyes just sting when I'm upset, I guess.

I glanced over at Keith, who was staring down at the table, his hands playing loosely with his hoodie sleeves. I hesitated for a second before lacing my own fingers together. His shoulders seemed to relax a bit at the touch, but he was still extremely quiet and I could _feel_ him trying to distance himself.

"Hey, Keith, can you show me that cat room you were talking about the other day? I love cats. I want to meet the little angels." I spoke loud enough for the rest to hear, but direct enough so that they didn't try to intervene. Keith blinked, glancing over at me. He looked just as spacey as I had felt when we were outside the room. We almost _kissed._ And he flirted really well in person. And he was a lot more attractive than I had been expecting. So my mind was going into a slight panic attack full of nerves and anxiety that I was trying to calm down. I can't imagine adding depression into the mix.

"Yeah, sure." He gave a little nod, pushing himself out of his chair a bit too quickly. He seemed eager to get out of here. I flashed the rest of the group an apologetic smile, though most of them appeared to have caught onto the situation.

"Have fun! The cats are sweethearts." Maticia gave a little wave at the two of us, earning a playful eyeroll from Jessica.

"You say that about every cat. Need I remind you about my little monster kitten?"

"Acorn is a saint and the 'attacks' are all framed."

Once were were out of their field of vision, I carefully grabbed Keith's hand, letting him lead me out the door. He was impatiently shoving past everyone we walked by, and I rushed out hasty apologizes and sheepish smiles, and Keith kept his held down low the entire time. His grip on my hand was almost dangerously tight, but I didn't really mind.

He dragged me out the door after finally slipping through the rest of the crowd, but he stopped almost immediately after the door shut behind us. His eyes were glued to the ground, and I could tell that he wanted to say something. What was I supposed to do? I knew pushing it was probably a really bad idea. Our hands were still tightly intertwined, and his thumb was slowly sliding along my hand. I tugged on it a little, pulling him just a bit closer. He glanced up at me, his expression unreadable.

"I was promised some cats." I said, crossing my free arm over my chest. He tilted his head to the side, looking at me curiously.

"I thought that was just an excuse to get out of there."

Even though it was meant to be a genuine question, I couldn't help the small, shaky smile that played onto my lips. "I mean, if you'd rather take me to your room, we can hang out in there."

My small smile grew at his cheeks instantly reddening. "No, no- I mean, _yes,_ but you deserve to see the cats first. They're really sweet." He tugged on my hand, taking off into a fast walk as he led me through the halls with no hesitation at all. This place was like a maze to me. There were weird crossroad-like points with four different halls to walk through and the halls with rooms went on for miles. How did the people at the end of the halls feel? Did they get to ride a scooter or something? I bet Keith would ride a motorcycle-

"Lance..?"

I jumped when Keith's soft voice interrupted my thoughts, the image of Keith all dressed in leather and black burning into my mind and simultaneously burning my cheeks. As if Keith didn't look attractive in what he has on now. Adding a cheesy leather jacket? I'd be a puddle on the ground.

"Sorry, man, I totally spaced. Is this the Room Where It Happens?"

Keith blinked. "Is. Is that a Hamilton reference?"

I squealed, bouncing a bit in my place. "You like Hamilton!"

"Of course I do. It made up for missing a year of History," he sent me a little grin, turning the knob to the door. "Plus I'm in love with Lin-Manuel Miranda and his beautiful voice."

I nodded. "I'm in love with Renee Goldsberry, but to each his own."

"Anthony Ramos is also a snack." He pushed through the door, the sweet little sound of excited mews following his little mumble. "You… kind of remind me of him. Not just your skintone- just… I dunno."

I threw my hand over my heart, trying my best to pretend it wasn't racing. "And you're like the young version of Lin-Manuel. Be the Hamilton to my Laurens, babe."

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, flipping on the lightswitch with his free hand. "What? But… Hamilton was straight."

I laughed, squeezing his hand playfully. "Our next Rabbit date is going to be intense. Hannah Montana _and_ Hamilon's confusing sexuality? What a ride- ahhHHH!"

My voice trailed off into an excited scream when he pulled me into the room, my eyes being treated to a beautiful mess of bright colors, windows, and (most importantly) kittens. There were framed images and posters of cats and kittens, figurines of little cat families on _very_ high shelves, little cat paw decals scattered along the walls with toebeans included, and a smooth linoleum floor that I can only imagine is fun for cats to slide along. "This is literally the most beautiful room I have ever seen."

Keith snickered in what I assumed was agreement. "It's supposed to be an anxiety or depression room. Or something. A place to go when you feel _really_ bad and need a pick-me-up. And don't worry- they aren't held captive here. They're all rescue pets that Allura had brought home before she found out her girlfriend was allergic to cats. This place is like her second home, so she checked with the local vet and they said it should be fine to leave them here, so long as they get the obvious necessities. They get to leave the room when it's lights out, but they like it in here a lot."

I nodded, my eyes trailing down to a small ball of fur that was rubbing against my ankle. First, I get to hear him talk with a bit of excitement in his voice, and now a kitten is literally approaching me first. How much more can I take before my heart bursts? Not much more. This is it. _This_ is the top of the mountain. Where I peak.

Keith glanced over at my feet, his smile growing a bit bigger. "That's Red. She's a sweetheart. Gets super jealous when you hang out with the other cats for too long. She hadn't snuggled up against me ever since I started playing with Black."

I cocked my head to the side. "Are they all named after colors?"

"Yeah. I don't know why, though. Maybe 'Llura thought it'd be easier for everyone to keep up with. She loves us all, don't get me wrong, but I think she sometimes forgets we aren't five years old. She used to be a kindergarten teacher or something." He shrugged, crouching down to hold out his hand towards Red, who eyed him for a moment before nuzzling against my leg some more. "See? She still hates me."

I carefully sat down on the ground, pulling Red onto my lap. She meowed appreciatively when I scratched under her chin. "Aw, she probably doesn't hate you. Jealousy takes a bit to get over, that's all." I grabbed Keith's hand again, softly pulling him down to sit next to me. "C'mon, try to pet her."

"I dunno-"

"You just have to take little steps. When you lose trust in someone, it's really hard to go right back to where you had been before. Act like you're starting over."

He eyed me curiously. "You are analyzing this cat very strongly." He spoke softly, a genuine wonder in his voice. He did as I told, though, and carefully held out his hand towards Red. He lightly scratched the top of her head, gasping a bit when the kitten timidly leaned into it.

"Yeah, I probably _was_ analyzing the cat a bit too much, but I get where it's coming from. There was this girl I knew back in my first year of high-school that I thought I was madly in love with. She was what any dork like me was interested in at the time, I guess, and she kind of took advantage of that. Turned out she was already in a relationship and she left me tied to a tree after a 'date'. It… kinda screwed my confidence up for a bit," I shrugged, absently stroking Red's back. "She recently contacted me and said she wants to be friends again everything, but I think it's gonna stick with me for awhile. It'd be a lot easier if said she wanted to apologize first, you know?"

He nodded sympathetically. "Baby steps."

"Yeah, baby steps." I nodded with him, smiling as softly as I could. I knew that it was years ago and Nyma most likely changed, but it was _hard._ Memories are memories and they're there for a very long time.

Keith scooted a bit closer to me, lacing our fingers together. "Do you want to fix things with her?" He questioned softly, smiling at a fatter kitten that bounced up to him and almost immediately fell asleep on his foot. The tiny collar around his neck read _Yellow._ He was a very fluffy kitten.

I glanced over at him, biting my cheek in thought. I hadn't really thought about what it would be like if things were okay between us again. She was still beautiful to me, but any genuine attraction I had had for her was gone. I hadn't even learned much about her personality because I was so invested in her appearance at the time. "I don't really know. Maybe? I don't want to be with her again, though. I'm scared that she's going to want that."

"Just tell her you're taken."

"I am not a man who tells lies for fun, Keith Kogayne."

He opened his mouth, closed it, and repeated it about three times before he finally muttered under his breath. "Just bring up the Rabbit dates, then."

"Are you saying we're _dating,_ Keith?" I teased, poking up and down his side playfully. He offered a pathetic attempt at a smile, his eyes staring at the ground once again. I dropped my hand to the ground, resting my head on my shoulder so I could see him a bit better. "What's up? That's the second time you've gotten this quiet and closed off. Did I do something?"

He shook his head, bringing one of his legs up towards his chest since Yellow was still fast asleep on his other foot. He rested his cheek on his knee, his head facing me but his eyes were fixed onto his nose. "It isn't you. The party had just been too much for me to comprehend all at once. I think I need to take smaller steps. Throwing myself into such a big event really caught my head off guard. It hurts a little. And it was really overwhelming to hear all these voices at once when I was used to only hearing you over the mic or Pidge or my brother or someone." He trailed his finger along the ground, slipping his hand out of mine much to my disappointment.

I felt most of my emotions settle on the painful pang of sadness and pity that I felt towards him, though I know that he didn't want that. It was hard not to feel bad for someone you care about. Why did the people who hurt the most literally never deserve it? As if he didn't go through enough already with his entire childhood. I placed my hand on his arm gently, giving him a soft simle.

"You should have texted me or something. I could have come up with something."

"I thought you weren't a liar."

"I like to make acceptions for people I like." I shrugged, squeezing his arm reassuringly before dropping my hand next to his. He began slowly outlining my hand with his fingertip, a little smile on his pretty lips.

Neither of us really said much after that, but I could feel the tension in the air drastically begin to fade away. Maybe it was the cats. Or just us venting to each other. I'm not sure, but it felt a lot more comfortable. Like I was sitting with someone I'd been hanging out with for years. I rubbed the side of Red's head, my eyes landing on another kitten what was prancing over, followed by a _very_ small one and a _very_ big one. Keith followed my gaze and gestured towards the bigger cat.

"The big one is Black. He's the one I've been playing with a bit and it makes Red all whiny. I feel bad for Black; she's the oldest. She's the mother cat. The smallest kitten is Green and she's smarter than anyone here. She's snuck out of the room _so many times_ and always manages to find her way back. I think she has a human brain, honestly. Some kind of mixture. And the really friendly kitty is Blue. She's the sweetest, though Yellow gives her some competition."

I glanced over at him. "You sure do love these cats, huh?"

His face flushed in what I assumed was embarrassment, but I kept my face as encouraging at possible. There was _nothing_ worse than rambling about stuff you liked to talk about only to find out the other person thought it was dumb. "Yeah, I come here a lot. Or- I did. When I was really sad."

"How long ago was that?" I asked, screeching a bit when Red suddenly dug her teeth into the side of my hand, though there was little pain. I rubbed at her belly in return, gritting my teeth through the sharp scratches and bites. They'd make awesome scars anyways.

His eyes met the floor once again. "Five months ago."

It was kind of starting to click together in my head. I wasn't entirely sure what was wrong, but every time we were brought up, he got _very_ quiet and reclusive. Like he was nervous and had something he wanted to say, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to say it. I leaned towards him a bit, painfully tugging my hand away from the vicious kitten so I could pull my legs up and rest my cheek on my knees. "Is this… me?"

"No! No, it's not about you. It's not your fault. I just… um." He dug his nails into his palms to the point his knuckles looked white, and without really thinking, I grabbed both of them and slipped my fingers underneath his nails. His grip instantly loosened and a look of surprise and pain washed over his face.

Was it the amount of flirting? Or physical touch? I know for a fact that I am a very forward person. And I know that his bluntness is from being so impulsive, not from confidence. Maybe it was him trying to show he was uncomfortable or-

"It's hard for me to admit it to myself, let alone out loud, but I think I really, really like you. Like… more than just a friend." He whispered, and I felt my breath hitch in my throat. I nodded meekly, prodding him to continue.

"I've… never had a boyfriend before. Or girlfriend. I was too sheltered for anything like that all throughout my school years. Pidge was the only friend I was able to make, even then, I'm surprised they stuck around. So these feelings are… confusing. I'm not sure if I'm getting them right."

I swallowed the nerves and excitement that was bubbling in my throat, nodding at him once again. "What are you feeling?"

I think he leaned a bit closer to me. "Um... my heart is racing a bit... and my face is kind of burning up.. and I keep wanting to like…" He trailed off, his eyes fluttering down to my lips before darting back up to my own. How were his eyes so pretty? They were almost purple. They reminded me of galaxies.

"Yeah?" I whispered, my fingers tenderly lacing together with his again. I could feel his warm breath against my lips as my eyes slowly flickered shut, my nose lightly brushing against his. I could hear a bit of a shudder in his breath as he leaned closer.

"To… kiss…."

Our lips barely brushed together when the cat I had once thought was an angel lounged between us, nipping at my arm with energy I have never seen before. Wasn't she _just_ asleep, like, ten seconds ago?

I could feel Keith's frustration and embarrassment radiating off of him, and I couldn't blame him in the slightest. I knew he had no hatred towards innocent little Yellow, but I was absolutely ready to stretch my legs and slip out of the room. He seemed to be on the same boat, because he gingerly stood up and tugged on my hand, silently telling my I should too.

I smiled up at him, my eyes scanning his pretty face with more adoration than I had meant to. Maybe I did like him (love him even?) a lot more than I had thought I would. Sure, he had immediately intrigued me when we met, but he was a lot different than I had expected. He was more. I wish I could properly elaborate, but the only way to describe it is just that. He is more. So much more than anyone I know.

I let him pull me up to his height (I had a few inches on him, which was amazing) and kept our hands curled together, my thumb brushing along the slightly-indented skin of his palms from when he had dug his nails into it. I can see the lingering desire in his eyes, and I'm sure he can see mine too. I brought our hands to my cheek, nuzzling them as softly as I could. He returned my smile with a little laugh, taking a small step closer to me. Before I could even blink, he placed a featherlight kiss on my cheek that felt incredibly cool against my burning cheek.

Just like I had five months ago, I decided to act on impulse. To try something different in hopes it would have a good result. It had worked then, why not now? So I gently interrupted his flustered blabbing with a kiss that was just as light and airy as his cheek kiss had been, the warmth and dryness of his lips catching me off guard in the best way possible.

It was barely a kiss; just a soft brush of our lips that probably could have went a lot smoother, but it wasn't awkward either. It was quick and tender, and more than I ever imagined a first kiss would be like. Our lips moved together as though they were old friends reuniting. His hand was shakily squeezing mine and his other was gripping my arm, pulling me closer to him.

"Your lips taste like frosting." He whispered, a ghost of a giggle on his lips. I returned the laugh lightly, brushing my fingertips along his cheek and jaw lightly.

"Must be the cake. I ate the sweetest stuff at the table in case you decided to kiss me." I teased, cupping his cheek with my hand so I could pull back to look at him more clearly. Five months of knowing him. I know that isn't incredibly long. Maticia and Jessica have been together for almost four years now. "Your lips are so dry. You need to buy some lip balm."

He scoffed, scrunching his nose at me. His smile turned into a wicked grin as he took a step closer, and even through this sudden rush of confidence he was having, I could see he was still nervous. Still scared. I wrapped my arms around his waist protectively, my eyes darting along each feature of his face to avoid staring at that playful expression.

"You can always keep them moisturized." He said it shakily, but I know he was trying. I can feel it in his body language and see it in his eyes. I grinned at him, tilting my head to the side in mock innocence.

"Oh? How can I do that?" I gasped playfully, nudging into him. "You don't mean with _kisses,_ do you?"

"Ughh!" He whined, his head burying into my shoulder and nuzzling into it as if he could get deeper into it and hide his burning face. "I was too nervous to say that out loud. You saying it is way worse-!"

I slid my arms up his torso, wrapping them around his chest and back so I could pull him closer to me. He wrapped his arms around my neck, his face still cozily nestled into my shoulder. I rested my head on top of his, his soft hair brushing against my cheek. "You did fine, babe. You can probably feel my heart racing right now."

"I can. It's lame. You're a nerd."

"Says the one with a blush so hot it's burning into my hoodie."

He bit my shoulder with no force at all. It was really cute, actually. Like when a little kitten tries to play and bite your finger before it's fully grown its teeth. It felt tiny and sweet and I'm pretty sure I would have melted right there if it weren't for the fact I was keeping both of us standing, since his body was completely leaning into mine.

"Does this mean I can call you my boyfriend and get you dumb presents whenever I want? Can I be the Troy to your Gabriela?"

"Troy and Sharpay would have been better."

"The True Good ending would be Ryan and Chad." I laughed, pleased to feel his shoulders shake a bit in amusement as he laughed with me. He shook his head, resting the side of his head on my shoulder so he could look up at me.

"We can be all the lame couples you want, Lance." His voice was laced with such a genuine sweetness that it was hard not to sigh a bit in adoration. Instead, I nuzzled the top of his head, closing my eyes. I would have enjoyed standing like this in the silence with him, were it not for the sudden feeling of sharp claws digging up my leg at an alarming speed. And, according to his little shriek, it seemed they got him too.

"You guys are literally the worst!" I carefully pulled Blue off of my leg, bringing her to my chest so I could pet her without her claws sinking into my flesh. I watched Keith mirror my actions with Red, his own red face smushing against the little kitten. "You guys are cute though. Keith, when we live together, we're getting cats."

He stared at me for a minute before a small smile slipped onto his face. "You bet. It'll probably be awhile before I can move out of here, though."

I shrugged, returning his smile wholeheartedly. "I don't mind visiting."

"Really? Even if it takes a year? Or five?"

I rolled my eyes, poking his nose with my free hand. "Even if it takes _ten_. You're worth the wait."

His eyes sparkled with tears that I could tell he didn't want to release, so I just leaned forward and planted a little kiss on his lips, short and quick so that the kittens didn't try to intervene. His little squeak and happy laugh that followed sent a warm chill up the back of my neck, and I could feel any remaining nerves slipping away.

So we didn't confess our undying love to each other and we didn't exchange promise rings, which is the image Hunk put into my head. I got to kiss him and talk about living together in the future, no matter how long it takes. I got to listen to his insecurities and he listened to mine. I learned he had no idea about the gossip behind Hamilton and he had no idea who Hannah Montana was. I learned that I was genuinely falling for him more and more, and that it was okay. It was different. He was different.

He was more.

* * *

 **Keith's POV**

* * *

 **pidgeon**

im free!

 **Me**

What?

 **lancey lance**

WE'RE DOnNENENENENENE

 **hunkaboy**

We did it

 **Me**

ooohhhhh!

 **Me**

your break starts today right?

 **lancey lance**

thats right babe

 **lancey lance**

your bf is free from this prison of homophobes and conservatives

 **pidgeon**

bold of you to assume theres a difference

 **hunkaboy**

We get about two weeks off before the electives start up again

 **pidgeon**

3 wks before regular horrible classes

 **Me**

so you guys are free for two weeks?

 **hunkaboy**

Presumably

 **pidgeon**

we got homework but its nothing major

 **lancey lance**

yeah you cna say that bc youre a genius

 **Me**

You're a genius

 **lancey lance**

gnfdlkhnnhhnfghfg shut up

 **lancey lance**

im not as smart as pidge

 **pidgeon**

youre way better at every single sport

 **hunkaboy**

we're all equally as talented! let's not get into this argument

 **pidgeon**

sure ok for now

 **Me**

If you guys are free, you should drop by for awhile

 **lancey lance**

like? a slumber party?

 **pidgeon**

SLUMBER PARTY KEITHS PLACE

 **Me**

I'm sure Allura wouldn't mind

 **hunkaboy**

I already texted her. She said it's fine

 **lancey lance**

you are such a saint

 **pidgeon**

HECK YEYYYYEYAHHH party w/ the gang

 **Me**

Tonight won't work because I've been kind of tired today

 **Me**

But tomorrow is good

 **lancey lance**

yyYAYYY i miss u :(

 **hunkaboy**

You were just over there like three days ago

 **lancey lance**

WHICH IS WAY TOO LONG

 **Me**

he's right it's been too long

 **pidgeon**

you two are lame i havent seen my s/o in forever

 **lancey lance**

you're single

 **Me**

youve been single since i met you

 **hunkaboy**

You're aro?

 **pidgeon**

exactly

 **hunkaboy**

It's better than them constantly spamming us with how much they love each other

 **pidgeon**

MOOD

 **lancey lance**

we can start doing that again right babe

 **Me**

Of course

 **pidgeon**

nNNONONONONOONON

 **hunkaboy**

PLEASE NO MY PHONE ALMOST OVERHEATED

* * *

 **[PM]**

 **lancey lance**

hey babe while theyre spamming the gc i just wanted to say something

 **Me**

yes

 **lancey lance**

i love you :(

 **Me**

ndngldnhhnfg shut up

 **Me**

i love you too my little star

 **lancey lance**

aw 3

 **Me**

hey

 **Me**

did I ever tell you about the meaning behind that nickname?

 **lancey lance**

i always assumed it was bc im radiant

 **Me**

Well, yes, but there's also more to it

 **Me**

I wasn't really used to consistency growing up. I moved a lot and things were pretty rough for a long time. Nothing was ever the same for very long

 **lancey lance**

:( i wish i could have been there

 **Me**

Me too 3 but it's okay. You're here now and there's more to the story.

 **Me**

The only thing that was always there was space. And the stars. I was lucky enough to never have a starless night growing up, so the stars were kind of a checkpoint for me.

 **lancey lance**

like in a game?

 **Me**

Yeah! My way of showing myself that I made it through another day. They were consistent and always there and made me feel like I was alive. I kind of romanticised them in my head for the longest time and I ended up desperately wanting my own star one day

 **Me**

Which is you.

 **Me**

You've been here for me for almost three years now and I've never felt like you were going to leave. I'm not scared to lose you, just like I'm not scared to lose the stars in the sky.

 **Me**

You're my star. You're safety and warmth. And bright and beautiful.

 **lancey lance**

hnnngngnghngk

 **lancey lance**

have i ever told you that i absolutely love you? with all of my heart?

 **Me**

every single day 3

 **lancey lance**

i cant believe i was lucky enough to actually win you over?

 **Me**

tbh I'm surprised too you're a huge nerd

 **lancey lance**

the moment? ruined. i was crying but now im mad

 **Me**

wait crying?

 **lancey lance**

tears of happiness and love dont worry sweetie

 **Me**

I didn't mean to make you CRY though

 **lancey lance**

hey

 **lancey lance**

its okay. youre okay.

 **Me**

Right right

 **lancey lance**

im honored to be your star, keith

 **Me**

I'm honored to be your boyfriend

 **Me**

even if youre a fool

 **lancey lance**

nklgngkfnhgn a fool in love maybe

* * *

I rolled my eyes at my phone, watching as he began spamming me with lyrics of a what I _think_ is a Rihanna song. Despite my annoyed demeanor, there was a warm smile on my lips and a fuzzy feeling spreading throughout my chest. My star. I _actually found my star._

Things still aren't perfect. I still fought with depression and my other struggles every single day, and some are harder than others. I still struggled around a large group of people and I still lived at Allura's. But things were _better._ I could smile and wave to the other patients here. I started conversations with Maticia and her girlfriend more often. I messaged everyone in my contacts at least once a week. I made sure I at least ate lunch every day and went to bed by one.

No, things aren't perfect. But they're better. I'm happier. I'm taking baby steps towards a better life, and that's enough.

* * *

 **FINALLY. I FINALLY FINISHED. i finally finished this. finished exams. finished. this was such a ride and im so glad i was able to write this and finish it. it meant a lot to me and im glad i could express a lot of things i couldnt normally express. im really glad that people were able to relate to keith and appreciate lance. portraying such real and deep problems and feelings is so important in writing and im glad i was able to do it in my own way.**

 **if you struggle with depression, i want to thank you for sticking around and reading this. i know it isnt easy. youre doing amazing and i hope you stick around to read all the klance fanfics your heart desires. if you ever think you might need help please dont hesitate to find it.**

 **thank you again to everyone who read this! the amount of feedback i got was surprising and so nice, and i swear i'll respond to everything eventually. i read every single one and it motivated me so much! this definitely isnt my last klance fic, so i'll be back! thank you again!**


End file.
